Jokes 2

I walked into the Hotel California the other day and ordered a Jack Daniels and coke.

The barman looked at me confused and said "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969..."
 
Quote from nutmeg:

I walked into the Hotel California the other day and ordered a Jack Daniels and coke.

The barman looked at me confused and said "We haven't had that spirit here since 1969..."
More...

That seems to be the case when I ordered vodka...rum...tequila...brandy....and whisky in that hotel.
 
A gorgeous woman slinks up to a CEO at a party and through moist lips purrs, “I’ll do anything - anything - you want. Just tell me what you would like.”

With no hesitation, he replies, “Reprice my options.“
 
To Play Golf

A retired Scottish Jew has decided that now he is retired, he's going to take up golf. So he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to enquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya man. Oy!... Look: I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join your golf club!!!

:) :) :)
 
I took a really long time in the bathroom last night taking a shit, and when I got out my wife said to me.

"Fucking hell, you were in there for about an hour. How constipated are you?"

"That shit was as hard as my dick when I see you naked." I replied

"So it was rock hard? That must have hurt"

"Are you kidding? I've got diarrhea."
 
Great Math Quiz

Just a very short, simple little math calculation you can do in your head. I was amazed at how this accurately identified my favorite movie. I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don't look at the movie list till you have done the math!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don't ask me how, but it really works!

Movie Test:
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Add 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Now add the two digits together to find your predicted favorite movie in the list of 18 movies below.

Movie List:

1. Gone With The Wind
2. E.T.
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
7. Jaws
8. Grease
9. The Defeat of Obama in 2012
10. Casablanca
11. Jurassic Park
12. Shrek
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
14. Titanic
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
18. Toy Story

Have a Great Day!

:) :) :)
 
Quote from Yannis:

Great Math Quiz

Just a very short, simple little math calculation you can do in your head. Have a Great Day!

:) :) :)
More...

speaking of math quiz, I got one for ya.


What's got 8 legs and 1 eye?

2 chairs and half a pigs head.
 
Ma called.

For months she couldn't remember where her Ford stock was but tonight she does. {:>) She said she's going to sell most of it. She's going to be 80 this year, still the guru. lmao. I said "go for it" ( I never tell her what to do). I think she bought it at less than 2 a couple years ago :cool:

Ps. Imagine being 78 putting on a "buy and hold". :D Taking some off the table when you're 80.:D :D She said "I'm leaving some in for 'pin money'".
 
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