Jokes 2

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
He was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse & the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking & staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."
 
True Story

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco. While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?”

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old man.

The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. “I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story".

As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.

Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay. again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay. Amazinly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned. The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown .

"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story."

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!!

:):):)
 
2u4m2wx.jpg
 
Life with ISIS – Hostile Work Environment
(Somewhere secret in the desert)

Corporate HR Imam: You are probably wondering why I have gathered you all together. ISIS Corporate is requiring we all undergo “How to Prevent a Hostile Work Environment” training. It’s a legal thing. We have to do it. I’ll try and make this as quick and painless as possible.

Galid: Wait a minute. I’m confused. You give us these guns and tell us to pillage. Are we not supposed to be hostile?

All (murmuring, and nodding yes)

Corporate HR Imam: I know this may be difficult to understand, but a hostile working environment often has nothing to do with hostility whatsoever.

Ali: So are we supposed to be hostile or not?

Ahmed: I do not think the villagers would fear us if we did not behave with the utmost hostility.

Corporate HR Imam: That is not what I am talking about. Of course you must be hostile while you rape and pillage. It is about how we treat each other. It is about creating an environment in the workplace where everyone can always feel emotionally safe and secure.

Ahmed: Is that not why we have guards and guns?

Ali: And anti-tank weapons and Stingers, Allah be praised?

Galid: I’m still confused.

Corporate HR Imam: Let me try and explain. A safe and secure work environment is one in which no one ever says or does or portrays anything that anyone else might consider offensive in any way. Does that make sense?

(silence)

Corporate HR Imam: Can anyone think of an example of something that others might find offensive?

Galid: Cartoons insulting the Prophet!

All (shooting into the air and ululating)

Corporate HR Imam: Yes. Good. I can see how some people might find that offensive. So if we encountered something like that in the workplace, what should we do?

All (shooting and ululating): Behead those who insult the Prophet! Death to the enemies of Allah!

Corporate HR Imam: I can see how we might want to react in that way. But if we see something offensive in the workplace, the correct thing to do would be to bring it up to your immediate superior or HR representative, and after a thorough investigation, we will behead the offenders. Can anyone think of some more examples of things that may be offensive?

Ali: Americans!

Ahmed: Jews!

Galid: BLTs!

Ali: Flatulence!

Habib: Hairy men who refuse to wax themselves!

Galid: Homosexuals!

Habib: Oh, yeah. That was what I meant. Homosexuals!

Ali: Freedom!

Habib: Woman suffrage!

Galid: What? Why are we to be offended by the suffering of women? I do not understand this.

Habib: No, no. Not woman suffering. Woman suffrage. It is when women cause you to suffer.

Corporate HR Imam: Yes. Good. All very offensive things. I’m glad you brought up women. Apparently we have been receiving a lot of complaints and bad coverage in the press about the way we have been treating women. I’ve been instructed to address sexual harassment specifically.
More...

Read the rest at:
http://www.imao.us/index.php/2015/01/life-with-isis-hostile-work-environment/
 
Why I Like Retirement!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question:When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees, what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

And, my very favorite....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied........ 'Two years older than me' 'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked...
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

:):):)
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top