Jokes 2

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of
her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill
herself and join him in death.

Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly;
she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the
decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was
so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a
vegetable and a burden to someone, she called
her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact
location. "Since you're a woman," the doctor said,
"your heart is just below your left breast. Why
do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital
with a gunshot wound to her knee.

gotta credit nutmeg for this one!
 
CUsersvickiePicturesDOG.jpg
 
JPM, that FDIC-insured depositor bank, has requested 1.5 million barrels at a price of $105.33 for a total of $158 million from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve ... Pretty funny...If you open an account they'll give you a pint of lubricating oil. ..:cool: either that or get a fill up at a JP Morgan gas station near you.
 
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said,"Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said,"How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said,"How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said,"How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a time keeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said,"Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said,"We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost." "It looks like we have 2 choices :-

To

1. Have a Pr campaign only costing 1/2 million dollars

or

2.To lay off the night watchman.
 
Humpy your joke reminds me of something I read yesterday.

State layoffs are coming to the museum, the museum will be closed on Sundays, the second busiest day of the week.

Then this reminded me of something else about museums. I went ot Madame Tussauds wax museum and noticed the figures of Obama and his wife. Now on TV, Michelles ass looks like a big balloon but I noticed at the museum, her ass doesn't look that big, I wonder if someone is lying to the American public.
 
Quote from nutmeg:

Humpy your joke reminds me of something I read yesterday.

State layoffs are coming to the museum, the museum will be closed on Sundays, the second busiest day of the week.

Then this reminded me of something else about museums. I went ot Madame Tussauds wax museum and noticed the figures of Obama and his wife. Now on TV, Michelles ass looks like a big balloon but I noticed at the museum, her ass doesn't look that big, I wonder if someone is lying to the American public.
More...

Don't suppose that would be a first

:)
 
Just had a massive argument with the wife and she called me a 'pedantic prick'

Well if she'd just got me the black woolly socks like I wanted instead of the woolly black ones...
 
They were havin a meetin down at the union hall, see.

The head honcho goes up to the podium, see.

He says "I lost a wallet with twelve hundred bucks in it and I'll give a hundred bucks to whoever finds it".

A minute goes by and nobody says anything, see.

Then a Polish guy in the back says "I'll give a hundred and fifty to whoever finds it".
 
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