Jokes 2

An ugly man walks into his local bar one night with a big grin on his face. "you look happy" says the bartender.

The ugly guy replies "well you know I was walking home across the railway tracks? well, last night I left here and as I'm crossing the tracks I sees a woman tied to the rails, like in one of them old films, so I unties her and took her back to my place, what a night, we did everything, her on top, me on top, from behind, everything, it was brilliant".

The bar man says "you lucky old sod, was she nice looking?"

"Oh I dunno, I didn't find the head".
 
The level of pollution in the world today is becoming intolerable.

The other day I opened a can of sardines to find it was full of oil and all the fish were dead.
 
Quote from fhl:

An ugly man walks into his local bar one night with a big grin on his face. "you look happy" says the bartender.

The ugly guy replies "well you know I was walking home across the railway tracks? well, last night I left here and as I'm crossing the tracks I sees a woman tied to the rails, like in one of them old films, so I unties her and took her back to my place, what a night, we did everything, her on top, me on top, from behind, everything, it was brilliant".

The bar man says "you lucky old sod, was she nice looking?"

"Oh I dunno, I didn't find the head".
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You're a sick man, chubbs, sick man, LOL. :D
 
Clever Signs

I may be schizophrenic, but at least I have each other.

WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS! Except that one where you're naked in church.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Welcome to Utah... Set your watch back 20 years.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.

Dyslexics Have More Nuf.

In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,
it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote
"The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started...

Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

Red meat is not bad for you - Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines!

I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his bus.

I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE... Sometimes I even put it in the food.

:) :) :)
 
Viva New Jersey

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:) :) :)
 
BURGLARY IN FLORIDA

When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a "generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder." (That's the way the police report described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, that "it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time." Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. Taped to the box was this note which said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

And you thought California was the land of fruits and nuts!

:) :) :)
 
Quote from nutmeg:

My wife said, "I want you to see a marriage counselor"

So I found one on AdultFriendFinder and started fucking her every other night.
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That's a funny one !!!
 
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