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To my darling husband,

Before you return from your trip I just wanted to let you know about the small accident that I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.



I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you..

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again


Your loving wife.
XXX





P.S. Your girlfriend called.
 
Subject: A geography lesson for the ages...


Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half
discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with
fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well
developed and open to trade, especially for someone
with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot,
relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France , gently
aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain ,
with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia , lost
some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past
mistakes, still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia , very wide
and borders are now largely un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Off the beaten path,
with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the
ages...still desirable but only those with an
adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual
knowledge and true love dare visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran - ruled by a
dick.
 
THE BEST COMEBACK LINE EVER!

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day
and you'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns
and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love
this!!!! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a
portion of National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female
broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a
Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to
teach these young boys when they visit your base?


GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery,
and shooting.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?


GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?


GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle
discipline before they even touch a firearm.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.


GENERAL REINWALD: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?


The radio went silent and the interview ended.


You gotta love the Marines!
 
More Fun In The Air

1. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, and, especially, your money, more than Southwest Airlines!"

2. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with you with our compliments."

3. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children, in-laws or spouses!"

4. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the First Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate...

5. And from the pilot came this witty retort: "American Airlines is pleased to have some of the most capable, soft spoken, intelligent, caring and best-looking flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them could be on this flight!"

:) :) :)
 
Ahh, To Be Young And Stupid Again...

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough.
"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something loud, stupid and digusting in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that YOU won't be able to wheel back."
"OK, old man," the young man replied. "You're on. Let's see what you've got."
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right you silly boy. Get in!"

:) :) :)
 
Quote from TL Trader:

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your trip I just wanted to let you know about the small accident that I had with the pickup truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately it's not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you..

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again

Your loving wife.
XXX

P.S. Your girlfriend called.
More...

The picture was missing.
 

Attachments

For the women readers ----

For those of you who are married, were married, or are contemplating marriage - under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage. Southwest Tech is offering a new 2 year associates degree....

TWO YEAR DEGREE: Becoming a Real Man. That's right, in just six mini-semesters, you, too, can be a real man as well as earn an associates degree in MA (Male Arts).

Please take a moment to look over the program outline.

FIRST YEAR

Autumn Schedule :

MEN 101 Combating Stupidity
MEN 102 You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103 PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104 We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas

Winter Schedule:

MEN 110 Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111 Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 2AM
MEN 112 Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100 Get a Life, Learn to Cook
EAT 101 Get a Life, Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A What's Hers is Hers

Spring Schedule:

MEN 120 How NOT to Act Like a Buttface When You're Wrong
MEN 121 Understanding Your Incompetence
MEN 122 YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123 Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C What Was Yours is Hers

SECOND YEAR

Autumn Schedule:

SEX 101 You CAN Fall Asleep without It
SEX 102 Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower
SEX 103 How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201 How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

Elective (See Electives Below)

Winter Schedule:

MEN 210 The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
MEN 211 How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
MEN 212 You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
MEN 213 Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
MEN 230A Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

Spring Schedule:

MEN 220 Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
MEN 221 Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
MEN 222 Real Men Ask for Directions
MEN 223 Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
MEN 230B Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

Course Electives:

EAT 101 Cooking with Tofu
EAT 102 Utilization of Eating Utensils
EAT 103 Burping and Belching Discreetly
MEN 232 Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233 Just Say "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C Cheaper to Keep Her

Just a thought for all the women out there...-
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause, GUYnocologist (poetic spelling)

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
 
500 point dip, and the joke thread dries up???? Pussies.....or is it pussys? If there is one more than one puss.... oh. that's an orgy. Anyway.......

So, the losing Hedge Fund manager is on his way to the office, when he's sideswiped by a drunk driver. He's trapped in a flaming wreck as the jaws of life come to cut him out. He dies a long, horrible death.

Joe Client calls the office that afternoon looking for Mr. Amaranth. "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Client, but Mr. Amaranth was killed this morning on I-87 in a horrible accident. He actually, and I'm sorry to have to tell you this, he actually burned to death before they got to him." "Really", is all Joe would say.

Next day, Joe calls for Mr. Amaranth again. Gets a different assistant. This goes on for several days. He hears the story over and over again, until one day, another partner grabs the phone. "Listen, you sick bastard. You call here everyday asking for my dear friend, and every day, you hear what a horrible accident there was and the grotesque way our friend died. Everyday!!! Why????? Tell me why!!!"

"I just like hearin' it."
 
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