If a man is alone in the forest and speaks, and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? 
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A penguin decides to take a trip from the South Pole up to the North Pole (this is a true story, btw). He's driving through Arizona when his car overheats and he is forced to pull over at the side of the road. He calls a tow-truck which takes his disabled vehicle to the local auto shop. The mechanic tells the penguin that he can fix it, but it'll take an hour.
The penguin wanders around town killing time and pretty soon he's really hot so he decides to get out of the sun and goes into the local supermarket. He wanders around in the supermarket and eventually comes across the freezer section. It looks pretty inviting inside so he hops in. While cooling off he's tempted by the vanilla ice cream beside him. He digs in and soon two whole cartons are empty. By this time he figures an hour is up and heads back to the auto shop.
The mechanic sees him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
The penguin wanders around town killing time and pretty soon he's really hot so he decides to get out of the sun and goes into the local supermarket. He wanders around in the supermarket and eventually comes across the freezer section. It looks pretty inviting inside so he hops in. While cooling off he's tempted by the vanilla ice cream beside him. He digs in and soon two whole cartons are empty. By this time he figures an hour is up and heads back to the auto shop.
The mechanic sees him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal."
"No," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
I can't think of joke, so I'll tell you about an event of mine. This was back in technical school. This is where I learned my job in the Air Force. It was a class of 5, and we were all pretty close friends. One of the classmates is a female and she's bi-sexual. The military does not allow that, but you're not supposed to talk about it either.
Well the instructor that we had at the time is Mexican. He would constantly make fun of me for being Korean. One day he says to me, "Hey Kim, ya ever eat cat?" I said, "No." Then I turned over to the dyke and said, "Hey Davis, ever eat pussy?"
Well the instructor that we had at the time is Mexican. He would constantly make fun of me for being Korean. One day he says to me, "Hey Kim, ya ever eat cat?" I said, "No." Then I turned over to the dyke and said, "Hey Davis, ever eat pussy?"
a man is at a ticket counter at a airport and he says "I need a picket to tittspurgh" then suddenly realizes what he had said and
apologized. A man standing behind him chimed in and said
" I do it all the time", just the other day I was having breakfast with my wife and said " you ruined my life you bitch"
apologized. A man standing behind him chimed in and said
" I do it all the time", just the other day I was having breakfast with my wife and said " you ruined my life you bitch"
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian
a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out.
Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management job.
Drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."
bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian
a tall mug of coffee and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air and blasts it with the shotgun, then walks out.
Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."
The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"
The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management job.
Drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."
Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard?
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 Minutes.
Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.
Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your own vasectomy.
Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.
Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.
Q. What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.
Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard?
Q. What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A. 45 lbs.
Q. What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A. 45 Minutes.
Q. What is the difference between medium and rare?
A. Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.
Subject: "I NOT COME WORK TODAY"
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss, I not come work
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
Hung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss, I not come work
today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work."
The boss says, "You know, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
> Here are some comments made by sports commentators
> that I'm sure they would like to take back:
>
> 1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic
> Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from
> Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during
> her warm up and it was amazing."
>
> 2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is
> really a lovely horse and I speak from personal
> experience since I once mounted her mother."
>
> 3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is
> absolutely, truly unique, except for the one
> behind it which is exactly identical to the one in
> front of the similar one in back."
>
> 4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my
> parents, especially my mother and father."
>
> 5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been
> injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none
> of them really that serious."
>
> 6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats
> itself, I should think we can expect the same
> thing again."
>
> 7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the
> opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see
> it all over their faces."
>
> 8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
> "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge
> president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
>
> 9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks
> is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
> on the field."
>
> 10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons
> Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before
> each final round, his wife takes out his balls and
> kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
> that I'm sure they would like to take back:
>
> 1. Weightlifting commentator at the Olympic
> Snatch and Jerk Event: "This is Gregoriava from
> Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during
> her warm up and it was amazing."
>
> 2. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator: "This is
> really a lovely horse and I speak from personal
> experience since I once mounted her mother."
>
> 3. Grand Prix Race Announcer: "The lead car is
> absolutely, truly unique, except for the one
> behind it which is exactly identical to the one in
> front of the similar one in back."
>
> 4. Greg Norman, Pro Golfer: "I owe a lot to my
> parents, especially my mother and father."
>
> 5. Ringside Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been
> injuries and even some deaths in boxing - but none
> of them really that serious."
>
> 6. Baseball announcer: "If history repeats
> itself, I should think we can expect the same
> thing again."
>
> 7. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the
> opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see
> it all over their faces."
>
> 8. At a trophy ceremony BBC TV Boat Race 1988:
> "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge
> president is hugging the cox of the Oxford crew."
>
> 9. Metro Radio, College Football: "Julian Dicks
> is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks
> on the field."
>
> 10. US Open TV Commentator: "One of the reasons
> Arnie Palmer is playing so well is that, before
> each final round, his wife takes out his balls and
> kisses them. Oh my God, what have I just said?"
The Three Samurai
Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up:
a Japanese Samurai
a Chinese Samurai
a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not
dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
Back in the time when the Samurai were important, there was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai, so he sent out a declaration throughout the land that he was searching for one. A year passed, and only 3 people showed up:
a Japanese Samurai
a Chinese Samurai
a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground in 2 pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is impressive!"
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, for him to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box, and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! went his sword, and the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.
The emperor exclaimed: "That is really VERY impressive!"
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him also to demonstrate why he should be the head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whooooosh! Whooooosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around. The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked: "After all of that, why is the gnat not
dead?"
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."
A man is shipwrecked onto a desert island. Except for himself, the only
other survivors are a dog and a sheep. After a few weeks on the island, the
man starts to eye the sheep as a potential outlet for his building-up sexual
energy.
The dog, however, will have none of this. Every time the man starts to
approach the sheep, the dog starts to growl menacingly, preventing the man
from getting close to the sheep. This continues for weeks.
One morning, however, the man notices a body floating ashore. Upon inspection
he finds it to be a half-alive woman, virtually naked, and more beautiful then
any other woman he had ever seen. He revives her. She looks up at her savior
realizing that she owes her life to him. She says, "Thank you, thank you. I
owe my life to you. How can I ever repay you? I'll do anything for you that
you'd like. Just name it."
The man thinks for a second, then says, "Take this dog for a walk."
------------
heard this one tonite from a friend A boy asks his dad.."Dad..what is the
difference between Technicality, and Actuality...?.." Dad says.."I will give
you an example son.. Go upstairs and ask you mom, if for $250,000, would she
sleep with Bob our neighbor..." So the boy asks his mom the question, and
she replys.."$250,000,.. Sure.."
So the boy goes to his dad and says,. "Mom said yes.."
And the dad says.. "Figures... Now go ask you sister the same question..
So the boy goes and asks his sister.
"Sis,.. would you sleep with Bob next door for $250,000.? "
And the sister says "$250,000,.. you better believe it.."
So the boy goes back upstairs and says " Dad,.. Sis said yes she would too.."
And the dad says,.. " Well there you have it son,.. Technically,.. We are
living with a half million dollars in this house,.. but in actuallity, we are
living with a couple of whores..."
------------
Man takes pair of pants he bought back to the store where he bought them.
Lady says, "can I help you?". Man says, "Yes...please tell the tailor that
these pants are like the ballroom at the Biltmore Hotel." Lady says, "But,
sir, the Biltmore has no ballroom." Man replies, "Same thing with these
pants."
------------
A young lady went into a drug store for the first time to buy rubbers. She
noticed they came in 3 paks, 6 paks, and 12 packs. She asked the
pharmacist,"What is the difference in the packages"? He said, well the 3 packs
are for high school kids, one friday night,saturday night, and sunday night.
Well then what are the 6packs for she asked. The six packs are for college
students. Two for Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night. Well then
she asked what are the 12 packs for? The 12 packs are for married people. ONe
for January, one for February....
other survivors are a dog and a sheep. After a few weeks on the island, the
man starts to eye the sheep as a potential outlet for his building-up sexual
energy.
The dog, however, will have none of this. Every time the man starts to
approach the sheep, the dog starts to growl menacingly, preventing the man
from getting close to the sheep. This continues for weeks.
One morning, however, the man notices a body floating ashore. Upon inspection
he finds it to be a half-alive woman, virtually naked, and more beautiful then
any other woman he had ever seen. He revives her. She looks up at her savior
realizing that she owes her life to him. She says, "Thank you, thank you. I
owe my life to you. How can I ever repay you? I'll do anything for you that
you'd like. Just name it."
The man thinks for a second, then says, "Take this dog for a walk."
------------
heard this one tonite from a friend A boy asks his dad.."Dad..what is the
difference between Technicality, and Actuality...?.." Dad says.."I will give
you an example son.. Go upstairs and ask you mom, if for $250,000, would she
sleep with Bob our neighbor..." So the boy asks his mom the question, and
she replys.."$250,000,.. Sure.."
So the boy goes to his dad and says,. "Mom said yes.."
And the dad says.. "Figures... Now go ask you sister the same question..
So the boy goes and asks his sister.
"Sis,.. would you sleep with Bob next door for $250,000.? "
And the sister says "$250,000,.. you better believe it.."
So the boy goes back upstairs and says " Dad,.. Sis said yes she would too.."
And the dad says,.. " Well there you have it son,.. Technically,.. We are
living with a half million dollars in this house,.. but in actuallity, we are
living with a couple of whores..."
------------
Man takes pair of pants he bought back to the store where he bought them.
Lady says, "can I help you?". Man says, "Yes...please tell the tailor that
these pants are like the ballroom at the Biltmore Hotel." Lady says, "But,
sir, the Biltmore has no ballroom." Man replies, "Same thing with these
pants."
------------
A young lady went into a drug store for the first time to buy rubbers. She
noticed they came in 3 paks, 6 paks, and 12 packs. She asked the
pharmacist,"What is the difference in the packages"? He said, well the 3 packs
are for high school kids, one friday night,saturday night, and sunday night.
Well then what are the 6packs for she asked. The six packs are for college
students. Two for Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday night. Well then
she asked what are the 12 packs for? The 12 packs are for married people. ONe
for January, one for February....