Jokes

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With all the debate raging over gas prices and ILLEGAL immigrants. Whether to BOYCOTT oil companies or not; whether to provide amnesty to ILLEGAL immigrants or not.

And since I have become jaded to various solutions proposed by the Republicans, Democrats, Sierra Club, and
ACLU...I have elected to solve the problems of both high gas prices and illegal immigration on my own.

I have hired illegal immigrants to push my car. They are plentiful and cheaper than buying gas. Then I pay
them in Pesos, so they have to go home to spend it.
 
Some Good Quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity. (Albert Einstein)

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you meet a beautiful girl. (Uzair Sait)

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. (Franklin P. Jones)

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like? (Jean Cocturan)

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. (Darrin Weinberg)

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Dont worry that the world ends today, its already tomorrow in Australia!

:) :) :)
 
Subject: The Loving Husband
>

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to
Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker
told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can
bury her here, in the Holy Land , for $150." The man thought about it and
told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship
your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would
spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here,
and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that
chance."
 
Did you hear what the post office found when it investigated that the king georgie boy stamps were falling off the envelopes?

People were spitting on the wrong side. :D
 
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
 
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