Jokes

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Sailor meets an old hooker on the dock. She looks a little cock -eyed (stop, I'm killing me) but he's been at sea a long, long time. Neither of them has any protection, but she says, "look if your worried, this is a wooden eye, and it comes out and.........."

The sailor is totally grossed out and starts to walk away, but our ole pro is not to be deterred. She talks him into it.

Afterwards, the sailor marvels about what a wonderful experience it was, and says, "you know we dock here again in six months...."

She says, "Don't worry. I'll keep an eye out for you."
 
A Big city lawyer went deer hunting in rural Georgia. He shot and
killed a deer, but it fell in Bop's field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, Bop drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a deer and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
Bop replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that deer, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
Bop smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Georgia. We settle small disagreements like this; with the "Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Three Kick Rule?" Bop replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
Bop slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when Bop's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to hisnfeet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "O'kay, you old fart.
Now it's my turn."

Bop smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the damn deer."
 
Quote from nutmeg:

"A man and his wife are sitting down drinking a bottle of wine. The husband says to the wife. "Honey, I bet you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time". The wife says "your dick is bigger than your brothers.""

That's like the wife who askes her husband " Tell me what your fantasy is" He says "No" "Oh c'mon," she pleads, "Oh allright, I'd like to make love to your sister"
More...

That remimds me of "Rodeo Sex"

What you do is mount your wife/girlfriend doggy style and as you reach up and caress her tits, you say..."gee, your sisters are a lot firmer". Then just try to hang on for 8 seconds. :D
 
A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....
 
Quote from topdown:

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

He never heard the shot....
More...

subset joke....

She went to the doctor, and told her husband that Doc said she had perfect breasts... "Yeah, what did he say about your fat ass?"

"Your name didn't come up".. OOH, OOH

Old man needs to go to a nursing home, but he doesn't want to go. But his son takes him anyway. Anyway, they seat him on the couch while the son and the nurse are filling out the forms. The old man starts to lean to the right, the nurse hustles over and straightens him up. She goes back to the desk. He leans to the left, and she's there in a sec. This goes on for twenty minutes until the forms are filled out. When the son goes to sit on the couch, dad says, "I hate it already". "NOw dad, how can you hate it already." "Easy. That nurse won't even let me fart."

So, they check him in. That night, Pop gets an erection. The night nurse sees it, goes in, and takes care of him. The old man is so shocked he calls home and tells his kid. How could he be mad. But the next day, on the way to lunch, the old man falls. ONd of the orderlys, instead of helping, pulls the old mans robe up and helps himself. As soon as he back in his room, he calls his kid to pick him up.

"Aw, dad. What about last night, the pretty nurse???""

"Listen to me, you ungrateful bastard. That the first hard on I've had in ten years. I fall down two, maybe three times a day."
 
Doctor jokes, ooh, ooh.

Doctor says to patient in a double room, "good news and bad news" Guy says, "give me the bad news first."

"Ok. You'll be dead in a week."

"Dead in a week? My Gawd! What could the good news be?"

"The guy in the next bed.... He wants to buy your slippers."

(or) " The nurse in the reception area, the one with the big tits? I" m schtuping her."


Reardon, help me out. Did I spell Schtuping correctly?

.
 
Oh, shit. Yiddish.

Night when Bobbitt's wife cut his manhood off, she panicked and took off in the car. She didn't know what to do, so she just tossed the offending member out the window while driving at a rather high rate of speed.

The car behind her was occupied by two older Jewish gentlemen. The offending Bobbitt appendige, since severed, hit the windshield before flying off, startling the driver.

"Jesus Irv. Did you see the size of the schmuck on that mosquito?"
 
Topical. One more real quick.

That Sarasota incident, must be ten years or so ago when Pee Wee Herman was polishing his sword in the adult movie house?

At his arraignment he was offered counsel but declined. He told the court he could get himself off.
 
"Jesus Irv. Did you see the size of the schmuck on that mosquito?""

There was a swordsman contest. The first contestant threw a quarter into the air and and swish swish, the quarter fell to the ground in two pieces.

The second swordsman, said "See that fly?" swish swish and the fly fell to the ground in two pieces.

"I am the greatest swordsman in all of France" said the third.

"See that fly?" Swish swish.

"The fly flew away." said the other two.

"Ah yes" "But he'll never have children"
 
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