Share your favorite Jokes

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the
trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar,
drinking a beer and talking about the current cow prices.

Suddenly a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich,
begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent
that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at
her and says, "Kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head no.
"Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes
her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the
back of her dress, yanks down her panties and slowly runs
his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her
back. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm
and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to
breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar and
takes a drink from his beer.

His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind
Lick maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it before."
 
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of
her students.The teacher asked, "Harry what is your
problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first
grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the
principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office,
the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test
and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was
to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions are explained to
him and he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought
a third grader should know. The principal looks at the
teacher and teacher, "I think Harry can go to the third
grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask
him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I
have only two of?" Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have
but I do not have?"

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could
stop the answer, Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in
'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher,
"Put Harry in the fifth grade. Hell, I missed the last four
questions myself."
 
Here are some tech log entries by pilots and the subsequent smart arse replies from their maintenance crews.

(P) = Pilot's entry
(E) = Engineer's entry

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
(E) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
(E) Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

(P) # 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
(E) # 2 propeller seepage normal.
(P) # 1, # 3, and # 4 propellers lack normal seepage.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.
(E) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
(E) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.
(E) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.
(E) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
(E) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.
(E) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
(E) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.
(E) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.
(E) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.
(E) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

(P) Pilot's clock inop.
(E) Wound pilots clock.

(P) Autopilot tends to drop a wing when fuel imbalance reaches 500lbs.
(E) Flight manual limits maximum fuel imbalance to 300lbs.

(P) #2 ADF needle runs wild.
(E) Caught and tamed #2 ADF needle.

(P) - Suspected crack in windscreen.
(E) - Suspect you're right.

(P) - Mouse in cockpit.
(E) - Cat installed.
 
1. Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well
within the price range of most people--whether they are
employed or not.
2. At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire
to cut. You will always choose the right one.
4. Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
5. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a
fight involving martial arts: your enemies will wait patiently
to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
6. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in
your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly
bluish.
7. If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a
world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
8. Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned
down three days before their retirement.
9. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill
their arch enemies using complicated machinery involving
fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating
sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to
escape.
10. All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach
the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man
lying beside her.
11. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of
French bread.
12. It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is
someone in the control tower to talk you down.
13. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off--even while
scuba diving.
14. You're very likely to survive any battle in any war
unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of
your sweetheart back home.
15. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or
Russian officer, it will not be necessary to speak the
language. A German or Russian accent will do.
16. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
17. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his
wounds.
18. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be
thrown through it before long.
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate
any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
20. Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will
always say: Enter Password Now.
21. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to
right every few moments.
22. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with
large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to
go off.
23. A detective can only solve a case once he has been
suspended from duty.
24. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone
you meet will know all the steps.
25. Police departments give their officers personality tests
to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is
their total opposite.
26. When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer
to speak to each other in English.
 
A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his rampant infidelity... suddenly the woman reached over and sliced off the man's penis... angrily the woman tossed the penis out the window of the car.......

Driving behind the car was a pickup truck with a middle-aged man and his 10 year old daughter... all of a sudden, the penis smacked the pickup in the windshield and flew off... surprised and frightened, the daughter asked,

"Daddy what was that ?!?"... Not wanting to expose his 10 year
old daughter to sexual issues at such a tender age, the father replied, "It was only a bug, honey"... the daughter paused, looked confused and after a minute said... "sure had a big dick !!!"
 
Originally posted by Tech Analysis
19. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
More...
i'm all for that one..
 
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