Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
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A man died and went to Heaven.
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, âWhat are all those clocks?â.
St. Peter answered, âThose are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.â
âOhâ, said the man, âWhose clock is that?â
âThatâs Mother Teresaâsâ, replied St. Peter âThe hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.â
âIncredible.â said the man âAnd whose clock is that one?â
St. Peter responded, âThatâs Abraham Lincolnâs clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.â
âWhere is Obamaâs Clock?â âGod is using that as a ceiling fan in his officeâ
âWhat about the clocks for the mainstream media?â asked the man.
St Peter replied, âOh, weâre using them like a wind farm to generate all the electricity up here.â
As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, âWhat are all those clocks?â.
St. Peter answered, âThose are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.â
âOhâ, said the man, âWhose clock is that?â
âThatâs Mother Teresaâsâ, replied St. Peter âThe hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.â
âIncredible.â said the man âAnd whose clock is that one?â
St. Peter responded, âThatâs Abraham Lincolnâs clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.â
âWhere is Obamaâs Clock?â âGod is using that as a ceiling fan in his officeâ
âWhat about the clocks for the mainstream media?â asked the man.
St Peter replied, âOh, weâre using them like a wind farm to generate all the electricity up here.â
There was this tragic accident on the LA freeway but only 1 fatality. This was back in the 60s. He was dreadfully brain damaged but just made it to the Pearly Gates. St Peter was having a bad day.
You canât get in buddy look at the state of you.
And besides he was feeling the strain and needed an understudy.
Tell you what said Saint P you help me out with this irksome job and I wonât boot your ass down to hell.
Done said the stranger
Well it soon became apparent St. P. didnât know the strangerâs name and being brain damaged the strange looking fellow couldnât remember.
OK said St. P. weâll call you er William . How about that.
Thatâll do said he.
Well as time progressed and the millions filed up to the gate for final judgement Will saw an opening. While old St. P. had his back turned he whispered to the richer looking ones. Gimme 50c and I will give you the password.
He amassed such a fortune over the years that even when he was found out, God decided to reward his initiative and instead of sending him to hell, Will had convinced God that he was really collecting all that wealth to spend on the poor and sick , he sent him back to earth and was the richest man on the planet. When he related this story and said he still couldnât remember his last name he became known far and wide as William of the Gate or simply Bill Gates !
You canât get in buddy look at the state of you.
And besides he was feeling the strain and needed an understudy.
Tell you what said Saint P you help me out with this irksome job and I wonât boot your ass down to hell.
Done said the stranger
Well it soon became apparent St. P. didnât know the strangerâs name and being brain damaged the strange looking fellow couldnât remember.
OK said St. P. weâll call you er William . How about that.
Thatâll do said he.
Well as time progressed and the millions filed up to the gate for final judgement Will saw an opening. While old St. P. had his back turned he whispered to the richer looking ones. Gimme 50c and I will give you the password.
He amassed such a fortune over the years that even when he was found out, God decided to reward his initiative and instead of sending him to hell, Will had convinced God that he was really collecting all that wealth to spend on the poor and sick , he sent him back to earth and was the richest man on the planet. When he related this story and said he still couldnât remember his last name he became known far and wide as William of the Gate or simply Bill Gates !
CNN:
Obama: Police 'acted stupidly' in prof's arrest
President Obama said police "acted stupidly" in arresting a prominent black Harvard professor after a confrontation at the man's home. "I don't know, not having been there and not seeing all the facts, what role race played," Obama said at a news conference. full story
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If he 'doesn't know' anything because he 'wasn't there', how does he know that the police acted stupidly? lol
good thing he is the President, not a judge...
Obama: Police 'acted stupidly' in prof's arrest
President Obama said police "acted stupidly" in arresting a prominent black Harvard professor after a confrontation at the man's home. "I don't know, not having been there and not seeing all the facts, what role race played," Obama said at a news conference. full story
***********
If he 'doesn't know' anything because he 'wasn't there', how does he know that the police acted stupidly? lol
good thing he is the President, not a judge...
One day three traders were drinking in a bar . . .can you imagine? Traders drinking? In a bar? What a shocker! But I digress. . .and they got to arguing about who's wife was a bigger ice queen.
"Listen, my wife is so cold that she can go to sleep with ice cubes in her hands and they are still there when she wakes up in the morning." Says one trader.
"Ha! Last night I asked my wife to get me some Advil. By the time she got to me, the glass of water was frozen solid!" Says the next trader.
The last trader sighs unhappily and says "Lemme tell you just what a Frozen Bitch from Hell I married. When she spreads her legs, the furnace kicks on!"
"Listen, my wife is so cold that she can go to sleep with ice cubes in her hands and they are still there when she wakes up in the morning." Says one trader.
"Ha! Last night I asked my wife to get me some Advil. By the time she got to me, the glass of water was frozen solid!" Says the next trader.
The last trader sighs unhappily and says "Lemme tell you just what a Frozen Bitch from Hell I married. When she spreads her legs, the furnace kicks on!"
