Jokes

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This lady has a parrot (groan). Only phrase the parrot can say is "Who is it?"
One day she went out shopping and forgot that she had an appointment with the plumber to fix the drains.

The plumber comes by, knocks on the door and the parrot says "Who is it?" He replied "Its the plumber" No one opens the door, the plumber knocks again. "Who is it?" "Its the plumber"

Hours later, the woman returns home and sees a man lying dead on her porch. She opens the door and says to herself "I wonder who that was?"

The parrot says "Its the goddamn plumber"
 
Who knew!!!!

1. To remove a bandage painlessly, saturate the bandage with vodka. The solvent
dissolves adhesive.

2. To clean the caulking around bathtubs and showers, fill a trigger-spray
bottle with vodka, spray the caulking, let set five minutes and wash clean.
The alcohol in the vodka kills mold and mildew.

3. To clean your eyeglasses, simply wipe the lenses with a soft, clean cloth
dampened with vodka. The alcohol in the vodka cleans the glass and kills germs.

4. Prolong the life of razors by filling a cup with vodka and letting your
safety razor blade soak in the alcohol after shaving. The vodka disinfects the
blade and prevents rusting.

5. Spray vodka on vomit stains, scrub with a brush, and then blot dry.

6. Using a cotton ball, apply vodka to your face as an astringent to cleanse
the skin and tighten pores.

7. Add a jigger of vodka to a 12-ounce bottle of shampoo. The alcohol cleanses
the scalp, removes toxins from hair, and stimulates the growth of healthy hair.

8. Fill a sixteen-ounce trigger-spray bottle and spray bees or wasps to kill
them.

9. Pour one-half cup vodka and one-half cup water in a Ziploc freezer bag and
freeze for a slushy, refreshable ice pack for aches, pain or black eyes.

10. Fill a clean, used mayonnaise jar with freshly packed lavender flowers, fill
the jar with vodka, seal the lid tightly and set in the sun for three days.
Strain the liquid through a coffee filter, then apply the tincture to aches and
pains.

11. To relieve a fever, use a washcloth to rub vodka on your chest and back as
a liniment.

12. To cure foot odor, wash your feet with vodka.

13 Vodka will disinfect and alleviate a jellyfish sting.

14. Pour vodka over an area affected with poison ivy to remove the urushiol oil
from your skin.

15. Swish a shot of vodka o ver an aching tooth Allow your gums to absorb some of
the alcohol to numb the pain.

And silly me... I've only been drinking the stuff!!!
 
Deep Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like... Night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
5. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
7. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
8. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
9. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the
Cheese in the trap.
10. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
11. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
12. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
13. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
14. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
15. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
18. Every one has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
19. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
20. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
24. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what
the hell happened!
25. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
26. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear
bright until you hear them speak.
27. Life isn't like a box of chocolates. It's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your @$$ tomorrow.
 
Do you know the difference between Guts and Balls ?

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the
difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...


GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:


"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically
speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result
in death.
 
So, Why Bother?

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is loving, sensitive and a good listener, he's gonna get it wrong!

:) :) :)
 
Value Of Information

Two hunters from Chicago hire a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bag six meese.

As they start loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three animals. The two men object strongly, stating, "Last year, we shot six of them and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gives in and all six are loaded. Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane can't handle the load and goes down a few minutes after takeoff.

Climbing out of the wreck, Joe asks Bob, "Any idea where we are"?

Bob replies, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year!"

:) :) :)
 
After a year at sea fightin' the Japs, the fleet docks. The old Chief Petty officer hits the first whore house he sees, and seeks out ye ole Madam. He says, " I've been at sea for year with nothin' but them damn Kamikazes and every 18 year old foul up this man's Navy could send me. I want the meanest, ugliest, toughest whore you got. The madam, used to the odd request, simply replies, "top of the stairs, first door on the right." The Chief pounds his way up the stairs, kicks the door open, and there is she is, in all her glory, readin' a comic book. He bellows, "they tell me you're the ugliest, meanest, toughest whore in this whole hellhole and you sure look the part. I been atsea and year. I'm going out, buy me a case of beer, come back here, drink 'em, and then fuck your brains out." She nods, he goes.

The Chief comes back steps in the door with case of beer on his shoulder. She sees him, tosses the comic away, and lays on her back and tosses her legs in the air.
Truly annoyed when people don't follow his instructions, he screams, " I thought I toll you. I wanted the meanest, toughest ugliest whore, that I was gonna drink this case a beer, THEN we was gonna fuck."

She says, "You want 'em opened?"
 
Lots of crazy things happen in traveling. Just last week I was on a train. There was a woman traveling with a baby. UGLY baby! I mean, I'm not one to make comments about anyone's kid -- but this was an UGLY baby. A guy walks down the train -- he's half smashed -- and he stops. And he stares. And the lady says "What are you looking at?" The guy says "I'm looking at that ugly baby." A scene ensues, whereupon the conductor arrives. He says "What's going on here?" The woman says "This man just insulted me!" The conductor says "Now calm down Madam, calm down. We here at the railroad want to make sure that there are no altercations between our passengers and that everyone's trip is as relaxing as possible. Accordingly, if you allow us, please step into the dining car and the railroad will buy you a free meal. And maybe we can find a banana for your monkey."
 
Three men were drinking in a bar discussing their whereabouts the night before.

The Italian says: Last night I gave my wife a whole body massage with the finest olive oil and made passionate love to her, making her scream nonstop for 5 full minutes.

Not wanting to be outdone, The French says: Last night I gave my wife a whole body massage with the finest aphrodisiac oil and made passionate love to her, making her scream nonstop for 15 full minutes.

The Puerto Rican says: That's nothing, last night I gave my wife a whole body massage with the finest margarine and made passionate love to her, making her scream nonstop for 2 whole hours.

Shocked, the Italian and the French ask: 2 hours! That's phenomenal! How did you do it?

The Puerto Rican replies: I wiped my hands on the curtains.
 
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