Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
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There's a new Jewish game show coming on PBS.
The Price is Too Much
Polish Lesbian? She loves men.
Rosie O'donnell drowned. Found her face down in Rikki Lake.
Jenna Bush was visiting Walter Reed (you know this is a joke.). Asks a young trooper where he was shot. The kid says, "right in the balls." The entourage rushes her away, the General chews his ass. "well, sir, what should I have said.?" "Anything but that. Tell her you were hit in the back, the leg, anything but what you said."
Jenna comes back in six months(now, you REALLY know this is a joke.) She sees the same trooper by coincidence. Before she can say anything, he says, "I was shot in the back."
"Oh, my," says the Bush twin. " But are your balls healing?"
Two gay guys are talking, when one mentioned he'd been circumcised. "Can I see, Can I see?" asks the friend. "Oh course, says the patient, dropping trou.
"Oooh, squealed his pal." you look ten years younger."
I think I insulted just about everyone. Later.
The Price is Too Much
Polish Lesbian? She loves men.
Rosie O'donnell drowned. Found her face down in Rikki Lake.
Jenna Bush was visiting Walter Reed (you know this is a joke.). Asks a young trooper where he was shot. The kid says, "right in the balls." The entourage rushes her away, the General chews his ass. "well, sir, what should I have said.?" "Anything but that. Tell her you were hit in the back, the leg, anything but what you said."
Jenna comes back in six months(now, you REALLY know this is a joke.) She sees the same trooper by coincidence. Before she can say anything, he says, "I was shot in the back."
"Oh, my," says the Bush twin. " But are your balls healing?"
Two gay guys are talking, when one mentioned he'd been circumcised. "Can I see, Can I see?" asks the friend. "Oh course, says the patient, dropping trou.
"Oooh, squealed his pal." you look ten years younger."
I think I insulted just about everyone. Later.
Eight Words with two Meanings: Men's/Women's
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding, sometimes done while drinking beer.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing by-product of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding, sometimes done while drinking beer.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
INTERESTING STATISTIC... OR WHAT!!
Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic:
There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers per month.
The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons per month for the same period.
That means that you are about 33% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington, right?
Regardless of where you stand on the issue of the U.S. involvement in Iraq, here's a sobering statistic:
There has been a monthly average of 160,000 troops in the Iraq theatre of operations during the last 22 months, and a total of 2,112 deaths. That gives a firearm death rate of 60 per 100,000 soldiers per month.
The firearm death rate in Washington D.C. is 80.6 per 100,000 persons per month for the same period.
That means that you are about 33% more likely to be shot and killed in the U.S. Capital than you are in Iraq.
Conclusion: The U.S. should pull out of Washington, right?
How about Washington DC pull out of the US. We'd be far better off without them.
How about Geo 41 pulling out of Barbara 61 years ago.
I know I've used that before, but it's good.
Remember what a great Prez Carter was? Me either. Anyway, the bit at the time was :
What does Jimmy Carter and the Long Island RR have in common?
They both pull out of Roslynn at 5:15 every morning.
Oh, and the sexretary, Elizabeth Ray that couldn't type. She worked for some schlep in Congress.
That one, circa 1975:
Only half the secretaries in Washington can type. The rest are huntinpeckers.
Late 80's, scandals on Wall St with Boesky, Levin, Milken????
"The Italians sing in Operas, the Irish sing in bars. But the Jews sing at the SEC."
Lastly, ......jeez, I wish I could remember what day the garbage goes out., Nixon was screwing everything up, and in some half hearted effort to support equity prices, said, "If I weren't President, I'd buy stocks."
Some Wag on Broad and Wall countered with, "if he wasn't President, I'd buy stocks too."
Any old timers got any other classics?
I know I've used that before, but it's good.
Remember what a great Prez Carter was? Me either. Anyway, the bit at the time was :
What does Jimmy Carter and the Long Island RR have in common?
They both pull out of Roslynn at 5:15 every morning.
Oh, and the sexretary, Elizabeth Ray that couldn't type. She worked for some schlep in Congress.
That one, circa 1975:
Only half the secretaries in Washington can type. The rest are huntinpeckers.
Late 80's, scandals on Wall St with Boesky, Levin, Milken????
"The Italians sing in Operas, the Irish sing in bars. But the Jews sing at the SEC."
Lastly, ......jeez, I wish I could remember what day the garbage goes out., Nixon was screwing everything up, and in some half hearted effort to support equity prices, said, "If I weren't President, I'd buy stocks."
Some Wag on Broad and Wall countered with, "if he wasn't President, I'd buy stocks too."
Any old timers got any other classics?
When I was married 28 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 28 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot, 20-year-old brunette.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 20-year-old brunette, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
"Honey, 28 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep
every night with a hot, 20-year-old brunette.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot, 20-year-old brunette, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crisis.
This reminds me of a story my dad told me, he used to be a defense lawyer. This case has been released to the public so i am not violating anyones rights.
There was a native american woman who was on the stand charging someone who had raped her, the judge who was running the case is notorious for being a hard ass. The native woman was extremely timid.
So the question comes to her, "well exactly what did happen that night?"
the native woman responds and says "well the man in question john doe, took me beside a car and he ripped off my panties and stuck his cock in me"
the judge threw down his glasses at this point and said
"excuse me but i will not tolerate that kind of language, in my courtroom, you will not use the word COCK, you will call it by the correct name, you will call it a penis."
and the lawyer asks her to proceed, she says
"well he ripped off my clothes, and took his, his p... penis out and tried to stick it in my.... my...."
the woman then paused turned to the judge and asked
"in your courtroom what do you call a cunt?"
i guess they had to call a recess because everyone in the courthouse lost it laughing.
its pretty funny if you have someone telling it to you in the right accent, any time you get a chance to sit by a lawyer at a party take them up on it, ive heard some hilarious stories from my dad and his friends while they were practicing law.
A guy went to use the out house, when he opened the door he saw his friend Stosh poking around down in the hole with a stick.
"What the hell you doing?" he said. Stosh replied, "I'm trying to get my coat, it fell in the hole."
"Well, its not any good now!"
"Yeah, I know that but my sandwich was in the pocket".
"What the hell you doing?" he said. Stosh replied, "I'm trying to get my coat, it fell in the hole."
"Well, its not any good now!"
"Yeah, I know that but my sandwich was in the pocket".
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