Jokes 2

....from dealbreaker. Brilliant. True!!! But still! Brilliant!

The U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission is ending its program to
supervise large independent investment banks now that the five
participants have collapsed or reorganized.

The announcement Friday coincided with criticism by the SEC's
inspector general of the agency for failing to properly supervise broker
dealer risk assessments in a program run by the Division of Trading and
Markets.

Stage direction: SEC officials mount their horses, tip their hats, and
ride off into the sunset. Pan back to show village burned to the ground
and citizenry slaughtered, voiceover by Wilfred Brimley waxing poetic,
"They did what they came to do. Their work here was done."
 
That's pretty funny fly.

Now back to gold. Prolly swap some bling for a couple of sandwiches and a forty. I don't need no stinking gold coins.

Bling.jpg
 
I remember when I worked at K Mart

The manager said to me “In order to work here you need to be a salesman and you need to be in touch with the customer, do you think you’ve got those qualities?”

Hah! I laugh to myself, Is this fucking guy serious?

“Absolutely!”

“Well, let me show you how it’s done,” says the manager.

The manager leads me to a counter and waits for a customer. The first guy to come along drops a 50 pound bag of grass seed on the counter.

The manager says, “That’s a pretty big bag of grass seed ya got there.”

“Yup,” responds the customer.

The manager winks at me and says, “Ya think you might need a new lawn mower for that grass you’re putting down?”

I saw a lightbulb go off over the customer’s head. ” Yeah! That’s a great idea.” {"Wow"}

The manager leads him back to the lawn mowers and helps him pick out a really nice model.

“Ya see, Nutmeg, that’s how it’s done. Ya think you can do that?”

“Hell, yeah!” “Just watch!!”

I wait at the counter and the next man to come along drops a huge package of tampons onto the counter. I look at the box and then at the customer.

“That’s a pretty big box of tampons ya got there,”

The embarrassed man looks up feebly and says, “Yup.”

A moment of silence passes and I brilliantly remember my managers last words, “Would you be interested in buying a new lawn mower?”

The customer looks at me and says

“What the hell would I want a lawn mower for?”

This time I wink at the manager,

“Well, since you won’t be getting laid this weekend I figured you might want to mow your lawn!”
 
SUPER SALESMAN

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that have every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?"

"That was the only one," said the young salesman.

"Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man.

The boss paused for a moment, flabbergasted. Then he asked, "How did you manage that?"

"Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a spear gun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer.

I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rust-proofing, and a built-in refrigerator."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"

"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy Tampons."

"Tampons?"

"Yeah, Tampons. They were for his wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing...'"
 
Overheard,

Farmer - HF manager.


"So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year."
 
Gees guys, another Sunday. Have a prosperous week.


God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?
__Newspaper __Other Book __Television __Divine Inspiration __Word of mouth __Near Death Experience __Bible __Torah __ET

2. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
__Tarot __Lottery __Horoscope __Television __Fortune cookies __Ann Landers __Self-help books __Sex __Biorythms __Alcohol or drugs __Insurance policies __Mantras __None __ Pat Byrne

3. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know

4. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1-5 the divine handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters (flood, 700b bailout, earthquake, CYGT) 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles (rescues, spontaneous remission of disease, Obama nomination) 1 2 3 4 5

5. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
_________________________________________________________
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A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What denomination?" Asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.

"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic ones."


I'm just listening to polka's on you tube, watching tv and looking up jokes.

I'll be back.
 
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