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Subject: Philosophy of life.......?????

When I was 14, I expected some day to have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I had a girlfriend, but there was no passion.

Then I decided that I needed a passionate woman, with desires to live.

In college I dated a very passionate woman, but she was too emotional. Everything was terrible, she was the queen of dramas, she cried all the
time and threatened to kill herself.

Then I decided that I needed a stable woman.

When I was 25 years old I found a very stable, but boring woman.
She was totally predictable and nothing ever excited her. Life was so dull that I decided that I needed a more exciting woman.

When I was 28 I found a very exciting woman, but I could not follow her rhythm.

She went from one side to another without ever stopping to do anything. She was impetuous and flirted with anybody she would cross. I was equally as miserable and as happy. For starters it was amazing and energizing, but without future.

Then I decided to seek a woman with some ambition.

When it arrived at the age of 31, I found an ambitious, intelligent
girl, with her feet on the ground. I decided to marry her. She was so ambitious she asked me for a divorce and kept everything I owned.

Now, that I am 40, I like women with large breasts. Period.
 
Hunting with Dick Cheney

Some quick one-liners now that Cheney shot his hunting companion.... soon to appear on late night TV.

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060213/ap_on_go_pr_wh/cheney_hunting_accident


Cheney shot a Lawyer, he's now the most popular guy in the US, his poll numbers just went threw the roof.

Hunting with Dick Cheney; still safer then driving with a Kennedy, skiing with a Kennedy, playing golf with a Kennedy or flying with a Kennedy.

Imagine if he had hit Dan Quayle.

Guess the NRA will now have to change it's slogan. "Guns don't shoot people, Cheney Does!"

And I always thought he was such a straight shooter.

Ancient Proverb: He who hunts with an impatient man must get the lead out.

First Rule of Political Donations: Don't Blast the Hand that Feeds You.

If this guy was truly healthy, there's no knowing what he would be able to accomplish. He already shot a Lawyer, we should all send him a list and we can take up a lottery for it. I'm in for $5.

I wonder who's next. I can think of a couple Lobbyists that could use a good "Hunting Accident".

Lead, follow, or get out of the way

Something went terribly wrong: the second barrel misfired.

Cheney brings new meaning to charges that we were "lead astray".
 
A priest and a rabbi are seated together on a plane. After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion, I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich." The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. Later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?" The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The rabbi nodded understandingly. He was silent for about five minutes, and then he said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"
 
Why Men Have Better Friends

Women's Friends:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.

The husband called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew what she was talking about.

Men's Friends:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The wife called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed he was still there.

:eek:
 
"Late Show with David Letterman," CBS:
* "Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of mass
destruction: It's Dick Cheney."
* "But here is the sad part - before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had denied
the guy's request for body armor."
* "We can't get Bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney."
* "The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big
Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads of
laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet."
__
"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno," NBC:
* "Although it is beautiful here in California, the weather back East has
been atrocious. There was so much snow in Washington, D.C., Dick Cheney
accidentally shot a fat guy thinking it was a polar bear.
* "That's the big story over the weekend. ... Dick Cheney accidentally shot
a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer. In fact, when people found out he
shot a lawyer, his popularity is now at 92 percent."
* "I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he
screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'"
* "Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new
Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck!"
___
"The Daily Show with Jon Stewart," Comedy Central:
* "Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail hunt
... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot by a sitting
veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, (was) shot in a duel
with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and political maneuvering.
Whittington? Mistaken for a bird."
* "Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also
raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ... moms,
dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this enough: Do not
let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice president. I don't care
what kind of lucrative contracts they're trying to land, or energy
regulations they're trying to get lifted - it's just not worth it."
___
"Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson," CBS:
* "He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can
use his other face. He'll be all right."
* "You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because if
you're out hunting with a politician, you think, 'If I'm going to get it,
it's going to be in the back.' "
* "The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for 18
hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased about that.
Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can keep."
"Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away is
they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them in the
past."
 
Seeing Eye Dogs

There were two buddies, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman Pinscher says to his friend, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The buddy with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead."
They walk over to the restaurant, the guy with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The man with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The buddy with the Chihuahua figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?"
The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua???!!!!!!!!!!"

:D
 
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