Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: "
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; "
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; "
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; "
4 . And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..." God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: "
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion; "
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds; "
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much; "
4 . And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.
It isn't a joke per say but has anyone here seen coupling?
Its got to be the funniest show on TV the last 3 years. Just saw where the American version is being shunned by a couple of stations. (see below).
Anyway most of the episodes are downloadable on kaza, morephus, etc. If anyone needs a laugh worth checking out.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3131516.stm
The US version of BBC sitcom Coupling has been banned by two local stations because of its sexual content.
The stations - WNDU in South Bend, Indiana and KSL in Salt Lake City, Utah - are affiliated to national network NBC, which made the show.
NBC has remade the cult hit British comedy, about six friends, with the first episode to be shown on Thursday.
WNDU said the sexual jokes "push the envelope well beyond the boundaries of our community's standards".
The station's managers said they were "disappointed and uncomfortable" with the content.
NBC has admitted the show is "provocative" - but said the show was appropriate for national broadcast.
Its got to be the funniest show on TV the last 3 years. Just saw where the American version is being shunned by a couple of stations. (see below).
Anyway most of the episodes are downloadable on kaza, morephus, etc. If anyone needs a laugh worth checking out.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/entertainment/3131516.stm
The US version of BBC sitcom Coupling has been banned by two local stations because of its sexual content.
The stations - WNDU in South Bend, Indiana and KSL in Salt Lake City, Utah - are affiliated to national network NBC, which made the show.
NBC has remade the cult hit British comedy, about six friends, with the first episode to be shown on Thursday.
WNDU said the sexual jokes "push the envelope well beyond the boundaries of our community's standards".
The station's managers said they were "disappointed and uncomfortable" with the content.
NBC has admitted the show is "provocative" - but said the show was appropriate for national broadcast.
A guy walked into a bar, put his pet octopus on the bar and ordered a
pint.
"What's that?" Asked the Bartender, eyeing up the
aforementioned mollusc.
"That's my amazingly talented pet octopus." replied the man.
"Why? What can it do?"
"Just watch this!" said the man, and standing up he walked over to the
piano in the corner of the room and plonked down the octopus on the
stool with a wet plop! The octopus went wild, tenticles flailing it
belted out a few Jerry Lee Lewis numbers and for an encore did a
moving rendition of Toccata en Fugue.
"That's really IS an amazingly talented octopus!" said a stunned
bartender.
"Well, watch this then!" said the man, handing the octopus a guitar
that was leaning against the piano. With a couple of spare tenticles,
the octopus took up the tune on the guitar, never skipping a beat.
By this time a bit of a crowd had gathered. One bloke profferd a snare
drum and with another tenticle the octopus began percussing.
A Scotsman meanwhile had run to his car and had brought back a set of
bag pipes. "Can he play these as well?" he asked.
"Dunno!" replied his owner and handed the octopus the pipes.
The octopus stopped in mid-tune, threw all the other instruments aside,
grappled the bagpipes to the floor and began to tear them to bits,
pieces of tartan were flying everywhere.
His owner grabbed him by the neck and yelled, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING ??!!??"
"What does it look like I'm doing?",replied the octopus, "I'm trying to
get the fancy pants off this bitch!!"
pint.
"What's that?" Asked the Bartender, eyeing up the
aforementioned mollusc.
"That's my amazingly talented pet octopus." replied the man.
"Why? What can it do?"
"Just watch this!" said the man, and standing up he walked over to the
piano in the corner of the room and plonked down the octopus on the
stool with a wet plop! The octopus went wild, tenticles flailing it
belted out a few Jerry Lee Lewis numbers and for an encore did a
moving rendition of Toccata en Fugue.
"That's really IS an amazingly talented octopus!" said a stunned
bartender.
"Well, watch this then!" said the man, handing the octopus a guitar
that was leaning against the piano. With a couple of spare tenticles,
the octopus took up the tune on the guitar, never skipping a beat.
By this time a bit of a crowd had gathered. One bloke profferd a snare
drum and with another tenticle the octopus began percussing.
A Scotsman meanwhile had run to his car and had brought back a set of
bag pipes. "Can he play these as well?" he asked.
"Dunno!" replied his owner and handed the octopus the pipes.
The octopus stopped in mid-tune, threw all the other instruments aside,
grappled the bagpipes to the floor and began to tear them to bits,
pieces of tartan were flying everywhere.
His owner grabbed him by the neck and yelled, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU
DOING ??!!??"
"What does it look like I'm doing?",replied the octopus, "I'm trying to
get the fancy pants off this bitch!!"
"He can compress the most words into the smallest
idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But, this
wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -
Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting
from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker
forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame
them."- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she
always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope
without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice
letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept
the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,
whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by
his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-
posts ... for support rather than illumination." -
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But, this
wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." -
Robert Redford
"They never open their mouths without subtracting
from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He inherited some good instincts from his Quaker
forebears, but by diligent hard work, he overcame
them."- James Reston (about Richard Nixon)
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she
always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."
- Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope
without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice
letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept
the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others,
whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by
his friends." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-
posts ... for support rather than illumination." -
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you!" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you!" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies. And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
The lady replied, "Its my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"
NEVER SAY TO A COP
> >
> > 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
> >
> > 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
> >
>
> > 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
> >
> > 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
> >
> > 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
> >
> > 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
>police officer.
> >
> > 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
> >
> > 8. I pay your salary!
> >
> > 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
>too!
> >
> > 10. Do you know why you pulled me over?
> Okay, just so one of us does.
> >
> > 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
> > cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
> >
> > 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
> >
> > drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look
>glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
> >
> >
> > 1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
> >
> > 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
> >
>
> > 3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
> >
> > 4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
> >
> > 5. Are You Andy or Barney?
> >
> > 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a
>police officer.
> >
> > 7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
> >
> > 8. I pay your salary!
> >
> > 9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning,
>too!
> >
> > 10. Do you know why you pulled me over?
> Okay, just so one of us does.
> >
> > 11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
> > cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
> >
> > 12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been
> >
> > drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look
>glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
> >
A Priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him First Communion and Confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed,
"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to READ to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled DOWN one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as GENTLE as a LAMB. We spent the rest of the week in FELLOWSHIP, feasting on God's HOLY WORD, and praising Jesus." !
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad, bad shape.
The Rabbi looks up sadly, shakes his head slowly from right to left a few times and says, "Oyvey, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy devils!"
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him First Communion and Confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed,
"WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle...WE DUNK! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to READ to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted NOTHING to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled DOWN one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as GENTLE as a LAMB. We spent the rest of the week in FELLOWSHIP, feasting on God's HOLY WORD, and praising Jesus." !
They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad, bad shape.
The Rabbi looks up sadly, shakes his head slowly from right to left a few times and says, "Oyvey, You fellows don't know what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy devils!"
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