Jokes 2

When I worked as a superintendent in residential construction, if we could hire a day laborer that wasn't cracked out and could dig a ditch, we were happy. Being drunk was a given and didn't even factor into the equation. Hell, if a man was standing on the corner sober and ready for work at 6AM, we knew something was wrong with that guy. Nobody in that group does that. :D
 
Gotta love the Israelis.
Crowd Control....Excellent
Now why don’t we put this to use. Great in Ferguson, Baltimore, St. Louis, Truman Quad at U. of MO, at Trump rallies J, plus many other places……………………..Skunk spray! Leave it to the Israelis to come up with ingenious crowd control method! For those who want less violent means used in handling protests, this seems to be the perfect fit. This is a riot control weapon that really works. Non-toxic, non-lethal, but very effective. The Palestinians want it banned because it makes them feel degraded. I wonder how long the stench lasts on a demonstrator? Looks like these guys may be eating outside for a while rather than around the family dinner table. Great stuff. The Israeli biomedical engineers have done it again.
https://www.youtube.com/embed/H4_XZE3r3oU?rel=0
 
"....and the scent can only be described as somewhere between dead animal and human feces."

If the palestinians think that's bad, wait till the Israelis start launching version 2.0 that can't be washed off or removed. There's nothing quite like being hosed with tatoo skunk spray all because you just threw a pebble at a tank.

:D
 
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A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist,
Linda, and her breasts were so large that they
bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had
to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the
problem, and told her to mash up some green astringent
persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts,
which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to
taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they
will make her mouth pucker up, and she wouldn't be able to talk
properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.
The following Sunday morning the minister walked
up to the pulpit and said,

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we
will not hab a thermon tewday.

You don’t stop laughing because you grow old
You grow old because you stop laughing
 
If there's one thing I really appreciate, it's when a man takes pride in his work:

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In The PERFECT DAY - January 20, 2017



1. President Donald Trump and Vice President Ted Cruz are sworn into office.

2. In a rare event on inauguration day, Congress convenes for an
emergency meeting to repeal the illegal and unconstitutional Socialist
healthcare farce known as Obamacare. The new Director of Health and
Social Services Dr. Ben Carson announces that an independent group of
healthcare management professionals is hired to handle healthcare
services for poor and low income people. They are also assigned the
duty of eliminating Medicare and Medicaid fraud. Government’s costs
for public healthcare are reduced by 90%. Healthcare insurance
premiums for working Americans are reduced by 50%. The move saves
billions of taxpayer paid dollars. Healthcare service in the U.S
improves 100%.

3. Trump announces the immediate deployment of Troops to the U.S.
Mexico border to control illegal immigration and the immediate
deportation of illegals with criminal records or links to terrorist
groups. New bio-encrypted Social Security ID’s are required by every
American citizen. Birthright is abolished. All immigration from
countries that represent a threat to the safety of American citizens
is terminated indefinitely. The move saves American taxpayers billions
of dollars. Several prisons are closed.

4. Newly appointed Secretary of Business and Economic Development
Carly Fiorina eliminates more than half of the Government agencies
operating under the Obama administration saving taxpayers billions of
dollars. Stocks rise 100%.

5. Newly appointed Director of Government Finance Rand Paul announces
the abolition of the IRS and displays a copy of the new Federal Tax
Return form. It consists of one page. The instructions consist of two
pages. The Federal Reserve is audited. The move saves American
Taxpayers billions of dollars and increases tax revenue.

6. Hillary Clinton is in jail, where she belongs. Her cell is directly
across from Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton who are serving time for
‘Hate Crimes”. She bitches at them constantly from behind the bars of
her cell in what some might call cruel and unusual punishment.

7. Bernie Sanders is in the nuthouse, where he belongs. His room is
directly across from Nancy Pelosi, Debbie Wasserman Schultz, Chris
Matthews and Al Franken. They meet for tea every day at ten and
discuss the success and benefits of Communism and Socialism throughout
the world. They also wonder when the “Mothership” is going to pick
them up and return them to their home planets.

8. Windows 12 is released. It is designed for humans, doesn’t try to
satisfy the needs of every person on the planet, doesn’t require a
degree in nuclear physics to operate and looks just like Windows 7
except it is easier to use.

9. Barack Obama flees the United States under cover of darkness and
returns to his homeland of Kenya before his trial for treason begins.
He deplanes on a remote jungle airstrip. It was reported that he was
last seen wandering through the jungle singing “Hakuna Matata”.

10. Oscar Meyer announces the introduction of a new cholesterol and
fat free pepperoni that tastes just like regular pepperoni.

12. A committee is not established to determine what is causing global
cooling. Billions of taxpayer dollars are saved.

14. Dead people are no longer allowed to vote in Chicago, a huge blow
for the Democrat Party in the State of Illinois.

And this my friends constitutes THE PERFECT DAY!
 
An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir,we are crowded and you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old disheveled man, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"

"Fred," the old man moaned.

"Where you from, Fred?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Fred replied;

"The balcony".......
 
-I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

-Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

-I changed my password to "incorrect" so whenever I forget it the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

-Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

-I'm great at multi-tasking--I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don't care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
 
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