Jokes

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This fellow had accidently cut off part of his penis. (Don't ask me how). He put it in his pocket and went to the Doctors to have it sewn back on.

When he explained the situation to the Doctor, the Doctor said, no problem let me have it and I'll sew it back on.

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a cigar. He looked at it and said "OMFG I smoked my dick"
 
Quote from nutmeg:

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her left breast hanging out.
A cop spotted her and walked up to her and said, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"
"But why, Officer?" she asked.
"Well ma'am, because your left breast is hanging out of your blouse," he replied.
She quickly looked down and exclaimed, "Oh my God, I left the baby on the bus!"
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Which brings to mind the old favorite;

As that woman got on that bus, the driver said, "My God, that is the ugliest baby I have EVER seen."

She stormed down the isle with that kill look, and sat in the back seat. The fellow next to her, being polite, asked if she was ok.

"That driver, that, that driver said I had the ugliest baby he'd ever seen."

"Why that's terrible", said the Samaratan. "You shouldn't stand for that insult. Here. I'll hold your monkey, you go tell him off."
 
Abstinence

A woman tells her boyfriend, "You know I am saving myself until we are married!"

He begs her, "How about I just put the head in for a while? Just let me marinate the head a little."

She reluctantly agrees, if it's only the head. So he proceeds to put the head in and that's all he does, for about 30 seconds. But then he gets carried away and puts it in entirely, pumping with deep thrusts.

After a few minutes, she moans and says, "I know we have this deal that you are only putting the head in, but... this feels really good, so go ahead and give it all to me!"

Without thinking, he quickly responds, "No, a deal's a deal."
:eek: :confused:
 
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

:) :p
 
Quote from Bubble:

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

:) :p
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I think I got a bad case of deja-vu
 
THE HORTH WITHPERER

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and
shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that; can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
 
Quote from TL Trader:

THE HORTH WITHPERER

Bob calls his buddy Sam, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.
Sam asks "How will I recognize him?"
That's easy, he's a midget with a speech impediment."
So, the midget shows up, and Sam asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
Sam picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and
shows him the horse's ears.
"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?
The rancher is gettin' pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that; can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
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If you had a radio show with a tv simulcast, you don't anymore. Great, great joke, thanks.
 
Quote from Optionspoet:

I think I got a bad case of deja-vu
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So we repeat a couple. Don't let it bother you. It's always good to be reminded of an old friend. I think I've repeated a couple.

Have you guys seen the views this thread gets? What a bunch of pervs out there!

Pervs..... the punchline was, "I told you I was sick." A classic.
 
Fair enough...I'll make my contribution and open it up with some yo mama lines:



Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Yo mamma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off her...

Yo mama so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!

Yo mama so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "okay!"

Yo mama so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway

Yo mama so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller

Yo mama so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th

Yo mama so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.

Yo mama so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!

Yo mama so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago...
 
my ex wife is so fat, when she jumps in the air, she gets stuck.

she butters aspirin.

When she dances, the band skips.

She doesn't dive into the pool, she just walks out on the board, and lowers herself in.

(actually, she's blond with big tits, but that's not funny. Either was the divorce.)
 
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