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ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
BY JOHN CLEESE
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
BY JOHN CLEESE
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Libya and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
-- John Cleese - British writer, actor and tall person
Late Night Jokes
from Newsmax.com
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yea, not anymore.
The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million.
Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Ladenâs wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show.
The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at airport security. People say 2-year-olds canât be terrorists â unless youâre sitting next to one on a flight.
Conan
The White House described the relationship between the United States and Pakistan as âcomplicated.â In fact itâs so complicated that the U.S. just sent our ambassador over there to get our CDs and T-shirts back.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage. Itâs the first marital separation that will require a mediator, and arbitrator, and a translator.
In Detroit, a plane had to be diverted due to a threatening note. The note said, âWelcome to Detroit.â
Late Show With David Letterman
Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are separating. Sheâll get the house in Malibu and heâll be moving back to Skull Island.
They gave it a shot, but thatâs what happens when you marry outside of your species.
Arnold is being a guy about it, saying âIâll be back â for my things.â
Late Show Top Ten Things Mary Hart Has Learned In 29 Years Hosting âEntertainment Tonightâ
10. People in entertainment are better than others
9. In a mug, no one knows what you're drinking!
8. Most of our celebrities have been to prison
7. I've memorized every celebrity's birthday. Happy 75th to "Laugh-In" star Gary Owens!
6. If you're not careful, you could get Leno'd
5. Watch your personal belongings around Lindsay
4. Tom Hanks is a total loser
3. I still can't tell the difference between Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal
2. The words "entertainment" and "tonight" are rarely found in the same sentence as "Letterman"
1. Nothing!
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. Arnold issued a statement saying, âHasta la vista, half of my stuff.â
They were married for a quarter century. In Hollywood, a quarter century is like being married for 200 years in the real world.
California is a very tough state to govern. We canât even control Lindsay Lohan.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Sources close to the couple say they just stopped communicating. I donât know how they ever started communicating.
Arnold and Maria released a statement citing irreconcilable differences. Well, Maria cited irreconcilable differences, and translators are trying to figure out what Arnold said.
What would happen if the Obamas split up? Would Barack have to move out of the White House, into a one-bedroom with 27 Secret Service men?
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card.
The Libyan forces fighting Moammar Gadhafi only have about three weeks of funding left. Itâs kind of hard to intimidate an evil tyrant when youâre like, âWe will fight you until the end! Of May!â
The safest delivery driver at UPS recently logged 4 million miles without an accident. Heâs being awarded UPSâs highest honor: long pants.
from Newsmax.com
The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
The interior minister of Pakistan says that they have nothing to hide. Yea, not anymore.
The United States gave the Pakistani police $162 million. Unfortunately, bin Laden gave them $163 million.
Apparently, Pakistan has given the United States permission to interview bin Ladenâs wives, as long as we promise not to turn it into a reality show.
The TSA is being criticized for checking 2-year-olds at airport security. People say 2-year-olds canât be terrorists â unless youâre sitting next to one on a flight.
Conan
The White House described the relationship between the United States and Pakistan as âcomplicated.â In fact itâs so complicated that the U.S. just sent our ambassador over there to get our CDs and T-shirts back.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have split up after 25 years of marriage. Itâs the first marital separation that will require a mediator, and arbitrator, and a translator.
In Detroit, a plane had to be diverted due to a threatening note. The note said, âWelcome to Detroit.â
Late Show With David Letterman
Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife are separating. Sheâll get the house in Malibu and heâll be moving back to Skull Island.
They gave it a shot, but thatâs what happens when you marry outside of your species.
Arnold is being a guy about it, saying âIâll be back â for my things.â
Late Show Top Ten Things Mary Hart Has Learned In 29 Years Hosting âEntertainment Tonightâ
10. People in entertainment are better than others
9. In a mug, no one knows what you're drinking!
8. Most of our celebrities have been to prison
7. I've memorized every celebrity's birthday. Happy 75th to "Laugh-In" star Gary Owens!
6. If you're not careful, you could get Leno'd
5. Watch your personal belongings around Lindsay
4. Tom Hanks is a total loser
3. I still can't tell the difference between Tobey Maguire and Jake Gyllenhaal
2. The words "entertainment" and "tonight" are rarely found in the same sentence as "Letterman"
1. Nothing!
The Late Late Show With Craig Ferguson
The royal couple is finally heading to their honeymoon for two weeks of living in pampered luxury, followed by a lifetime of . . . the same.
Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years of marriage. Arnold issued a statement saying, âHasta la vista, half of my stuff.â
They were married for a quarter century. In Hollywood, a quarter century is like being married for 200 years in the real world.
California is a very tough state to govern. We canât even control Lindsay Lohan.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
The Schwarzeneggers are splitting up. Sources close to the couple say they just stopped communicating. I donât know how they ever started communicating.
Arnold and Maria released a statement citing irreconcilable differences. Well, Maria cited irreconcilable differences, and translators are trying to figure out what Arnold said.
What would happen if the Obamas split up? Would Barack have to move out of the White House, into a one-bedroom with 27 Secret Service men?
Late Night With Jimmy Fallon
I read that Apple just became the most valuable brand in the world. Which explains why today the Treasury replaced the U.S. dollar with the iTunes gift card.
The Libyan forces fighting Moammar Gadhafi only have about three weeks of funding left. Itâs kind of hard to intimidate an evil tyrant when youâre like, âWe will fight you until the end! Of May!â
The safest delivery driver at UPS recently logged 4 million miles without an accident. Heâs being awarded UPSâs highest honor: long pants.
Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)
12. Only in America.....if you fall down in the street ill do you have to produce a credit card to get a lift in an ambulence.
13. Only in America....can you expect to be saved by a super-hero if you fall out of a 15th floor window.
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
11. Only in America......can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House. (This was popular when Clinton was in office)
12. Only in America.....if you fall down in the street ill do you have to produce a credit card to get a lift in an ambulence.
13. Only in America....can you expect to be saved by a super-hero if you fall out of a 15th floor window.