Jokes 2

In honor of the sentencing of one, Bernie Madoff, I resurrect the classic Ivan Boesky story from 1989. They'll be plenty of names to substitute in the coming weeks, however...........

"Bernie goes to the lockdown, and gets a new cellmate, Lucius. Big Hairy Lucius is 6'6" 390, a bit on the beefy side. He takes a look at Bernie and says, "Hey. I seed you in the papers. You're here just in time, because Mondays is Husband and Wife night. You wanna be the husband, o' da wiffe?"

Bernie thinks carefully. Anyone who could orchestrate a 20 year scam, steal billions, dodge those keystone kops of regulation at the SEC has a computer like mind. He realizes this is not a good situation, but figures he's stuck, and he doesn't want to get really stuck, he needs to declare:

"I'll be the husband!!!!"

Lucious, at the approriate apres dinner moment , calls out to Bernie.........

"Hey, Noob. Get over here and suck your wife's dick."

Alas. Two schemes blow up in the same day.
 
The Potato Sisters

The Ross Sisters were popular in 1944. Their act gets better as it progresses and they finish singing. You will be amazed at how the sisters exit the stage at the end of their performance.

Overall, kind of weird, but incredible nevertheless. The sisters mysteriously disappeared from fame; I read they may have gone to Europe.

http://thefunnypage.com/potato-sisters/

:) :) :)
 
Quote from Yannis:

The Potato Sisters

The Ross Sisters were popular in 1944. Their act gets better as it progresses and they finish singing. You will be amazed at how the sisters exit the stage at the end of their performance.

Overall, kind of weird, but incredible nevertheless. The sisters mysteriously disappeared from fame; I read they may have gone to Europe.

http://thefunnypage.com/potato-sisters/

:) :) :)
More...

They opened a brothel for circus performers.
 
Did you know that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position?


The record (1.73 metres) was set yesterday on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France .


The photograph below was taken just a split second before the jump but it gives a clear idea of how this remarkable record was achieved.
 

Attachments

The Wordplay Winners

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES: !
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER !!!

:) :) :)
 
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He
marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent.
We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.'

'You'll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will
supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also
have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A
two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the
salary is $200,000 a year.'

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bull shitting me!’

The social worker said, ' Yeah, well, you started it.'
 
Quote from Humpy:

You'll know when a politician is lying when you see his lips moving
More...
And remember, when he's reading a teleprompter, these are not even his own lies he's dishing out, it's a double duplicity sort of thing... :)
 
On Health Care

The American Medical Association has just weighed in on the new Health Care Initiatives from the Obama Administration...

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Admininstration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Opthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

The Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Oh Grow Up!"

The Oncologists fear it is malignant, while Osteopaths make no bones about it.

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons cut through the details and then decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire messy, stinking decision up to the assholes in Washington! Yeah!!!

:) :) :)
 
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