POLL: The repercussions of a US attack on Iraq
- Thread starter candletrader
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Fantastic biting wit! Reminds me of Buchwald at his peak. Post of the Year!Quote from hapaboy:
My dear Madison, your unwavering logic has pierced me like an arrow of truth. I have undergone a transformation, a la brother Candle, from die-hard warmonger to, well, let's be honest, a better person. What did it for me was your statement:
The blinding simplicity of that statement has made me realize how foolish I've been. I must emphasize that statement again:
HE PURPORTEDLY INVADED KUWAIT
I must now confess that I know more than I let on. Yep,
since ElCubano discovered that I'm privy to all sorts of classified material thanks to my Safeway Club Card, I'll fill you in on What Really Happened in Kuwait. It won't surprise you to hear that, of course, THE U.S. STARTED THE WAR! Those warmongers can call us CONSPIRACY THEORISTS all they want, but darnit, we know the truth is out there, don't we?!?
This is how it went down:
A team of DELTA FORCE INSTIGATORS was inserted at the Iraq-Kuwait border, where they blared Bob Dylan songs at the Iraqi border patrol at maximum volume. This, a fine example of US foreign policy at its worst, resulted in the poor, innocent Iraqi troops - who had, by the way, been peacefully knitting crochet and reading "How to Be a Good Neighbor" magazine - having no choice but to call Saddam at his humble co-op on the lower-east side of Baghdad and ask what they should do. Saddam, a tad incensed as he had been interrupted in the middle of signing a historic document authorizing all Iraqi Kurds unfettered access to his 60 palaces and their swimming pools and video game arcades, paused for a second then advised them to make "double, no triple sure" that the Americans had actually incurred into Iraqi territory. Assured that they had, Saddam wearily shook his head, a man of peace bereaved under the weight of what he must do. After praying to Allah for forgiveness, he uttered softly into the mouthpiece: "Follow them into Kuwait. We must protect our Kuwaiti brothers from this evil. Oh, and if possible, use rubber bullets. If we can drive the Americans away with no blood spilt, my sleep will be easier in the harrowing days to come."
Hanging up the phone, Saddam finished his document then called El AL to reserve the next flight to Jerusalem, where he was to be awarded the Ben Gurion Prize for Peace by the editors of Hebrew Housekeeping Weekly in a secret ceremony (you see, Madison, Iraq & Israel are really secret buddies! It's actually a decades-long facade the Jews implemented in order to keep US military aid money pouring in. Why do you think the Scuds were so ineffective?!? Bad design?!? Please! And why didn't the Israelis retaliate, huh?!? That's proof right there! But don't tell anyone, okay? sssshhhhh) Before retiring to bed, Saddam prayed again for Allah's forgiveness then called the 700 Club and pledged 30 bucks.
Meanwhile, back at the border, the Iraqi troops removed the "make love not war" buttons from their uniforms, reluctantly took the flowers out of their rifle barrels, and chased the imperialist Americans into Kuwait. Once inside Kuwaiti territory, our Iraqi heroes were confronted by Elvis Presley and Jimmy Hoffa sitting by an oasis pool performing a duet of "Love Me Tender." This mollified them somewhat, and they would have left Kuwait immediately had it not been for the strange appearance of a UFO that landed among them. This disc-shaped craft, emblazoned somewhat suspiciously with a Texaco emblem on its side, suddenly opened on one side and out stepped none other than JFK! Turns out the man shot in Dallas was in fact....oh, wait, sorry, you're not cleared for that just yet. Rack up bigger monthly bills at Safeway and I may be able to let you in on it...
As for the rest, you know what happened. Iraq liberated Kuwait and its people from their notoriously miserable life of wealth, independence, and a few good night clubs. The Kuwaiti people were so happy they gave Saddam and his troops all of their money, cars, jewelry, etc. Oh, and the Kuwaiti women just positively THREW themselves at the handsome Iraqi troops (that whole rape nonsense was a Zionist distortion of the media). The evil Americans, guided as usual in the background by a select cabal of Jewish bankers (who are also members of the committee that made up out of thin air that whole Holocaust fabrication)*, then used deceit, blackmail, gummy bears, and thousands of Jenna Jameson DVDs to form a coalition of nations to invade Kuwait without provocation and steal back their monopoly on the oil trade.
In Baghdad, Saddam heard news of the coalition, stepped into his kitchen, and shouted (Al Pacino voice from Godfather III goes here) "Every time I try to get out, they PULL ME BACK IN!" When informed that he was suspected of manufacturing bio/chem/nuke weapons, he was quite properly stunned as he thought his scientists were merely making better insecticides. Everyone in the world knows Iraqi roaches are the size of small dogs and quite capable of carrying off small children! Bigger bugs meant more powerful bug juice, simple as that! Why weren't the Americans investigating the manufacturer of RAID for chrissakes?!? Racist bastards!
Anyhoo, Iraqi troops bid a tearful farewell to their Kuwaiti brothers and sisters and, out of the goodness of their own hearts, left Kuwait in order to prevent possible bloodshed. (No Iraqi soldiers were actually captured or killed, you see. The images of frontline Iraqi troops surrendering by the thousands en masse were digitally produced effects from LucasFilms and the EA Sports gaming software company, and were designed to fool the American public into thinking their armed forces could actually do some damage. George Lucas, as you well know, is George Dubya's half-brother, the bastard offspring of a dalliance between George Sr. and Marilyn Monroe. Heh heh, and all this time you thought the Kennedy's were responsible for her murder!)
Oh, and whilst chasing them, a clumsy American trooper taking a cigarette break dropped his Zippo lighter into a nearby oil well, starting a chain reaction of blazes that made the Kuwaiti sky black. When apprised of this, George Bush, Sr. immediately telephoned his "sleepers" at CNN - Ted Turner & Bernard Shaw - and uttered the codeword that transformed them from objective human beings and reporters to robotic mouthpieces of the Bush Administration. In this way, the nefarious, interventionist Americans manipulated the world into believing that the peace-loving Iraqi troops had actually torched the oil wells!
(That codeword, by the way, was ZELDA. I can tell you now only because I'm safely hidden by clandestine elements of the NAE - Network of Amish Electricians. They shuttle me from barn to barn hidden under bales of hay in various horse carts employing an ingenius switch pattern performed at 4 mph).
* That cabal of bankers is the same group that called all the Jewish workers at the WTC and told them not to come to work on 9/11. But you already knew that, didn't ya pal?
Madison, I humbly propose that you and I, along with Candle, Kicking, and other fellow rationals, make a trip to Baghdad. Kind of like what that great patriot Sean Penn did. We'll all stand in a circle with Saddam holding hands and sing "Kumbayah." The power of our belief will emanate from our circle of love and spread throughout the globe. I just know the world will come to its senses then. I can say with all confidence that the gesture will make Bin Laden emerge from hiding, go to D.C., and do a jig with our President, who will immediately announce that effective immediately the US will not intervene in world affairs. The world, far from perceiving this as weakness and capitulation, would erupt in a volcano of kindred goodwill. Hamas and other Palestinian terrorist groups would immediately cease their suicide bombings and throw white garlands over smiling Israeli troops. India and Pakistan will disarm. North Korea will dismantle its military and open itself to the rest of the world. Free trade would flow unchecked. The Police would reunite and tour again. All would be right with the world. 'sigh' I'm getting a peaceful, easy feeling just thinking about it.
Thank you so for showing me the light! Gotta go and hug my new neighbor down the street. He's a convicted child molester out due to prison over-crowding, but deep down I know I need not worry about the safety of my family because hey, since he has been through counseling in prison, I know I can trust him 100%. Even when he stares and drools while kids walk past him. Aw shucks, that's probably just the medication!
If it weren't for you, Candle, Kicking, et al, I never would have realized that the answer to the current crisis is written in an old Beatles tune. All you need is love.
Have a very pleasant weekend.
Truth?????????????????? What frigging planet are you from?
Your inferences are as ridiculous as your thinking, WAKE UP and smell the coffee! monkey see monkey do
You want truth??? feast on this truth: http://www.voxnyc.com/archives/bush_is_clueless.gif
and this frigging truth: http://liberty.hypermart.net/editorials/2002/PARALLELS.htm
read the last loud and clear, cause it's %#@%$#%@ s like you that elect garbage like the present group of thugs
same policies different scale, have been destroying my country and what it USED to stand for
Quote a legitimate, known and independent news source for your position. Not even the liberal press buys in to this crap.Quote from trader556:
Truth?????????????????? What frigging planet are you from?
Your inferences are as ridiculous as your thinking, WAKE UP and smell the coffee! monkey see monkey do
You want truth??? feast on this truth: http://www.voxnyc.com/archives/bush_is_clueless.gif
and this frigging truth: http://liberty.hypermart.net/editorials/2002/PARALLELS.htm
read the last loud and clear, cause it's %#@%$#%@ s like you that elect garbage like the present group of thugs
same policies different scale, have been destroying my country and what it USED to stand for
Quote from trader556:
Truth?????????????????? What frigging planet are you from?
Your inferences are as ridiculous as your thinking, WAKE UP and smell the coffee! monkey see monkey do
You want truth??? feast on this truth: http://www.voxnyc.com/archives/bush_is_clueless.gif
and this frigging truth: http://liberty.hypermart.net/editorials/2002/PARALLELS.htm
read the last loud and clear, cause it's %#@%$#%@ s like you that elect garbage like the present group of thugs
same policies different scale, have been destroying my country and what it USED to stand for
Brother trader556, why are you so angry? Have you learned nothing from Madison, Wild, Kicking, and Co. as I have? To quote that great man of peace Rodney King, can't we all just get along?
You definitely need to join us on the Brotherhood to Baghdad tour....It's semi-casual by the way.
As far as your sources, thank you for opening my eyes to such objective/un-biased journalism. I had NO IDEA that 9/11 was a malicious plot designed by George W!! And the comparison to Hitler - a lightning bolt of crystal clarity that really has purged me of the last vestiges of doubt that had been festering in my mind! How foolish of me not to have seen it! My goodness, with each post I read on this board I am enlightened further and further. I estimate I will reach Nirvana before the page count on this thread reaches 87.
Thank you again trader556! Thank you thank you!
P.S. Since you asked, I'm from Xormela, about 4 parsecs from Jilena in the Coranthix galaxy. Get to your nearest crop circle and you shall be taken on a tour forthwith...
a new Gulf War:
the real cost
http://www.medact.org/tbx/docs/Medact Iraq report-spread.pdf
collateral damage
http://www.medact.org/tbx/docs/Medact Iraq report_final3.pdf
the real cost
http://www.medact.org/tbx/docs/Medact Iraq report-spread.pdf
collateral damage
http://www.medact.org/tbx/docs/Medact Iraq report_final3.pdf
Sugggest you email Saddam these links... since Iraq will bear the brunt of the damage, maybe he will get a clue and capitulate.
Here's a better source for what Iraq faces:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/articles/A11171-2003Jan4.html
You would think that the Iraqis would take this madman out on their own rather than go through it, again.
I can't imagine why he wouldn't capitulate max. His track record of taking care of his own people is, after all, unparalleled in the modern era. Indeed, the concern and care he showers upon them makes UNICEF look positively Scrooge-like!Witness how he properly utilizes the funds from fuel sales allowed under the embargo to feed his citizens and provide them with medical care. Those new palaces and military hardware? Well, you don't think Santa Claus only makes house calls in the Western hemisphere do you?