Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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What, now we're turning "jokes" into partisan issues.....?? Dan Quayle vs. Al Gore (hardly my picks on the fight card for either party). Although quite humorous quotes, perhaps we should be PC and attribute them to Yogi Berra or Will Rogers. Didn't Rogers say "I never met a "pair" I didn't like" ....or was that Hugh Hefner?
Don
Don
Ah yes, Monica BlewClinsky.
A sign was hung in an office window. It read:
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He
looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth,
and walked into the manager'srs office, making it clear he
wished to apply for the job.
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog
for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity
employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it."
The dog went off to the word processor and returned a
minute later with the finished letter, perfectly
formatted.
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a
computer program for it and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct
answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire
you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
Help wanted.
Must type 70 words a minute.
Must be computer literate.
Must be bilingual.
An equal opportunity employer.
A dog was ambling down the street and saw the sign. He
looked at it for a moment, pulled it down with his mouth,
and walked into the manager'srs office, making it clear he
wished to apply for the job.
The office manager laughed and said, "I can't hire a dog
for this job."
The dog pointed to the line: "An equal opportunity
employer."
So the manager said, "OK, take this letter and type it."
The dog went off to the word processor and returned a
minute later with the finished letter, perfectly
formatted.
The manager said, "Alright, here's a problem. Write a
computer program for it and run it."
Fifteen minutes later, the dog came back with the correct
answer.
The manager still wasn't convinced. "I still can't hire
you for this position. You've got to be bilingual."
The dog looked up at the manager and said, "Meow."
"Some good news for the economy. President Bush went on a month-long vacation." Jay Leno
"Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German." -- Bill Maher, On Schwarzenegger running for Governor.
"Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country." Conan O'Brien
"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language." Conan O'Brien
"They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger." Craig Kilborn
"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger." David Letterman
"Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us." Jay Leno
"As you know, President Bush is on his 29-day vacation, which is three days longer than last year. Well, can you blame him? Have you ever been to Crawford, Texas? You can't squeeze it all in 26 days." Jay Leno
"Well, we're all excited because President Bush has started his 35-day vacation. He's down there in Crawford, Texas and on the first day of his vacation he went fishing. He didn't catch any fish but he believes they're there and that his intelligence is accurate." David Letterman
"President Bush is on a 35-day vacation, and before he left he had his annual physical and it turns out his cholesterol now is lower than his approval rating." David Letterman
"The White House released a videotape of President Bush meeting with his cabinet and today Iraqi officials say they believe the tape is authentic." Jay Leno
"The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore, so what the hell?" Jay Leno
"President Bush held his first full press conference in over five months this week. He announced that the war on terrorism is continuing, much, much more work needs to be done on the economy, and Saddam Hussein has not yet
been captured. And then he said, 'I'm going on vacation for a month.'" Jay Leno
"President Bush is leaving to go to Crawford, Texas, for a 35-day working vacation. This should go over big with all the people taking a can't-get-work vacation." David Letterman
"The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?" David Letterman
"If you add up all the time he's spent on the ranch, he's spent more time in hiding than bin Laden and Hussein put together." Bill Maher
"(President Bush) used his press conference to come out very strongly against gay marriage. And then he said on a personal note, he apologized if he had done anything to lead Tony Blair on." Bill Maher
"President Bush's economic team is now on their 'jobs and growth' bus tour all across America. I think the only job they created so far is for the guy driving the bus." Jay Leno
"President Bush has refused to declassify portions of the congressional 9/11 reports about the Saudis, because he says it will help the enemy. Not Al Qaeda, the Democrats." Jay Leno
"Finally, a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German." -- Bill Maher, On Schwarzenegger running for Governor.
"Yesterday, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he would run for governor of California. The announcement was good news for Florida residents who now live in the second flakiest state in the country." Conan O'Brien
"Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language." Conan O'Brien
"They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger." Craig Kilborn
"President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger." David Letterman
"Here's how bad California looks to the rest of the country. People in Florida are laughing at us." Jay Leno
"As you know, President Bush is on his 29-day vacation, which is three days longer than last year. Well, can you blame him? Have you ever been to Crawford, Texas? You can't squeeze it all in 26 days." Jay Leno
"Well, we're all excited because President Bush has started his 35-day vacation. He's down there in Crawford, Texas and on the first day of his vacation he went fishing. He didn't catch any fish but he believes they're there and that his intelligence is accurate." David Letterman
"President Bush is on a 35-day vacation, and before he left he had his annual physical and it turns out his cholesterol now is lower than his approval rating." David Letterman
"The White House released a videotape of President Bush meeting with his cabinet and today Iraqi officials say they believe the tape is authentic." Jay Leno
"The United States is putting together a Constitution now for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It's served us well for 200 years, and we don't appear to be using it anymore, so what the hell?" Jay Leno
"President Bush held his first full press conference in over five months this week. He announced that the war on terrorism is continuing, much, much more work needs to be done on the economy, and Saddam Hussein has not yet
been captured. And then he said, 'I'm going on vacation for a month.'" Jay Leno
"President Bush is leaving to go to Crawford, Texas, for a 35-day working vacation. This should go over big with all the people taking a can't-get-work vacation." David Letterman
"The White House says that the vacation in Texas will give President Bush the chance to unwind. My question is, when does the guy wind?" David Letterman
"If you add up all the time he's spent on the ranch, he's spent more time in hiding than bin Laden and Hussein put together." Bill Maher
"(President Bush) used his press conference to come out very strongly against gay marriage. And then he said on a personal note, he apologized if he had done anything to lead Tony Blair on." Bill Maher
"President Bush's economic team is now on their 'jobs and growth' bus tour all across America. I think the only job they created so far is for the guy driving the bus." Jay Leno
"President Bush has refused to declassify portions of the congressional 9/11 reports about the Saudis, because he says it will help the enemy. Not Al Qaeda, the Democrats." Jay Leno
A very attractive lady goes up to the bar. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, I'm not," says the man.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't." breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to nip them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."
When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, I'm not," says the man.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't." breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to nip them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say around her delicate fingers.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap or paper towels in the ladies room."
The recent emergence of Satan, the 666 moving average and 666 Fib level in the Trading forum reminded me about this story:
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has
to expand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having an affair with her, then #2 above cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze over."
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters,which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e"'s in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.
By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords containing "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!
And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!
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