I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, and situation. Will be praying for you.
Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
I'm very sorry to hear of your loss, and situation. Will be praying for you.
I am so sorry to hear about your wife, your health issues, etc. You've always been a fun part of ET, and I hope you find the courage to start another chapter in your life.
All the best,
Don
All the best,
Don
"After seeing that commercial with the horse & puppy, my kids wouldn’t stop bugging me. So I caved and bought them a case of Bud."
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Wrt Getting Older
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctors office: "Is it true" she wanted to know "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes Im afraid so" the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied
"Im wondering then just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS.."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son a renowned surgeon perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad what is it?"
"Dont be nervous son; do your best and just remember if it doesnt go well if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....."
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you dont look that old."
The older we get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. (Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place !!)
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. Ive traveled a long way and some of the roads werent paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth think of Algebra and Trig.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable!
First you forget names then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper... its worse when you forget to pull it down.
Two guys one old one young are pushing their carts around WalMart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasnt paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says "Thats OK its a coincidence. Im looking for my wife too... I cant find her and Im getting a little desperate."
The old guy says "Well maybe I can help you find her........what does she look like?"
The young guy says "Well she is 27 yrs. old tall with red hair blue eyes is buxom...wearing no bra long legs and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like? To which the old guy says “Doesnt matter lets look for yours."
(And this final one especially for me) "Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now if you feel this doesnt apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . . it will!
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctors office: "Is it true" she wanted to know "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"Yes Im afraid so" the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied
"Im wondering then just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS.."
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son a renowned surgeon perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad what is it?"
"Dont be nervous son; do your best and just remember if it doesnt go well if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife....."
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love to hear them say "you dont look that old."
The older we get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. (Mostly because we forgot why we were waiting in line in the first place !!)
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me! I want people to know why I look this way. Ive traveled a long way and some of the roads werent paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth think of Algebra and Trig.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable!
First you forget names then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper... its worse when you forget to pull it down.
Two guys one old one young are pushing their carts around WalMart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasnt paying attention to where I was going."
The young guy says "Thats OK its a coincidence. Im looking for my wife too... I cant find her and Im getting a little desperate."
The old guy says "Well maybe I can help you find her........what does she look like?"
The young guy says "Well she is 27 yrs. old tall with red hair blue eyes is buxom...wearing no bra long legs and is wearing short shorts.
What does your wife look like? To which the old guy says “Doesnt matter lets look for yours."
(And this final one especially for me) "Lord keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth!"
Now if you feel this doesnt apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . . it will!
Golden Oldie: Good Old Brits
The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it onto the baggage holder above the woman and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of her seat!'
The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular.
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired.'
She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it onto the baggage holder above the woman and sat down.
The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of her seat!'
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, 'Take the dog for a walk.'
"Sarah Palin calling Chris Christie a bad governor is like Jerry Sandusky calling Woody Allen a bad babysitter."
"I asked my wife what women really want and she said attentive lovers. Or maybe it was "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening."
"Happy Valentine's: A magical day when single people are jealous of couples and couples are jealous of single people."
"Surprise your wife this Valentine's Day by introducing her to your girlfriend."
"Valentine's Day ahead of President's Day weekend during Black History Month. Barack better be getting laid like crazy."
“I'm single because I was born that way.” -- Mae West
“Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.” -- Jay Leno
“Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year, I'm celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.” -- Unknown
“I think, therefore I’m single.” -- Liz Winston
“Can't wait to spend Valentine's Day with my boyfriends... Ben & Jerry” -- Unknown
“Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to reflect on all your horrible dating choices since last Valentine’s Day.” -- Someecards
“Being single is pretty good. It’s a nice sense of irresponsibility.” -- Michael Douglas
“I won’t cry for you. My mascara is too expensive.” -- Adriana Lima
"Happy Valentine's: A magical day when single people are jealous of couples and couples are jealous of single people."
"Surprise your wife this Valentine's Day by introducing her to your girlfriend."
"Valentine's Day ahead of President's Day weekend during Black History Month. Barack better be getting laid like crazy."
“I'm single because I was born that way.” -- Mae West
“Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day.” -- Jay Leno
“Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year, I'm celebrating Discount Chocolate Tuesday.” -- Unknown
“I think, therefore I’m single.” -- Liz Winston
“Can't wait to spend Valentine's Day with my boyfriends... Ben & Jerry” -- Unknown
“Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to reflect on all your horrible dating choices since last Valentine’s Day.” -- Someecards
“Being single is pretty good. It’s a nice sense of irresponsibility.” -- Michael Douglas
“I won’t cry for you. My mascara is too expensive.” -- Adriana Lima
It's a bad Valentines Day when the Lamppost by the pub gets more cards and flowers than I do
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Girls, if a guy says 'fuck me' during a Valentine's dinner, he's not getting horny.
He's just seen the prices on the menu.
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My girlfriend of 5 years sent me a really strange Valentine's Day card.
I just want to throw my arms around her, but it says that I'm not allowed to go within 1000 feet of her.
--------
Oh well, Valentine's Day again. This year will be just like last year. I'll be sitting drowning my sorrows, wishing I had a chance of getting laid later.
I don't know why I got married in the first place.
--------
Postman just dropped my wife's Valentines card through the letterbox.
Thought she had finished with him at Christmas.
--------
Girls, if a guy says 'fuck me' during a Valentine's dinner, he's not getting horny.
He's just seen the prices on the menu.
--------
My girlfriend of 5 years sent me a really strange Valentine's Day card.
I just want to throw my arms around her, but it says that I'm not allowed to go within 1000 feet of her.
--------
Oh well, Valentine's Day again. This year will be just like last year. I'll be sitting drowning my sorrows, wishing I had a chance of getting laid later.
I don't know why I got married in the first place.
--------
Postman just dropped my wife's Valentines card through the letterbox.
Thought she had finished with him at Christmas.