Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Hunting in Minnesota
Lyle was hunting geese up north in Minnesota. He leaned his old
12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak
As luck would have it, his Labrador dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven.
"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos
is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, an dere was very little internal bleeding, an I vas able to remove all da buckshot.
"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.
"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
Lyle was hunting geese up north in Minnesota. He leaned his old
12 gauge against the corner of the blind to take a leak
As luck would have it, his Labrador dog Ginger knocked the gun over, it went off, and Lyle took most of an ounce of #4 shot into the groin.
Several hours later, lying in a Duluth hospital bed, he came to and there was his ER doctor, Sven.
"Vell Lyle, I got some good noos and some bad noos. Da good noos
is dat you’re going to be OK. Da damage vas local to your groin, an dere was very little internal bleeding, an I vas able to remove all da buckshot.
"What's the bad news?", asks Lyle.
"The bad noos is dat dere vas some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your pecker. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister, Lena.
"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," says Lyle. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," Sven says. "She's a flute player in da Minneapolis Symphony Orchestra. And because all you have is Obamacare, she's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
In a class on abnormal psychology, the instructor was about to introduce the subject of manic depression.
The instructor asked -
"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth. Screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly -
"A basketball coach?"
The instructor asked -
"How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth. Screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next"
A young man in the rear raised his hand and suggested earnestly -
"A basketball coach?"
This is too true to be funny.
The next time you hear a politician use the
Word 'billion' in a casual manner,
think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
A.A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D.A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ...It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,Mary Landrieu (D)was asking Congress for250 BILLION DOLLARS
To rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
What does it mean?
A.Well .. If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman and child)
You each get $516,528
B.
Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets$1,329,787.
C.
Or... If you are a family of four...
Your family gets$2,066,012.
Washington, D.C.
HELLO!
Are all your calculators broken??
Building Permit Tax
CDL
License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national
debt
We had the largest middle class
And Mom stayed home to raise
the kids. What happened?
Can you spell
'politicians!
And I still have to
Press '1'
For English.
I hope this goes aroundtheUSA
Atleast
100 times
What the heck has happened to our Country?
The next time you hear a politician use the
Word 'billion' in a casual manner,
think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending
YOUR tax money.
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend,
But one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.
A.A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
B.A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.
C.A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
D.A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.
E.A billion dollars ago was only
8 hours and 20 minutes at the rate our government is spending it.
While this thought is still fresh in our brain...
let's take a look at New Orleans ...It's amazing what you can learn with some simple division.
Louisiana Senator,Mary Landrieu (D)was asking Congress for250 BILLION DOLLARS
To rebuild New Orleans . Interesting number...
What does it mean?
A.Well .. If you are one of the 484,674 residents of New Orleans
(every man, woman and child)
You each get $516,528
B.
Or... If you have one of the 188,251 homes in
New Orleans , your home gets$1,329,787.
C.
Or... If you are a family of four...
Your family gets$2,066,012.
Washington, D.C.
HELLO!
Are all your calculators broken??
Building Permit Tax
CDL
License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal Income Tax (Fed)
Federal Unemployment Tax (FU TA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)
IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)
Liquor Tax
Luxury Tax
Marriage License Tax
Medicare Tax
Property Tax
Real Estate Tax
Service charge Taxes
Social Security Tax
Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes
Recreational Vehicle Tax
School Tax
State Income Tax
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)
Telephone Federal Excise Tax
Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax
Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax
Telephone State and Local Tax
Telephone Usage Charge Tax
Utility Tax
Vehicle License Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Watercraft Registration Tax
Well Permit Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
(And to think, we left British Rule to avoid so many taxes)
STILL THINK THIS IS FUNNY?
Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...
And our nation was the most prosperous in the world.
We had absolutely no national
debt
We had the largest middle class
And Mom stayed home to raise
the kids. What happened?
Can you spell
'politicians!
And I still have to
Press '1'
For English.
I hope this goes aroundtheUSA
Atleast
100 times
What the heck has happened to our Country?
For those with a good sense of humor...
Answering machine
message,
"I am not available right now,
but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
If I do not return your
call,
you are one of the
changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had
words, but I didn't get to use
mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your
glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can
give without remembering
and take without
forgetting.
~~~~~
The
irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going
anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before
woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~
I was
always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps
getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every
morning is the dawn of a new
error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is
by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out
of control,
mud slides, flooding, severe
thunderstorms
tearing up the country from one end
to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and
terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time
to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before
you expire.
~~~~~
Answering machine
message,
"I am not available right now,
but
thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making
some changes in my life.
Please leave a message
after the beep.
If I do not return your
call,
you are one of the
changes."
~~~~~
My wife and I had
words, but I didn't get to use
mine.
~~~~~
Frustration is trying to
find your glasses without your
glasses.
~~~~~
Blessed are those who can
give without remembering
and take without
forgetting.
~~~~~
The
irony of life is that,
by the time you're old
enough to know your way around,
you're not going
anywhere.
~~~~~
God made man before
woman so as to give him time
to think of an answer
for her first question.
~~~~~
I was
always taught to respect my elders,
but it keeps
getting harder to find one.
~~~~~
Every
morning is the dawn of a new
error.
~~~~~
The quote of the month is
by Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out
of control,
mud slides, flooding, severe
thunderstorms
tearing up the country from one end
to another,
and with the threat of bird flu and
terrorist attacks,
are we sure this is a good time
to take
God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
~~~~~
Aspire to inspire before
you expire.
~~~~~
Can someone post some https://www.youtube.com/ video in here, it's too boring in here