Jokes

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A postal worker was sorting mail a week before Christmas when he came across
a letter addressed to God. Since it would be destroyed he decided to open
the letter and read it.

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone
stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my
next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my
friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food
with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please
help me?

Sincerely,
Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an
envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a
warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with
her friends.


Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old
lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened, It
read.

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a
lovely day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way,
there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at
the post office.

Sincerely,
Edna
 
Terrorist Plans and their Support

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What happened?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon"
 
The Cat And The Dish

A famous art collector is walking through the city when he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the doorway of a store and he does a double take. He recognizes that the saucer is extremely old and very valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers to buy the cat for two dollars.
The storeowner replies "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around the house to catch mice. I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold," and hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I wonder if you could throw in that old saucer. The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get a dish."
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky saucer. So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats!"

:) :) :)
 
Email of undertermined authenticity:

Brad,
It would be difficult for me to be any more miserable right now, I feel like the worst person ever. First, let me start by saying that I am truly truly sorry, and I hate myself for hurting you. Of all the people in the whole entire world, you were honestly the last person that I would ever want to wrong in any way. There is no excuse at all or anything that happened, so I won't even try other than to say all of us had WAY too much to drink, and I did a stupid thing. I can handle you being pissed at me, I absolutely deserve it, I can even handle the ugly words that were exchanged between us, what I can't handle is thinking that you see me as a different person.

It is weird, I feel like I just went through a horrible break up or something. The world looked funny yesterday, I couldn't crack a smile if you paid me, there are songs I can't listen to, and I just feel beyond crushed. I don't know if you meant everything you said to me, and I am hoping that you didn't. I know that I was wrong on many levels, but I am also hoping that this is something that we can deal with. I know it sounds totally crazy and stupid, but you have come to play such a significant role in my life, I can't imagine my days without you. It is totally strange and weird to say that, and you could say that my behavior didn't reflect that, and you would be correct. I hate feeling like you hate me, and I hate feeling like all of your friends think I am a terrible person, because I am not. I know there is nothing I can say or do to take back what happened, but I just want you to know that fighting with you was just about the worst thing I could have ever imagined. It was right up there with one of the ugliest nights of my life, and I would give anything in the world to rewind and fix it.

I am not sure if you will respond to this, part of me thinks that you won't. If not today, then maybe some other time. Also, thanks for getting my stuff together, although I think my sunglasses are still at your house, if you could keep your eyes peeled for them that would be great.

I can't even focus or work today, I can't eat, I seriously feel like it was an ugly break up, and I am hoping against hopes that it was not that and you are not done with me. Please don't cut me off, I really don't think I can handle that.

I am so sorry.

Elizabeth


Dear Elizabeth,

Thank you for your concern. I'll be sure to file it away under "L" for "Long-winded diatribes from drunken whores I couldn't care less about". You did a stupid thing huh? No...doing long division and forgetting to carry the one is "a stupid thing"; Mixing in a red sock with a load whites is "a stupid thing"; Blowing some guy in a bathroom for 45 minutes while I sit at the bar wondering if you're taking so long because you ate too much bran that morning isn't as much a "Stupid thing" as it is grounds for permanent removal from my social calendar.

To be honest, I'm not sure if it was more amusing that you went and degraded yourself in a public toilet not once but twice in a 2 hour span, or that you seemed to think that by saying "Well, I didn't F**k him" somehow gave you a clean slate. So forgive me if I couldn't care less if the world "looked funny" to you yesterday. Since your world revolves around blow dryers, golden retrievers, Prada Bags and Jelly Beans, I'm sure it must have been most unsettling to actually have to consider someone else's feelings for 24 hours straight.

The good news for you is that my friends don't think you're a terrible person, they just think you're the average run of the mill cum-guzzling blond who commands about as much respect as your average child porn collector. I could be wrong but, it's pretty hard to respect some B&T chick who comes out to spend the night at my place even though she's seeing someone else in New jersey and winds up tongue-bathing the taint of anyone who decides 30 minutes of droning commentary on Colin Farrell's new haircut is worth putting up with for a hand job in the men's room. The good thing about being a guy is that when I eventually bump into the young lad who finger-blasted you on top of a towel dispenser last Saturday, we'll have a shot and laugh our heads off about the time it happened.

By the way, for the amount of time you claim to spend in spin class you really must be doing something wrong to sport the thunder thighs you do. Watching you parade around my bedroom in a thong was a little like watching sea lions mate. Thought you might like to know.

PS. I BCC'd about 100 people on this email.
Talk to you never,

Brad

http://www.snopes.com/embarrass/email/breakup.asp
 
Children Originals -- No Adult Could Be This Creative

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much, that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY(age 4) had an earache and wanted a painkiller. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

D I (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for awhile and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"!

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

THE SERMON I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust."
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mom, what is 'butt-dust'?"

:) :) :)
 
Man-To-Man Wisdom

One guy to another: "They say brunettes have a sweeter disposition than blondes and redheads. Don't believe it! My wife has been all three, and I couldn't see any difference!!"

:) :) :)
 
Man's Lack of Patience. . .

God was just about done creating man,
but he had two things left over in his bag
and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve.
He thought He might just as well ask them.


He told them one of the things he had left
was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing,"
God told them, "
and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."


Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged,
"Oh, please give that to me!
I'd love to be able to do that!
It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have.
Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!"
On and on he went like an excited little boy.


Eve just smiled and told God
that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it!


So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him
to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing
all over the place - first on the side of a rock,
then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he
tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away -
laughing with delight all the while.


God and Eve watched him with amusement and
then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of
stuck with the last thing I have left."


"What's it called?" asked Eve.


"Brains," said God.
 
The Curse of being a Jewish President


This is a story about the first Jewish president of the United States.

One day, his mother calls him on the telephone.

"Bernie, tomorrow is Hanukkah, I want you should come home and be with the family."

"But Ma, I'm the president of the United States. I can't get away. I've got too many things to attend to. But why don't you come down here for the holiday?"

"No, it's too much trouble. I'm not so young anymore. I'd have to clean up the apartment, stop delivery of the newspapers, pack up and it would be a real rush."

"Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll send some of my aides and they'll take care of everything for you. You won't have to lift a finger."

"OK, but then I'd have to book a reservation on a flight and I know I'll never get a seat one day before Hanukkah."

"But Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll send Air Force One to pick you up and fly you down here. You'll travel first class."

"OK, but then I'll have to schlep from the airport into the city, the taxi service in Washington is terrible, and I'm afraid of the subway."

"Ma, Ma, I'm the president of the USA. I'll have my helicopter pick you up at the airport and bring you straight into the city."

"OK, but then I'll need to get a hotel room and they are so expensive and you know how I hate hotels."

"Ma, I'm the president of the USA. You'll stay at the White House and sleep in Lincoln's bedroom."

"Well, OK. I guess I'll come."

So, it was finally settled. The president's mother was scheduled to leave for DC the next morning to celebrate Hanukkah with her son.

A few minutes after she hung up from her son, her friend Minnie called: "So what are you doing for Hanukkah?"

"I am going to spend it with my son."

"Your son the doctor?"

"No, the other one."
 
Railroads, Rockets and Horse's Asses:


The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet - 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did "they" use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.


Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?


Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?


Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they
were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing..

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may

be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army

chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses.


Now the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRBs.
The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRBs had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass.


..... and you thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!
 
Cheaper than Viagra??


The Worm...

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "It's from your Grandma".
 
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