Jokes 2

My grandmother on my mother's side, she used to chase me around her house with scissors threatening to cut out my tongue because I called her 'Granny', has a patio just off her living room with a sliding glass door. She likes to leave the curtains open so she can watch the birds.

One day there was a huge grasshopper clinging to the outside screen. I got closer and saw it was actually two grasshoppers, twisted around each other, fucking. Grandma and I watched in unashamed fascination. Eventually all the shaking made them fall to the sidewalk. Then grandma's cat Smokey sauntered over and ate them.

Grandma said, "Well. They had their fun and now they're gone."
 
Quote from nutmeg:

My grandmother on my mother's side, she used to chase me around her house with scissors threatening to cut out my tongue because I called her 'Granny', has a patio just off her living room with a sliding glass door. She likes to leave the curtains open so she can watch the birds.

One day there was a huge grasshopper clinging to the outside screen. I got closer and saw it was actually two grasshoppers, twisted around each other, fucking. Grandma and I watched in unashamed fascination. Eventually all the shaking made them fall to the sidewalk. Then grandma's cat Smokey sauntered over and ate them.

Grandma said, "Well. They had their fun and now they're gone."
More...

Um, did Grandma leave her robe open when you came over, because watching bugs fuck w/Grandma just ain't right. You know that , right???
 
Why drinkin's bad....... With CMA awards coming up, this is best new song nominee.

I Got In At 2 With A 10 And Woke Up At 10 With A 2
 
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was braless.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got
more than a pleasant view.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little"sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
Going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
just come up and get me."

I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
thefront door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
Quote from topdown:

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so
we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts, and generally was braless.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got
more than a pleasant view.

She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day "little"sister called and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had
feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
Going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling,
just come up and get me."

I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to
thefront door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all
clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't
ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.
More...

Did you keep the pantys???? The Panties???? What did you do with the panties???????
 
Flytiger found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, so he decided he needed a woman with whom to enjoy it.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars"

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she married his father.

Women are so much smarter than men.



Oh - yeah Fly - those panties are still in my glovebox
:D
 
-I don't pay enough attention when people are talking to me. I'm sitting on the train beside some angry middle-aged dude, as usual, and he starts making conversation with me. He's telling me about his friend who has a terminal illness (I wasn't paying much attention, it could have been AIDS or leukemia or something.)

Anyway, angry middle-aged dude is rambling on while I'm trying to eat my ham sandwich. And I say (since I'm so considerate): "Your friend should write his illness on a piece of ham. Then it'll be cured. Hahahaha." Then it turns out it wasn't his friend at all, but rather he who was dying. I told you I don't pay enough attention. At least he had a good excuse for being angry.
 
American tourists in a French town were jubilant over a wedding where the newly-weds scattered shredded $USD during the ceremony. Tourists in the town of Sete threw themselves on the ground to gather bits of 5, 10, 20 and 50 dollars thrown as confetti at the July 8 wedding.

Stunata Pierre, a resident, says to Liberation newspaper, "Conditions in financaila markets have shown improvement since the worst of Mid-August, but a full recovery of mrket function is likely to take some time and we may see some setbacks".

stay tuned...
 
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