Jokes

Status
Not open for further replies.
lol. thanks!

Quote from CaptainObvious:

Subject: 1 week at the gym

WEEK AT THE GYM: ONE MAN'S STORY

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with
you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular
workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in
great shape since playing football 20 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good
idea to go ahead and give it a try. Called the club and made my reservation
with a personal trainer named Vanessa, who identified herself as a 24 yr old
aerobics instructor and Model for athletic clothing and swimwear. My wife
seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to
keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Vanessa waiting for me.
She was something of a Greek goddess with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a
dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!! Vanessa gave me a tour and showed me the
machines. She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was
alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to
her in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in
which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very
inspiring, Vanessa was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was
already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the
door. Vanessa made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
and then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Vanessa's rewarding smile made it all
worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.
WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush
on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Vanessa was
impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.
Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she
scolds, she has this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts
when I got on the treadmill, so Vanessa put me on the stair monster. Why the
hell would anyone invent a machine to stimulate an activity rendered
obsolete by elevators? Vanessa told me it wo! uld help me get in shape and
enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
THURSDAY: Vanessa was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Vanessa took me
to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the
men's room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the
rowing machine -- which I sank.
FRIDAY: I hate that bitch Vanessa more than any human being has ever hated
any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
little cheerleader. If there were a part of my body I could move without
unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Vanessa wanted me to work on my
triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor,
don't hand me the F*C**NG Barbells or anything that weighs more than a
sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or
the choir director?
SATURDAY: Vanessa left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing, her made
me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength
to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the
Weather Channel.
SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go
and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year, my
wife (the bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal
or a vasectomy.
More...
 
In the spirit of political correctness be advised to be particularly sensitive to comments with regard to the following groups:

For instance---She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER.

She is not a "DUMB BLOND" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

She is not "EASY"- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

and of course;

He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
 
Richard Jeni committed suicide. I am just heartbroken; I haven't felt like this since John Lennon was killed.

I thought about a new thread, but he belongs here. I probably saw him in person 10 times, and he was the best since Pryor. do yourself a favor, and hit some of his vid links. Post your favs here.

Sorry for the comedown. I feel so badly he was tormented.

On dating, "At least Charles Manson has the decency to look crazy from the moment you meet him."


On America's "A Horse With No Name"), "You're in the desert, you got nothing else to do. NAME THE FREAKIN' HORSE!"

"The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?"

On religious wars, "You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
 
Redneck Pickup Lines


1) Did you fart?
cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded?
cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ...
I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card?
cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants?
cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you in I were Squirrels,
I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here,
but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"
Woman - "WHAT?"
Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone,
but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't fi nd my puppy, can you help me find him?
I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,
we kin sleep til afternoon.

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,
every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.
 
"Plans to link Europe to Africa via a tunnel are gathering pace." BBC News.

_42671167_crane203.jpg
 
A man was sleeping in late on sunday morning and when his wife tried to get him up, he said "I don't want to go to church this morning."

His wife said, "why not"?

He said, "I don't like those people and they don't like me. I'm not going."

She said, "you've gotta go."

He said "give me three good reasons."

She said," first, you know it's the right thing to do. Second, you've been going ever since you were a child. And thirdly, you are the pastor!"
 
A man had been stranded on a desert isle all by himself for ten years and was finally found by a passing ship. The rescuers looked around and saw that he had built some huts on the island and asked him about them.

The man who had been found said, "that first hut over there is where I lived. The second hut is my church. That's where I went to worship."

The rescuers said, "well, what is that third hut over there?"

The man said, "oh, that's my old church, the one I went to before I got mad and left and went to my new church."
 
HEALTH ISSUES EXPLAINED
(Research done a few years ago by the AARP Legal Department)

Q . What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.

Q . I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a nearby third world country with excellent beaches.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q . My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A . You really shouldn't do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?
A . Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.

Q . Will health care be different in the next decade?
A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies , your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING !!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! If you want to get in-shape, don't forget that 'round' is a fine shape too!!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about medical insurance, food and diets. :) :) :)
 
How to properly place new employees


1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.

2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.

3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.

4. Then analyze the situation:
a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them
in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations, they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Management.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.
m. Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Congress.
 
LITTLE VITO ON GRAMMAR

Little Vito was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"

The teacher replied, "Now, VITO, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you
to go."

Little Vito, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"

LITTLE VITO ON MORE GRAMMAR

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice correctly.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress, and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet, and it turned out beautiful."

She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on Little Vito. He said, "Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, "Beautiful, just fucking
beautiful!"

LITTLE VITO ON GETTING OLDER

Little Vito was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said to him, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Vito replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little Vito answered, "No. He minded his own fucking business... . "
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top