Jokes 2
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Old Soviet Jokes
What does two times two make? Whatever the Party says.
A KGB interrogator asks a suspect: 'Which of my eyes is artificial? If you guess right I'll let you go.' 'The left one,' replies the suspect. 'How did you guess?' marvels the interrogator. 'It has a kindly look about it.'
How do you relate to the Soviet government? Like a wife: part habit, part fear and wish to God I had a different one.
Two Muscovites meet. 'How's life?' 'Fantastic.' 'Do you read the papers?' 'Of course! How else would I know?'
Yesterday in Moscow an attempt was made on Comrade Brezhnev's life by an unidentified assailant. The bullet penetrated the bulletproof car window, hit Comrade Brezhnev on the forehead, ricocheted and killed the driver. (Tass communique)
What sort of a job should you take, so as never to be unemployed? Climb up on the Kremlin wall and watch for the approach of Communism.
How's life? Like a bus trip, one's driving and the rest are shaking.
How can you ensure that your refrigerator is always full of food? Plug it into Radio Moscow.
Brezhnev had a nightmare: a Czech was sitting in Red Square eating matzos â with chopsticks.
A man ran through the streets of Moscow shouting: 'Krushchev is a swine!' He was seized and given twenty one years: one year for defamation, and twenty years for leaking state secrets.
What does two times two make? Whatever the Party says.
A KGB interrogator asks a suspect: 'Which of my eyes is artificial? If you guess right I'll let you go.' 'The left one,' replies the suspect. 'How did you guess?' marvels the interrogator. 'It has a kindly look about it.'
How do you relate to the Soviet government? Like a wife: part habit, part fear and wish to God I had a different one.
Two Muscovites meet. 'How's life?' 'Fantastic.' 'Do you read the papers?' 'Of course! How else would I know?'
Yesterday in Moscow an attempt was made on Comrade Brezhnev's life by an unidentified assailant. The bullet penetrated the bulletproof car window, hit Comrade Brezhnev on the forehead, ricocheted and killed the driver. (Tass communique)
What sort of a job should you take, so as never to be unemployed? Climb up on the Kremlin wall and watch for the approach of Communism.
How's life? Like a bus trip, one's driving and the rest are shaking.
How can you ensure that your refrigerator is always full of food? Plug it into Radio Moscow.
Brezhnev had a nightmare: a Czech was sitting in Red Square eating matzos â with chopsticks.
A man ran through the streets of Moscow shouting: 'Krushchev is a swine!' He was seized and given twenty one years: one year for defamation, and twenty years for leaking state secrets.
Russian TV Joke
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Elderly Anger Management
A husband asks his wife of 60 years,'You never argue when I get mad at you. All these years we've been together. How do you always control your anger?'
'I clean the toilet,' she replies. 'Especially the dirty parts, way deep.'
'How does that help?' he wonders.
'I use your toothbrush...'
A husband asks his wife of 60 years,'You never argue when I get mad at you. All these years we've been together. How do you always control your anger?'
'I clean the toilet,' she replies. 'Especially the dirty parts, way deep.'
'How does that help?' he wonders.
'I use your toothbrush...'
Strange Lincoln â Obama Coincidences
1) Lincoln was elected in 1860, Obama was elected in 2008, nearly 150 years later.
2) Lincoln eliminated involuntary servitude. Obama eliminated private sector jobs.
3) Lincoln and Obama were both married to ugly wives who went crazy.
4) Each manâs wife gained over forty pounds while living at the White House.
5) Lincoln was hit in the head from behind. Obama hid his head up his behind.
6) Lincoln was shot in Fordâs Theater. Obama shot up while riding in a Lincoln made by Ford.
7) Both men had vice-presidents who were illiterate Democrat senators.
8) Andrew Johnson nearly lived to the age of 67. Joe Biden nearly had an IQ of 67.
9) Lincoln was born in KENtucky, Obama was born in KENya â before both moved to Illinois.
10) LincOln and Obama each had a single letter âOâ in their last name.
11) Andrew Johnson had no middle name. Joseph Robinette Biden had a silly one.
12) JOHN W. BOOTH and BILL C. AYERS each has 10 letters.
13) A Kennedy told Lincoln to take care of his health. Ted Kennedy told Obama to pass health care.
14) Lincoln and Obama were both more feminine than Hillary Clinton.
15) Lincoln was placed on the penny. Obama was not quite worth a penny.
16) Lincoln was not a Muslim. Obama was not an admitted Muslim.
17) Neither Lincoln nor Obama ever wrote a book.
1) Lincoln was elected in 1860, Obama was elected in 2008, nearly 150 years later.
2) Lincoln eliminated involuntary servitude. Obama eliminated private sector jobs.
3) Lincoln and Obama were both married to ugly wives who went crazy.
4) Each manâs wife gained over forty pounds while living at the White House.
5) Lincoln was hit in the head from behind. Obama hid his head up his behind.
6) Lincoln was shot in Fordâs Theater. Obama shot up while riding in a Lincoln made by Ford.
7) Both men had vice-presidents who were illiterate Democrat senators.
8) Andrew Johnson nearly lived to the age of 67. Joe Biden nearly had an IQ of 67.
9) Lincoln was born in KENtucky, Obama was born in KENya â before both moved to Illinois.
10) LincOln and Obama each had a single letter âOâ in their last name.
11) Andrew Johnson had no middle name. Joseph Robinette Biden had a silly one.
12) JOHN W. BOOTH and BILL C. AYERS each has 10 letters.
13) A Kennedy told Lincoln to take care of his health. Ted Kennedy told Obama to pass health care.
14) Lincoln and Obama were both more feminine than Hillary Clinton.
15) Lincoln was placed on the penny. Obama was not quite worth a penny.
16) Lincoln was not a Muslim. Obama was not an admitted Muslim.
17) Neither Lincoln nor Obama ever wrote a book.