My teenage son got busted smoking. Now what.

[Baron]

So I discovered that my 16-year-old son has been vaping nicotine and smoking weed. He says he's been doing it for two months but it's probably more like a year for the vaping and a few months for weed, based upon how I've seen his grades go to shit recently. He's been skipping classes at school and the whole nine yards. He was busted with his friend smoking at his mother's house.

I'm told that if I take everything away from him and treat him like an inmate under 24-hour surveillance, it just makes the situation worse, so any advice you have would be much appreciated because I don't want to screw this up.

 

[CaptainObvious]

So I discovered that my 16-year-old son has been vaping nicotine and smoking weed. He says he's been doing it for two months but it's probably more like a year for the vaping and a few months for weed, based upon how I've seen his grades go to shit recently. He's been skipping classes at school and the whole nine yards. He was busted with his friend smoking at his mother's house.

I'm told that if I take everything away from him and treat him like an inmate under 24-hour surveillance, it just makes the situation worse, so any advice you have would be much appreciated because I don't want to screw this up.

At about the same age I got busted smoking cigarettes and was "grounded" for two weeks. It did nothing to deter me from smoking.
Far as the weed goes, I see many young people coming into NA meeting as well as AA meeting, many of them being forced by parents who are rightly concerned, but in some cases over reacting. It's a tough call what to do. I know one thing for sure, unless the person, young or older wants to stop, sees a problem for themselves, they are not going to stop.
I would encourage you to have a heart felt discussion with your son. No preaching, no threatening to do this or that. They'll just resist. Peer pressure at that age is tremendous. Don't become the enemy, but you can't be a "friend" either. Treat him like a man, but let him know as your son you are concerned for him and are open to discussion as to why he feels the need to get high. Try to find out if he's self medicating to deal with anxiety or depression, or is he just exploring the new party scene which he has discovered. Most kids will grow out of it, but the problem is a whole host of bad things can happen while they're figuring it all out.
At this point you must keep a watchful eye for use of other drugs, more reckless behavior, different friends showing up who are obviously not the type you'd want him hanging with, and dramatic mood swings. If this continues and goes further off the rails then there will have to be consequences, but I wouldn't rush into that just yet. At that age, if it's going to get worse, it'll happen rather quickly and then you need to be prepared to act. I would encourage you to reach out to your local programs that deal with such issues, just to be prepared in case it gets out of hand.

 

[ElCubano]

I agree 100% with @CaptainObvious. This is what I told my son then. "I cant monitor you 24/7 so its up to you, but smoking at your age doesn't let your brain develop accordingly". It didn't work. He grew out of it and is a super young man

 

[tango29]

I've read CaptainObvious's post about 4 times now, and it is really good. Our oldest went through the dope smoking phase when he got to college. He wasn't at home so I didn't catch it, and based on his making it through high school without experimenting I didn't even think about it, which was really stupid. He ended up more or less wasting 2.5-3 years at a fairly expensive private university that we covered the costs over his scholarship.
I figured it out when we moved his stuff out of the dorm and a desk drawer popped open with a film canister that reeked like weed. At that point I figured it out and we had a talk. I was pissed, but managed to remain calm. It was a good talk and I continued to talk with him after that, but avoided it being a preaching session, like the Captain mentions. He took some time off to get his head together and my wife and I helped him work on what he would want to do. He got himself together and took some classes at a Technical college to get his feet back in school and then transferred to a University to finish up his degree in nursing.
I'll rehash what Captain said, and encourage starting a conversation, and making it one where he knows you care, and yes, maybe a bit upset. I would also follow up with him and check on where his head is at along the way. Another point he made is checking to see if he may need help with depression or the like and possibly seeing if he would like to talk to someone other than you and your wife. That point I speak from personal experience. It isn't necessarily an easy step, but it can be helpful.
I agree the inmate option probably ends up causing more problems, as well as the whole yelling and screaming option, and telling him he can't do this. I think there was another thread about telling someone not to do something only putting them on the path to do it.
Peace

 

[KCalhoun]

Having been through the same thing as a 16yr old teen, and lots of experience with others, the #1 thing is get him away from the fucked up influence of the asshole who's leading him down that path. Otherwise it never gets better. Spending time with party/drug people NEVER lets the guy shake free of it. Cut the cord re that 'friend'. Immediately forbid, and encourage him to instead try and date/talk to girls, or get other guy friends.

Personally i strongly believe in not being 'do your own thing' but in grounding, strict discipline so he can get out of it. Have him watch positive stuff like tony robbins. Be sure to read the book 'codependent no more' by mary beatty. if u want we can talk on phone. now is critical to slam door shut on party/drug shit. be like the drill sergeant in full metal jacket not some liberal wokeweak 'loving but concerned parent' cuz that sht dont work. #survivedandlearned

 

[traderob]

My 13 year old brought home a letter from school once saying she had been caught smoking. She told the teacher her father wouldn't say anything.
I didn't.
She is now 30, married, a non smoker and more importantly happy and we get on great as we always have.

 

[Gianna Monaldo]

I remember a similar thing happened with my brother. Our dad caught him. My dad talked with him and helped me avoid that. You could try doing the same. Grounding doesn’t help.

 

[LacesOut]

Ughhhhhh….
Just tell him that

1) only losers smoke cigarettes. Girls can’t stand it. You smell like shit and your fitness will get crushed. Whenever you pass a loser smoking on the street, make note of it - check out this pathetic loser smoking.

2) nicotine is plainly the most addictive substance known to man. Remind him the longer he smokes the harder it will be to stop.

3) weed in small doses is fine. Just Be in a safe place. Remind him to never get in a car with a high person and for him to never drive high. It’s much less dangerous than drinking and driving but you are still impaired and should avoid it at all costs. I told my kid (18) I would rather die than kill someone as a result of my having fucked up by driving impaired.

 

[Monobrowtrading]

Ughhhhhh….
Just tell him that

1) only losers smoke cigarettes. Girls can’t stand it. You smell like shit and your fitness will get crushed. Whenever you pass a loser smoking on the street, make note of it - check out this pathetic loser smoking.

2) nicotine is plainly the most addictive substance known to man. Remind him the longer he smokes the harder it will be to stop.

3) weed in small doses is fine. Just Be in a safe place. Remind him to never get in a car with a high person and for him to never drive high. It’s much less dangerous than drinking and driving but you are still impaired and should avoid it at all costs. I told my kid (18) I would rather die than kill someone as a result of my having fucked up by driving impaired.

I took Drivers-Ed in high school right after lunch, was stoned to the BeJesus, even slammed a Coors or 2. Not a problem. Excepted to UCB undergrad. Considering it’s Florida, you should thank your lucky stars it’s not meth or oxy.

 

[Frederick Foresight]

Having been through the same thing as a 16yr old teen, and lots of experience with others, the #1 thing is get him away from the fucked up influence of the asshole who's leading him down that path. Otherwise it never gets better. Spending time with party/drug people NEVER lets the guy shake free of it. Cut the cord re that 'friend'. Immediately forbid, and encourage him to instead try and date/talk to girls, or get other guy friends.

Personally i strongly believe in not being 'do your own thing' but in grounding, strict discipline so he can get out of it. Have him watch positive stuff like tony robbins. Be sure to read the book 'codependent no more' by mary beatty. if u want we can talk on phone. now is critical to slam door shut on party/drug shit. be like the drill sergeant in full metal jacket not some liberal wokeweak 'loving but concerned parent' cuz that sht dont work. #survivedandlearned

I agree that the people a teenager spends time with can have a strong influence on the path he takes and the life he makes for himself. What appear to be small decisions made now, early in life, can have a meaningful impact down the road. Thoroughly bringing that point home would be a good thing.