Today In The News....

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International Paper Posts $77M Loss in 4Q

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Here, the CEO walks outside International Paper's Stamford, Conn., office.

International Paper Co., the world's largest forest products company, said it lost $77 million in the fourth quarter as a result of "unusual items."

It was later determined by the top 50 executives that the "unusual items" are actually something called "the Internet" where "digital viewing" of words and sentences is replacing their being seen on actual paper.

The company is now planning to rename itself International Paper and Gay Walk Training Co.

 

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In his closing statement, Sudanese Minister of Defense Abdel Rahim Mohammad Hussein proves his point in the ongoing debate that the size of a man's penis can be measured based on the length of his index finger.

 

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Chinese President Hu Jintao happily displays China's new People's Toilet Paper.

Shown here jumbo size.

Motto: Whole Family - One Wipe!

 

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Mexico's new sport quickly becomes a rage.

Combining circus ariel acts with matadors. The guy now leaps OVER the bull instead of just killing it with swords.

The trick is not landing in a cowpie.

 

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The next routine has the matador making shadow puppets.

An amateur, Raymundo The Great fails to do his flying bird act.

 

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Here, a long-time dejected Bulgarian man finally forgets about women and takes up courting geese.

It's reported that he's up to his thirteen rejected marriage proposal.

 

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Al Qaeda working on a new image for their leader Bin Laden.

They're submitting their final choices to the White House for approval.

 

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To raise his ratings Bush tries doing impressions of Queen Elizabeth.

The Administration revealed today that if Bush's wiretapping efforts collapse and he's impeached, doing stand-up comedy may be his next line of work.

 

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The Administration proposes a new way to reduce America's reliance on oil.

The proposal was later modified, banning the elephant make-up due to the potential for aggravating racial tensions among minorities and gangs in heavy traffic.

 

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After being awarded a $40,000,000 for scientific research by the Bill Gates Foundation a group of scientists in Nebraska invents a new party hat replacing the old cone type.

Microsoft announced that after seeing the finished product Bill quickly ordered 180 for himself.

When asked why he needed so many, Gates replied, "They're my birthday hats. To match the number of lifetimes I have money saved up for just in case I live that long. One can never be too sure about these 'life-extension' things."