Did you hear about Jimmy Carter's oil plan?
He wanted to trade peanuts for oil. That way, if OPEC cuts off the oil we cut off their nuts!
He wanted to trade peanuts for oil. That way, if OPEC cuts off the oil we cut off their nuts!
Jokes
- Thread starter dgabriel
- Start date
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Epensive Brothel:
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
"May I help you?" she asked.
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $5,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $5,000.
Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "South Carolina."
"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."
"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
Obvious Religious Observations:
During these serious times people of all faiths should remember these 4 religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
During these serious times people of all faiths should remember these 4 religious truths:
1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people
2. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah
3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.
4. Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.
Cajun Newlyweds:
Boudreaux fell in love with Marie and asked her to marry him. Now, Marie
was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Boudreaux was a poor fisherman and could not afford to take time off for a
honeymoon. So, that night that they were married, they retired to his
little shack on the bayou.
When Boudreaux was undressing, Marie said, "Oh Boudreaux, what dat is?"
Boudreaux being very quick thinking and sensitive to Marie's naivety said,
"Marie, my love, I am the only man in the world wit one of these."
And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for,.... and Marie was happy!
The next morning Boudreaux went off to fish as usual. When he returned home
that evening, Marie was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Boudreaux, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one
of those, and I saw Thibodeaux, our friend changing his clothes behind the
fish shed, and he had one, too."
Thinking fast, Boudreaux said, "Oh, Marie, darling,, Thibodeaux is my very
best friend. I had two of dem things, so I gave him one. He is the only
other man in the world with one of dosz."
Marie being very very naive , accepted his answer and they did their thing
again that night.
Boudreaux went off to fish again, the next morning, and when he returned
home, Marie was very upset, and stamping her foot on the porch.
Boudreaux said, "Marie, what is the matter now?"
"Boudreaux, you gave Thibodeaux the best one!!"
Boudreaux fell in love with Marie and asked her to marry him. Now, Marie
was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Boudreaux was a poor fisherman and could not afford to take time off for a
honeymoon. So, that night that they were married, they retired to his
little shack on the bayou.
When Boudreaux was undressing, Marie said, "Oh Boudreaux, what dat is?"
Boudreaux being very quick thinking and sensitive to Marie's naivety said,
"Marie, my love, I am the only man in the world wit one of these."
And, then, he proceeded to show her what it was for,.... and Marie was happy!
The next morning Boudreaux went off to fish as usual. When he returned home
that evening, Marie was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Boudreaux, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one
of those, and I saw Thibodeaux, our friend changing his clothes behind the
fish shed, and he had one, too."
Thinking fast, Boudreaux said, "Oh, Marie, darling,, Thibodeaux is my very
best friend. I had two of dem things, so I gave him one. He is the only
other man in the world with one of dosz."
Marie being very very naive , accepted his answer and they did their thing
again that night.
Boudreaux went off to fish again, the next morning, and when he returned
home, Marie was very upset, and stamping her foot on the porch.
Boudreaux said, "Marie, what is the matter now?"
"Boudreaux, you gave Thibodeaux the best one!!"
That Corporate Attitude
A corporate VP lost his job. After a long search, having found nothing to his liking, was forced to apply for a job as a prison guard.
At his interview, the warden said, âNow these are real tough guys in here.â Are you sure that you can handle it?â
âNo problem,â the applicant replied, âI have a lot of experience in managing people with an iron fist. If they donât behave exactly the way I tell them to, out they go, that very moment!â
A corporate VP lost his job. After a long search, having found nothing to his liking, was forced to apply for a job as a prison guard.
At his interview, the warden said, âNow these are real tough guys in here.â Are you sure that you can handle it?â
âNo problem,â the applicant replied, âI have a lot of experience in managing people with an iron fist. If they donât behave exactly the way I tell them to, out they go, that very moment!â
The Talking Clock
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot.. it's three-fifteen in the morning!"
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You idiot.. it's three-fifteen in the morning!"
Tough Bargaining
A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"$85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"$85! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to $40"
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you $5, but it's going to be very traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman." "Can ye confirm an appointment for my mother in law next Tuesday then?"
A Scotsman phones a dentist to inquire about the cost for a tooth extraction.
"$85 for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.
"$85! Huv ye no' got anythin' cheaper?"
"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.
"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anesthetic?"
"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and knock $15 off."
"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without an anesthetic?"
"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop to $40"
"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction, with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"
It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you $5, but it's going to be very traumatic."
"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman." "Can ye confirm an appointment for my mother in law next Tuesday then?"
Excellent, Realistic Marketing!
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
(Btw, I don't buy toilet paper there any more...)
The new Supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is a scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.
(Btw, I don't buy toilet paper there any more...)
NEW WORDS: Essential additions to the workplace vocabulary.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
PRAIRIE DOGGING: W hen someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage). What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Enter tainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisi ons.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.
BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles
PRAIRIE DOGGING: W hen someone yells or drops something loudly in a Cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
SITCOMS: (Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage). What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT: Enter tainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example.
PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.
GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisi ons.
OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously farting while passing through a Cube Farm.
Men strike back! ! ! ! ! ! !
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller f eet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------------------------------------ -------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------- ------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
--- ----------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller f eet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
------------------------------------ -------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
------------------------- ------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
--- ----------------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
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