Jokes 2

When we went to bed last night my wife said to me:

"This may hurt, and I'm sorry, but after 20 years together I think we need a change."

I couldn't believe it. "So you're saying that from now on it'll be me snoring and farting all night while you're hanging off the bed with a fucking hard on?"
 
When I was just a little boy,
I asked my mother, 'What will I be?
'Will I be handsome?
'Will I be rich?'
Here's what she said to me:

'Que...no habla ingles'
 
School's morning role call at Hezbollah High...

(I say this in gist, my alma mater, many moons ago)

"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?" "Here."
"Achmed El Kabul?" "Here."
"Fatima Al Chadoury? " " Here."
"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?" " Here."
Mohammed Ibn Achrha?" " Here."
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"
Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated, "Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er"
A boy stood up and said, "Sorry, miss. I think that's me. My name is Michael Meyer."
 
As the wife shut the front door behind her, I went into our bedroom and slipped on a pair of her underwear.

I wish she would see a doctor about her heavy discharge, I thought as I picked them up off the floor and put them in the laundry basket.
 
In work today someone said to me, "What's your porn star name?"

I said,"What do you mean?"

"You must know, everyone does. It's where you take the name of your first pet and your mother's maiden name to make a porn star name."

I went home and said to the wife, "What's your porn star name?"

She said "Gloria Gobbler, but honestly I've almost given it up now."
 
Quote from nutmeg:

Where Is Tim Geithner Headed Next?

Goldman Sachs

JP Morgan

Tax Consultancy

McDonalds

Ive League Professor

Any non-profit that will have him

Solitary Confinement
More...

HR Department
Goldman Sachs & Co.
200 West Street
New York, NY 10282

Dear Mr./Ms. Last Name:

I am writing to apply for the position of Master Of The Universe at Goldman Sachs. I believe my experience in experimenting on the economy playing with other people’s money makes me an excellent candidate for this position. As requested, I am enclosing a completed job application, my certification, my resume and three references. (Please call Dr. Kissinger first. He’s not getting any younger.)

I have extensive experience working for with the rich and powerful. My most recent job was as secretary of the U.S. Treasury (a situation which put a premium on diversity awareness). Even before I took the job I was the center of attention in Washington. And despite not paying any income taxes for four years, my nomination was opposed by only a third of the Senate. As Treasury Secretary, I ended all those fluctuations in the unemployment rate and kept it at a nice steady level. Despite the job’s title, I did NOT answer phones or any filing. Although I can do both while typing 120 wpm. With one hand.

Among my many other accomplishments: Helping a large number of financial institutions avoid the consequences of their actions. As many of the very large number of our mutual friends (hint, hint) will tell you, the quid pro quo on this — cutting executive salaries and perks while limiting dividends and corporate acquisitions — was strictly window dressing. Remember the bonuses AIG paid to executives in its Financial Services division after receiving $170 billion in bailout?

Prior to my current position I served as president of the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. It was in that job, when I got Bear Stearns a $30 billion bailout, that I discovered my true vocation: Giving large amounts of other people’s money to down-on-their-luck wealthy institutions. This was very important to help the economy, no matter what Paul Krugman says. I mean really, what’s he ever done?

In closing I would just like to say how much I respect and admire your CEO, Lloyd Blankfein, whom everyone agrees is very spry for a man of his age.

Very Sincerely Yours,

Tim

P.S.: Don’t believe what you read in the press about me: I still want the job. Actually, just don’t believe anything about me you read in the press. Call me!
 
To: HR,

From: Lloyd Blankfien

Re: Attached letter and resume, T. Gheifftner

Why the fuck am I the only one left doing all of God's Work around here all the time? Is there anybody else with an ounce of not shit for brains at this place that's paid anything less than $5million/year? And you wanna hire Tiffles. Jesus H Fucking Chreeeeist, you can start accruing next year's bonus pool at a higher rate with an increased participation percentage to me.

Tell him to bring his own plunger and coveralls.
 
The Squid will always make room for made guys once they've looted the failing regime. Timmay is an earner. He can squeeze out of paying taxes for a kicker. He'll fit right in.

lmao..............:D
 
A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top