They also never had to get up to change the channel.
Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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They also never had to get up to change the channel.
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl. On his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous pair of breasts. She says, "I swear you'll be the first, no one has ever seen or touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Well, have a look at this, Sweetie, it's still in the CRATE!"
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl. On his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous pair of breasts. She says, "I swear you'll be the first, no one has ever seen or touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Well, have a look at this, Sweetie, it's still in the CRATE!"
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghani is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan.
In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghani Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY! Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football.
And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghani is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!"
An elderly woman called 911 to report that her car had been broken into. She was hysterical as she explained her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher tried to appease her: "try to stay calm, madam, an officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard," he said, "she got in the back-seat by mistake."
The dispatcher tried to appease her: "try to stay calm, madam, an officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard," he said, "she got in the back-seat by mistake."
Its a good story but (perhaps sadly) not true:
http://www.snopes.com/crime/justice/grambo.htm
Anyway, back to the jokes!
Scientists recently became convinced that they finally located the seat of medium-term memory in the human body: the middle of the left shin.
As a definitive proof, the report, submitted to the NE Journal of Medicine, states that if one asks someone else where they had gone on vacation the previous summer, while, at the same time, delivering a hard kick on the left shin of the other individual, HE/SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ANSWER!
As a definitive proof, the report, submitted to the NE Journal of Medicine, states that if one asks someone else where they had gone on vacation the previous summer, while, at the same time, delivering a hard kick on the left shin of the other individual, HE/SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO ANSWER!
A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri.
"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise
of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important
that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you
don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the
brain, so..... Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the
following test and determine if you are losing it or
are still "with it."
OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give
up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt
yourself.
If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk,"
please do not attempt the next question. Your brain
is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It
may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate, such as
Children's World.
If you said "water," proceed to question 3
3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a
blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink
house is made from pink bricks and a black house is
made from black bricks, what is a green house made
from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you
said, "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing
reading these questions?
If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000
feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the
time was politically divided into West Germany and
East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the
engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last
remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash
landing procedure..... Unfortunately the third
engine fails before he has time to attempt an
emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack in
the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany
and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or
West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If
you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you
must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.
Your efforts would not be appreciated
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," proceed
to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a
degree every minute how many degrees will the hour
hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said, "360 degrees"
or anything other than "one degree," you are to be
congratulated on getting this far, but you are
obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil,
and exit the room.
Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator --You are driving a
bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In
London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six
people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In
Sweden, two people get off and four get on. In
Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In
Swansea, three people get off and five people get
on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get
on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Don't you remember? It was YOU!!
of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important
that we keep mentally alert. The saying; "If you
don't use it, you will lose it," also applies to the
brain, so..... Below is a very private way to gauge
your loss or non-loss of intelligence. Take the
following test and determine if you are losing it or
are still "with it."
OK, relax, clear your mind and.... begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," then give
up now and go do something else. Try not to hurt
yourself.
If you said, "bread," go to Question 2.
2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk."
What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk,"
please do not attempt the next question. Your brain
is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It
may be that you need to content yourself with
reading something more appropriate, such as
Children's World.
If you said "water," proceed to question 3
3. If a red house is made from red bricks, and a
blue house is made from blue bricks, and a pink
house is made from pink bricks and a black house is
made from black bricks, what is a green house made
from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you
said, "green bricks," what the devil are you still doing
reading these questions?
If you said "glass," then go on to Question 4.
4. Twenty years ago, a plane was flying at 20,000
feet over Germany. If you recall, Germany at the
time was politically divided into West Germany and
East Germany. Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the
engines failed. The pilot, realizing that the last
remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash
landing procedure..... Unfortunately the third
engine fails before he has time to attempt an
emergency landing, and the plane crashes smack in
the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany
and West Germany.
Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany or
West Germany or in "no man's land"?
Answer: You don't, of course, bury survivors. If
you said ANYTHING else, you are a real dunce and you
must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash.
Your efforts would not be appreciated
If you said, "Don't bury the survivors," proceed
to the next question.
5. If the hour hand on a clock moves 1/60 of a
degree every minute how many degrees will the hour
hand move in one hour?
Answer: One degree. If you said, "360 degrees"
or anything other than "one degree," you are to be
congratulated on getting this far, but you are
obviously out of your league. Turn in your pencil,
and exit the room.
Everyone else proceed to the final question.
6. Without using a calculator --You are driving a
bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales. In
London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six
people get off the bus, and nine people get on. In
Sweden, two people get off and four get on. In
Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In
Swansea, three people get off and five people get
on. In Carmarthen, six people get off and three get
on. You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Don't you remember? It was YOU!!
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