Jokes 2

Quote from nutmeg:

A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray.

The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your knees. Don't pray to her, pray to me!"

The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!"
More...

My great grandmother lived with my grandparents. When my father would tease my Aunt, who was still at home in her teens, she's call him, ' you sum a na beetch'. So really, the old lady would have, and if it were my gramma, she'd have said.......

'shudup a you face. I'm a talkin to you Mother!"
 
A woman tells the clerk she wants a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on a 'special' offering.

Suddenly, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming! "PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES!!"

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers. The manager goes to the lady and asks, "Ma'am what's wrong?" She explained the problem with the toaster, and HE tells the lady that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on a special.

Once again, the lady throws her arms up in the air and starts screaming, PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! PINCH MY NIPPLES! And doing so draws an even huger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, "Ma'am, why are you saying that? In a huff, the woman says, "BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M GETTING SCREWED!"

The crowd broke into applause and the lady money was quickly refunded!

2uxu0rt.jpg
 
Speaking of toasters.

When I was working in the hardware store, I was working the counter and cashing people out. This lady put a pair of hinges on the counter and was ready to pay for them. I asked her if she need a screw for the hinges, she said "no, but i'll screw you for the toaster."
 
Quick and Dirty (laundry).

A blonde goes into the cleaners & drops off a blouse to be
dry cleaned.

As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says, 'Come again.'

The blonde stops and says, 'No, its mustard this time.'
 
The Hopeless Student

"It’s no good, sir,” whispered the young boy, "I try to learn History, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”
“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher, “but you only have two ears, son.”
“...As you can see, Sir,” I’m no good at math, either!”

:) :) :)
 
That's what she said. "That ain't no six inches" even with a pair of tweezers and some pepper, it ain't never gonna be no six inches.
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it
was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the
road because he recognized the need to engage in
cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally
helped that little chicken to cross the road. This
experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure --
right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.
But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this
chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the
problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid
he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems
before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so
bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his
mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just
drive across the road and not live his life like the
rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken
crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken
is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle
ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can
clearly see the satellite image of the chicken
crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe
there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed
to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross
the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road
to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain
against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because
he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he
walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent,
hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way
that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the
Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped
to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed
the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you
people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it
the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort
out this abomination that the liberal media white
washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other
side. That chicken should not be crossing the road.
It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken
crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few
moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for
the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the
road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world
crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file
your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken.
This new platform is much more stable and will never
cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the
road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT
chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need
some black chickens.
 
Quote from Arnie:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it
was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the
road because he recognized the need to engage in
cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the
other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally
helped that little chicken to cross the road. This
experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure --
right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this
country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road.
But then, this really isn't about me.......

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this
chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the
problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road.
What we need to do is help him realize how stupid
he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems
before adding 'NEW' problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having
problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so
bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his
mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just
drive across the road and not live his life like the
rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken
crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken
is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle
ground here.

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can
clearly see the satellite image of the chicken
crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN: We have reason to believe
there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed
to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross
the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road
to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain
against it.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because
he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he
walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent,
hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way
that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the
Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped
to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed
the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you
people see the plain truth?' That's why they call it
the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken
is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become
gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort
out this abomination that the liberal media white
washes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other
side. That chicken should not be crossing the road.
It's as plain and as simple as that.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken
crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken
crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few
moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for
the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the
road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world
crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2007, which
will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file
your important documents, and balance your checkbook.
Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken.
This new platform is much more stable and will never
cra...#@&&^(C% ........reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the
road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT
chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need
some black chickens.
More...

Witty and clever !!
Great -- 10 outa 10
 
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