Well, I'm done. The week started off ok, but honestly, seeing the big moves and getting none of it really plagued me. Then I got caught up in following all the stuff that emini was posting and I got sucked into the lower time frame point of view again. (nothing wrong with what he is doing, it just doesn't fit me at all) My version of reading behavior is trading by my emotions and every push and pull of a lower time frame chart gave me anxiety and made my emotions put on trades.
The week started ok, but lets face it, my profits were just being lucky and then too scared to get in on the major moves. By Wed Dec 17, I was lucky to just finish a bit down, and then the week finished off horribly.
I always knew that holding through losers would end up costing me one day and that day finally came. The thing with exits is that usually they are always at the worst place for me, right before price finally comes back to me. Not that the trade ends up working out, but that my exit could be much closer to BE, because once again, my exit either hits the 5 points stop loss, or is based on watching price surge up, and hence an emotional exit.
The news release trading on Wed made me focus so much on the 5 sec chart, the lowest time frame I can load up on IB, and this is what started my downfall this week. Its funny how I can pinpoint just two actions that started the cascade down, but its certainly misguided fundamentals, so I'm not saying its just a little tweak that would have made all the difference.
I have been mad at missing so many of these great moves. Some I couldn't help because they happen over night and I'm sleeping. Others would take a couple of hours to develop and by then I'm either not watching anymore or already at work. Today especially I kept holding that short because I had trouble exiting at first, but also to prove to everyone else out there that SIM is tricky because you just don't get the fills you think you might. How crazy is that? I suffered over a $400 loss on one trade just to try and prove something to everyone else out there. I also kept holding the short because I'm mad at the economy once again. This huge rally seems so stupid to me, but of course I should just be watching price and trading accordingly, regardless of it going up or down.
I'm also mad that I won't have a good update to tell my sister over the holidays when I fly home because she thinks this whole trading business is not possible, and I so wanted a good update, and there are also stresses with the girlfriend. I just want to be single while I struggle through this. So as you can see, so much going on in my head.
MOVING FORWARD
So honestly, I think I'm gonna go cry now. Its not about the money though. I'm down over $800 in the past couple of days now I guess, but only about $400 since I started two weeks ago just doing my weekly updates. What hurts the most is not doing anything right. Trades that worked I was out of so soon, losers I kept holding onto, and I spent so much time being mad at all this opportunity passing me by.
I'm by no means giving up, and after I have my emotional release and let it all go, I'm gonna work on fixing the problems. I will go over these past two weeks over the weekend and see what would have happened if I just followed the static bars without letting how they form influence me. Watching price actually move is not good for me, but watching how far it goes (the high and low) and what it does on the next bar I think I can deal with. The more I actually focused on price movement the more panicked and emotional it made me. If I could just focus on the highs and lows of the bars, and then run a so called script in my head (if this, then do this, etc...), then I think I might be much better at this. I really do see so much opportunity on the chart, but there is a huge disconnect with how this all unfolds in real time.
I can't say when I will update next because frankly, this journal is now causing me too much stress. The idea is to have a couple of good weeks and get my shit together and then get back to posting.