None taken. Hah... weird, wild stuff! Just like Jay Leno's weekly "Jaywalking" segments of yore (back when I was still watching TV). The "secret" is simple: look for, um, promising subjects on the street, edit out 95%++ of raw footage and keep just the most priceless bits. Can be pulled off in any nation.
Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
- Start date
- Status
None taken. Hah... weird, wild stuff! Just like Jay Leno's weekly "Jaywalking" segments of yore (back when I was still watching TV). The "secret" is simple: look for, um, promising subjects on the street, edit out 95%++ of raw footage and keep just the most priceless bits. Can be pulled off in any nation.
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is ... an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
they're probably all very, very happy people. I wish I didn't know half the crap I know. It keeps me up at night.
It's all one big blonde joke. Like, how do you take 12 blondes, and turn them into 12 brunettes?
Turn 'em upside down.
It's still the joke thread. had to sneak one in.......
Difference between a woman's track team, and a pygmy tribe?
One is a cunning bunch of runts. ba da boom.
Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It's called the "Child Support Ken"?
It can't be found.
**
<
O
It can't be found.
**
<
O
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual a bout my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied,
"Cause you're fucking ugly."
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.
As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual a bout my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied,
"Cause you're fucking ugly."
A penguin is driving down a country road on a hot summer day when his car starts to overheat. He makes it to a town before the car quits and finds a garage in short order.
"How long will it take to fix?" he asks the mechanic.
"Give me a half hour and I'll see what I can do." replies the mechanic.
"Is there someplace where I can get an ice cold drink?" he inquires.
"The only thing in town is a grocery on the next block." answers the mechanic.
"I'll be back at 3:30 then." says the penguin.
The penguin strolls down the sidewalk and sure enough comes to the grocery. As he passes through the front door he spots a cooler in the back of the store, but before he gets to the drinks he stops dead in his tracks at the ice cream. Now, for those of you who don't know it, penguins love ice cream.
The penguin opens the freezer door and pulls out a gallon of ice cream. He can't help himself and devours the whole gallon. Like all of us he becomes sleepy after eating so much and falls fast asleep right in front of the freezer.
An hour passes and the penguin is awakened by a boxboy shaking him by the shoulder.
"Wake up mister!" exclaims the boxboy.
"Oh my, what time is it?" cries the penguin.
"It's four o'clock." replies the boxboy.
"I'm late!" and off he runs for the garage.
He arrives just in time to see the old mechanic wiping his hands in a rag as he closes the hood of the penguin's car.
"Well, looks like you blew a seal." says the mechanic.
The penguin smiles and shakes his head,"Oh no that's just ice cream."
"How long will it take to fix?" he asks the mechanic.
"Give me a half hour and I'll see what I can do." replies the mechanic.
"Is there someplace where I can get an ice cold drink?" he inquires.
"The only thing in town is a grocery on the next block." answers the mechanic.
"I'll be back at 3:30 then." says the penguin.
The penguin strolls down the sidewalk and sure enough comes to the grocery. As he passes through the front door he spots a cooler in the back of the store, but before he gets to the drinks he stops dead in his tracks at the ice cream. Now, for those of you who don't know it, penguins love ice cream.
The penguin opens the freezer door and pulls out a gallon of ice cream. He can't help himself and devours the whole gallon. Like all of us he becomes sleepy after eating so much and falls fast asleep right in front of the freezer.
An hour passes and the penguin is awakened by a boxboy shaking him by the shoulder.
"Wake up mister!" exclaims the boxboy.
"Oh my, what time is it?" cries the penguin.
"It's four o'clock." replies the boxboy.
"I'm late!" and off he runs for the garage.
He arrives just in time to see the old mechanic wiping his hands in a rag as he closes the hood of the penguin's car.
"Well, looks like you blew a seal." says the mechanic.
The penguin smiles and shakes his head,"Oh no that's just ice cream."
from stevehgraham.com on what Alec Baldwin said about earth day.
Hey, earth! I wanna tell you something, okay? And I want to leave a message for you right now, âcause again itâs 10:30 here in Miami on a Saturday and once again Iâve made an ASS of myself trying to get a waiter to bring me a tray of stir-fried panda fritters in penguin sauce at a specific time.
When the time comes for me to have a nice bowl of sweet and sour spotted owl, I stop whatever Iâm doing and I go and I make that phone call at 11 oâclock in the morning to the local Chinese joint, and, if they donât pick up the phone, at 10 oâclock at night, to order sperm whale fried rice, and they donât even have the [expletive deleted] phone turned on, because itâs Earth Day, and theyâre immigrants, and theyâre afraid if they turn on the phone, theyâll be sent to Guantanamo by Al Gore and those two nerds from Google.
I want you to know something, okay? Iâm tired of playing this game with you. Iâm leaving this message with you to tell you, you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You donât have the brains or the decency as a planetâ¦I donât give a damn that youâre a thousand years old or a billion years old or that youâre an inanimate object who canât even hear me as I slurp this tasty spoonful of snail-darter gazpacho.
You have humiliated me for the last time with this lame holiday, when I canât even mow down a whooping crane with my limo, use its blood as hair gel, cook it with nuclear power, eat half of it, and fire the rest at a bum with a potato gun. So you better be ready Friday the 28th to meet with me so I can let you know just how I feel about what a rotten little planet you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little planet, okay? And Saturn is prettier.
Hey, earth! I wanna tell you something, okay? And I want to leave a message for you right now, âcause again itâs 10:30 here in Miami on a Saturday and once again Iâve made an ASS of myself trying to get a waiter to bring me a tray of stir-fried panda fritters in penguin sauce at a specific time.
When the time comes for me to have a nice bowl of sweet and sour spotted owl, I stop whatever Iâm doing and I go and I make that phone call at 11 oâclock in the morning to the local Chinese joint, and, if they donât pick up the phone, at 10 oâclock at night, to order sperm whale fried rice, and they donât even have the [expletive deleted] phone turned on, because itâs Earth Day, and theyâre immigrants, and theyâre afraid if they turn on the phone, theyâll be sent to Guantanamo by Al Gore and those two nerds from Google.
I want you to know something, okay? Iâm tired of playing this game with you. Iâm leaving this message with you to tell you, you have insulted me for the last time. You have insulted me. You donât have the brains or the decency as a planetâ¦I donât give a damn that youâre a thousand years old or a billion years old or that youâre an inanimate object who canât even hear me as I slurp this tasty spoonful of snail-darter gazpacho.
You have humiliated me for the last time with this lame holiday, when I canât even mow down a whooping crane with my limo, use its blood as hair gel, cook it with nuclear power, eat half of it, and fire the rest at a bum with a potato gun. So you better be ready Friday the 28th to meet with me so I can let you know just how I feel about what a rotten little planet you really are. You are a rude, thoughtless little planet, okay? And Saturn is prettier.
- Status