Jokes 2

Quote from TheRealColbert:

A pun, or paronomasia, is a form of word play that deliberately exploits ambiguity between similar-sounding words for humorous or rhetorical effect. Such ambiguity may arise from the intentional misuse of homophonical, homographical, homonymic, polysemic, metonymic, or metaphorical language.
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You managed to pack at least 8 different Greek words here... that's good! :)

But, now that we've explained it to death, let's make it real:

When William joined the army he disliked the phrase 'fire at will'.

Police were called to a daycare station where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

It's not that the man didn't know how to juggle in front of a crowd, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

:) :) :)
 
Oh, the glorious wikipedia. I didn't have to know anything.

But greek is easy, we can make our own words.

polyphonical, metosemic, metaphonical, polygraphical, metagraphical, polynymic, homographical, metophonical, metonymic, metanymic, polysemic, metographical, metasemic, homosemic, polyphorical, metophorical, homophorical, homophonical, metaphorical.

I just don't know what they mean. I apologise for any gender stereotypical or racially incensitive comments that I may have inadvertenly just written.

TRC, D.F.A.
 
Quote from TheRealColbert:

Oh, the glorious wikipedia. I didn't have to know anything.

But greek is easy, we can make our own words.

polyphonical, metosemic, metaphonical, polygraphical, metagraphical, polynymic, homographical, metophonical, metonymic, metanymic, polysemic, metographical, metasemic, homosemic, polyphorical, metophorical, homophorical, homophonical, metaphorical.

I just don't know what they mean. I apologise for any gender stereotypical or racially incensitive comments that I may have inadvertenly just written.

TRC, D.F.A.
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Thanks to the ancient Greeks for

1. words hardly anybody understands
2. concepts that hardly anyone understands
3. we have inherited their wars against the Persians and are still battling
4. democracy that hardly works except for sleazy politicians

but I guess they pushed progress on a bit from the stone age
- so shouldn't complain :D


Oh nearly forgot - you lot can't have your marbles back - should have looked after them better :D
 
A blonde in Canada wanted to do a spot of ice fishing. So after getting all the right tools together, she headed towards the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice. Then from the heavens a voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

Startled, the women moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice. The voice boomed, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''

This time quite scared, the women moved to the far end of the ice. Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, ''THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.''
She raised her head and said, ''Is that you, Lord?''

The voice answered, ''NO. IT'S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.''
 
I took my mother fishing on a party boat one day, after drifting for hours without even a nibble, mom hooked a doormat.

Everyone on the boat was excited cheering the old woman on telling her to take her time don't lose it etc. finally she lifted it into the boat picked up the doormat, removed the hook looked at it up and down and then tossed it back into the water, stunned I said "mama why did you throw that fish back into the water"?

She said "I don't know to me it just didn't look fresh."
 
A PhD sits next to a hick on a flight out of North Texas.. after awhile he thinks he'll con the hick out of some dough so he proposes that he ask questions and if the hick can't answer he pays the PhD $5 and if the hick can propose a question the PhD can't answer the hick gets $500. The PhD asks a question about ancient history and the hick hands over $5. Then the hick asks "what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down backwards with four legs?" The Phd scratches his beard, gets out his laptop, searches the internet but no answer comes up so he forks over $500 and asks the hick "what the heck does do that?". The hick says "I don't know" and hands over $5.......
 
Quote from nutmeg:

I took my mother fishing on a party boat one day, after drifting for hours without even a nibble, mom hooked a doormat.

Everyone on the boat was excited cheering the old woman on telling her to take her time don't lose it etc. finally she lifted it into the boat picked up the doormat, removed the hook looked at it up and down and then tossed it back into the water, stunned I said "mama why did you throw that fish back into the water"?

She said "I don't know to me it just didn't look fresh."
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Is a doormat a fish?
 
From: Jane Gilles
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Our records indicate that your account is overdue by the amount of $233.95. If you have already made this payment please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 8 Oct 2008 12.37pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
I do not have any money so am sending you this drawing I did of a spider instead.
I value the drawing at $233.95 so trust that this settles the matter.

Regards, David.

(sends drawing)





From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.07am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Overdue account

Dear David,
Thank you for contacting us. Unfortunately we are unable to accept drawings as payment and your account remains in arrears of $233.95. Please contact us within the next 7 days to confirm payment has been applied to your account and is no longer outstanding.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 10.32am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,
Can I have my drawing of a spider back then please.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.42am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear David,
You emailed the drawing to me. Do you want me to email it back to you?

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 11.56am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

Dear Jane,

Yes please.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Thursday 9 Oct 2008 12.14pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Overdue account

(sends back drawing)







From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 09.22am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Whose spider is that?

Dear Jane,
Are you sure this drawing of a spider is the one I sent you? This spider only has seven legs and I do not feel I would have made such an elementary mistake when I drew it.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.03am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
Yes it is the same drawing. I copied and pasted it from the email you sent me on the 8th.
David your account is still overdue by the amount of $233.95.
Please make this payment as soon as possible.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.05am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Automated Out of Office Response

Thank you for contacting me.
I am currently away on leave, traveling through time and will be returning last week.

Regards, David.



From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 10 Oct 2008 11.08am
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Hello, I am back and have read through your emails and accept that despite missing a leg, that drawing of a spider may indeed be the one I sent you. I realise with hindsight that it is possible you rejected the drawing of a spider due to this obvious limb ommission but did not point it out in an effort to avoid hurting my feelings. As such, I am sending you a revised drawing with the correct number of legs as full payment for any amount outstanding. I trust this will bring the matter to a conclusion.

Regards, David.





From: Jane Gilles
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 2.51pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

Dear David,
As I have stated, we do not accept drawings in lieu of money for accounts outstanding.
We accept cheque, bank cheque, money order or cash. Please make a payment this week to avoid incurring any additional fees.

Yours sincerely, Jane Gilles



From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 13 Oct 2008 3.17pm
To: Jane Gilles
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

I understand and will definitely make a payment this week if I remember. As you have not accepted my second drawing as payment, please return the drawing to me as soon as possible. It was silly of me to assume I could provide you with something of completely no value whatsoever, waste your time and then attach such a large amount to it.

Regards, David.



From: Jane Gilles
Date: Tuesday 14 Oct 2008 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Whose spider is that?

OK I give up - you win
 
BEFORE MARRIAGE:


Husband - Aaah! ...At last! I can hardly wait!
Wife - Do you want me to leave?
Husband - No! Don't even think about it.
Wife - Do you love me?
Husband - Of course! Always have and always will!
Wife - Have you ever cheated on me?
Husband - No! Why are you even asking?
Wife - Will you kiss me?
Husband - Every chance I get!
Wife - Will you hit me?
Husband - Hell no! Are you crazy?!
Wife - Can I trust you?
Husband - Yes.
Wife - Darling!














AFTER MARRIAGE:

rrrrrrrrrrh rrrrrrrrrrrh
 
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