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Best 10 Caddie Replies

10. Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"

9. Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."

8. Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now."

7. Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."

6. Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so sir. That would be too much of a coincidence."

5. Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch it's a compass."

4. Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf."

3. Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin on any day."

2. Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course. We left that an hour ago!"

1. Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old,"
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
 
The Obedient Wife


There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to put all of my money in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died soon after.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check."

"If he can cash it, he can spend it."
 
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying:
"Free to good home. You want it, you take it".
> For three days the fridge sat there without even one person looking
twice at it. He eventually decided that people were too un-trusting of
this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed the sign to
read: "Fridge for sale $50". The next day someone stole it.
> Caution! These people Vote
> =======
> While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent
which direction was North because, he explained, he didn't want the sun
waking him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the
North?" When my brother explained that the sun rises in the East, (and has
for sometime), she shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with
that stuff"...
> She ALSO votes!
> ==========
> I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day
I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center
was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7
days a week." He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting to
end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . . .
> He ALSO votes!
> ==========
> My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving".
> She ALSO votes!
> ==========
> My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It's designed to cut
through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk. .
> My sister ALSO votes!
> ==========
> My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The
cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount...
> He ALSO votes!
> ==========
> I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the
chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's
nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the
head is turned...
> My friend ALSO votes!
> =========
> I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went
to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your
plane arrived yet?". .
> SHE ALSO votes!
 
Men Are Just Happier People--

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache..
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
 
WINTER CLASSES FOR MEN AT

THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY Monday, Dec. 19,2005

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoid ing The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum .
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.


Class 14
The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
 
Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her
clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the
greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment. The the priest said, That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he
can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree
asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with
you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the
engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss
me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
 
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:

1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

:) :) :)
 
A letter left on the dining room table:

My Dear Wife:

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that your 54 year old body can no
longer supply. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after
reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be
spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
perturbed I shall be back home before midnight.

When he came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,

I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this
opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. At the same time I would like to inform
you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, my tennis coach
who, like your secretary, is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your
excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation,
although with one small difference:
18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back
before lunchtime tomorrow..
 
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