Jokes

Status
Not open for further replies.
Rodney Dangerfield's Best One Liners

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over; nobody's home. "I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said, "Because you came home early."

5. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox; the cat kept covering me up.

6. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

7. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast-fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

8. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

9. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

10. I was so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

11. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

12. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

13. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

14. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

15. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

16. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

17. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

18. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

19. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.
 
Commentators Bloopers

1. "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria... I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

2. "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

3. "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Darryl Gibson comes inside of him" (New Zealand rugby commentator)

4. "He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" (Soccer commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992)

5. "The black players at this club lend the side a lot of skill and flair, but you also need white players in there to balance things up and give the team some brains and some common sense." (Crystal Palace chairman Ron Noades, speaking in 1991)

6. "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)

7. "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)

8. "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)

9. "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them serious" (Alan Minter)

10. "The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)
11. If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)

12. "I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)

13. "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)

14. "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

15. "Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." (David Coleman)
16. "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)

17. "and later we will have action from the men's cockless pairs..." (Sue Barker)

18. "Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron Atkinson)

19. "Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

20. "What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

21. "There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and showing his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)
 
What A Difference 30 Years Can Make


1971: Long Hair
2001: Longing for hair

1971: The perfect high
2001: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1971: KEG
2001: EKG

1971: Acid Rock
2001: Acid Reflux

1971: Growing pot
2001: Growing pot belly

1971: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents
2001: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children

1971: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
2001: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor

1971: Seeds and stems
2001: Roughage

1971: Our president's struggle with Fidel
2001: Our president's struggle with fidelity

1971: Paar
2001: AARP

1971: Killer weed
2001: Weed killer

1971: Hoping for a BMW
2001: Hoping for a BM

1971: The Grateful Dead
2001: Dr. Kevorkian

1971: Getting out to a new, hip joint
2001: Getting a new hip joint

1971: Rolling Stones
2001: Kidney stones

1971: Being called into the principal's office
2001: Calling the principal's office

1971: Peace sign
2001: Mercedes logo

1971: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2001: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1971: Take acid
2001: Take antacid

1971: Passing the driver's test
2001: Passing the vision test

1971: Moving to California because it's cool
2001: Moving to California because it's warm
 
Federal Government Personnel

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone could steal from it at night. So they created a night watchman's position (GS-4 level) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning position and hired two people--one person to write the instructions (GS-12 level) and one person to do time studies (GS-11 level).

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Q. C. position and hired two people--one to do the studies (GS-9 level) and one to write the reports (GS-11 level).

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a timekeeper position (GS-9 level) and a payroll officer (GS-11 level).

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created administrative positions and hired three people, an Administrative Officer (GM-13 level), an Assistant Administrative Officer (GS-12 level), and a Legal Secretary (GS-8 level).

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year, and we are $18,000,000 over budget. We must cutback overall costs."

So they laid off the night watchman.
 
Quote from fxtrading:


Study: Fellatio may significantly decrease the risk of breast cancer in women... ...
More...
fx,

I'm sorry for being a pain but the problem I have with this one is that I saw my mother in law die from breast cancer and it was not funny, not even close.

:(
 
Well, sometimes they'll say, well you can talk about something but you can't joke about it. Say you can't joke about something because it's not funny. Comedians run into that shit all the time. Like rape. They'll say, "you can't joke about rape. Rape's not funny." I say, "fuck you, I think it's hilarious. How do you like that?" I can prove to you that rape is funny. Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd. See, hey why do you think they call him "Porky," eh? I know what you're going to say. "Elmer was asking for it. Elmer was coming on to Porky. Porky couldn't help himself, he got a hard- on, he got horney, he lost control, he went out of his mind." A lot of men talk like that. A lot of men think that way. They think it's the woman's fault. They like to blame the rape on the woman. Say, "she had it coming, she was wearing a short skirt." These guys think women ought to go to prison for being cock teasers. Don't seem fair to me. Don't seem right, but you can joke about it. I believe you can joke about anything. It all depends on how you construct the joke. What the exaggeration is. What the exaggeration is. Because every joke needs one exaggeration. Every joke needs one thing to be way out of proportion. Give you an example. Did you ever see a news story like this in the paper? Every now and then you run into a story, says, "some guy broke into a house, stole a lot of things, and while he was in there, he raped an 81 year old woman." And I'm thinking to myself, "WHY??? What the fuck kind of a social life does this guy have?" I want to say, "why did you do that?" "Well she was coming on to me. We were dancing and I got horney. Hey, she was asking for it, she had on a tight bathrobe." I'll say, "Jesus Christ, be a little fucking selective next time will you?"

Now, speaking of rape, do you know what I wonder? I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the north pole. These are the kind of things I think about when I'm sitting home alone and the power goes out. I wonder is there more rape at the equator or the north pole. I mean per capita, I know the populations are different. Most people think it's the equator, I think it's the north pole. People think it's the equator because it's hot down there, they don't wear a lot of clothing, guys can see women's tits, they get horney and there's a lot of fucking going on. That's exactly why there's less rape at the equator. Because there's a lot of fucking going on. You can tell there's a lot of fucking at the equator, take a look at the population figures. Billions of people live near the equator. How many Eskimos do we have? Thirty? Thirty five? No one's getting laid at the north pole, it's too fucking cold. Guys say to their wives, "hey tonight honey, huh, tonight, huh?" "Are you crazy? The wind chill factor is three hundred below." These guys are deprived. Their horney. Their pent up. Every now and then...p-pmm...they bust out, they got to rape somebody.

Now, the biggest problem an Eskimo rapist has, trying to get wet leather leggings off a woman who is kicking. Did you ever try to get leather pants off of someone who doesn't want to take them off? You would lose your hard-on in the process. Up at the north pole you dick would shrivel up like a stack of dimes. That's another thing I wonder. I wonder, does a rapist have a hard-on when he leaves the house in the morning, or does he develop it during the day while he's walking around looking for somebody. These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.
 
The husband had finished his book, "Man Of The House," by
the time he reached home. He stormed into the house and walked
directly upto his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you
to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating it, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're
going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And, when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

"The fucking funeral director," said his wife.
 
Man Forced To Mow Lawn At Gunpoint Gets 20-Year Prison Sentence

POSTED: 7:12 PM EST February 7, 2004

OXFORD, Ala. -- A convicted burglar sentenced in Calhoun County to 20 years in prison this week as a repeat offender had an unusual run-in with his victim.

The victim, Richard Bussey, says he drove up to his father's rural residence last summer and found a man loading furniture and other items into a pickup truck.

Bussey held a gun on the would-be thief and ordered him to return the furniture. Bussey didn't have a telephone, so he made 45-year-old Roy Andrew Gendron mow the lawn with a push mower until he could think of a plan to alert authorities.

Bussey ultimately took Gendron's driver's license and turned it in to police.

Assistant District Attorney Brian McVeigh says Gendron had been arrested 19 times and was on parole when Bussey caught him.

At sentencing Tuesday, Circuit Judge Samuel Monk says the case stands out for its comical twist, calling it "one of the better ones."

And McVeigh says if he ever gets in that situation, "I'll try to get some yard work out of the guy."

:D
 
An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying. The kindly bartender approaches and asks,
“What’s wrong?”

The old man looks at the bartender through teary eyes and between sobs responds,
“I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper, extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, filthy rich, very giving, my best friend, and, above all, intensely passionate in bed.”

The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and expounds,
“But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are you crying?”

The old man looks back at the bartender and mutters,
“Yeah, but, I can’t remember where I live!”

:)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top