Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
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Hillary's First 100 Days
(From IMAO)
* Replace all the H-less White House computer keyboards.
* Hostess that damn Pampered Chef party that Pelosi guilted her into.
* Go out hunting, just like her grandfather showed her.
* Shoot her eye out, just like her grandmother warned her.
* Bake some cookies for her first press conference. Chocolate chip for Reuters, bitter almond for Fox News.
* Head off future First Husband scandals by making sure all White House phones have a 24-hour dry cleaner on speed dial.
* Bring the troops home so as to ensure that America will have another date on the calender that need only be referred to by month and day.
* Outlaw torture with the exception of those superdelegates who chose... unwisely... at the Democratic convention.
* Be the victim of a tragic - yet not career-ending - light saber accident on the lava planet Mustafar.
* See if OJ would be willing to take time off from his hunt for the real killers to help her hunt for the Bosnian snipers.
* Same thing she does every day, Pinky...
(From IMAO)
* Replace all the H-less White House computer keyboards.
* Hostess that damn Pampered Chef party that Pelosi guilted her into.
* Go out hunting, just like her grandfather showed her.
* Shoot her eye out, just like her grandmother warned her.
* Bake some cookies for her first press conference. Chocolate chip for Reuters, bitter almond for Fox News.
* Head off future First Husband scandals by making sure all White House phones have a 24-hour dry cleaner on speed dial.
* Bring the troops home so as to ensure that America will have another date on the calender that need only be referred to by month and day.
* Outlaw torture with the exception of those superdelegates who chose... unwisely... at the Democratic convention.
* Be the victim of a tragic - yet not career-ending - light saber accident on the lava planet Mustafar.
* See if OJ would be willing to take time off from his hunt for the real killers to help her hunt for the Bosnian snipers.
* Same thing she does every day, Pinky...
It is so hard to believe that people are this lame, and actually need advice for shit like this. Nutmeg needs an advice column.
http://www.slate.com/id/2189248?nav=wp
Dear Nutmeg:
My wedding is 59 days away, and I am concerned about my future mother-in-law's dress. She is a wonderful woman who makes me feel accepted as her son's choice for a wife. But with only two months left before the wedding, she had finally begun her search for a dress. Last Sunday, my mother-in-law held my bridal shower at her house. My mother told me that while she was there, she saw a photo of the dress my mother-in-law picked out. She described it as "young, low-cut, and flowing." I wanted to get to the bottom of this, as my mother-in-law had not even informed me that she had purchased anything. So, after the party, I sent her an e-mail, and she sent me a picture of the dress. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My 51-year-old mother-in-law has picked out a dress with a wispy skirt, a V-neck, and spaghetti straps. It's fit and styled for someone my ageâ25! And it's robin's egg blueâwhich doesn't even go with my champagne-colored dress, the bridesmaids' sage green, the chocolate brown tuxes, and my mother's pale pink dress. I can't swallow the fact that she would attempt such a daring wardrobe choice on a day so important to me and her son. This dress has been ordered and is not set to arrive until two weeks before our wedding! I really need advice on how to tell her that I do not feel it is appropriate to wear.
âFrustrated Bride
NUTMEG: Is she hot? Cuz if she's Milffy, it's ok. If not, give her a bad address. By the time she figures it out, it'll be over. Oh, and hire a stripper to take her place and pass her off as this broad. Everybody who knows will be to embarrassed to say anything, and it'll be good for a laugh. You owe that to your Maleguests. They hate weddings, unless they get to sleep with one of the Maids of Honor later, and that doesn't happen that often.
Dear Nutmeg:
I am about to marry a wonderful man who happens to be a police officer in the town where we live. Several times now, I have found myself in an uncomfortable situation. I recently met a neighbor who, in the middle of a pleasant conversation, said to me, "Your fiance arrested my daughter for drunk driving." Likewise, acquaintances who ask my fiance's name have proceeded to tell me my fiance has arrested them. These people don't seem particularly angry or feel they have been wronged, but it creates a very awkward situation. I can't fathom why someone would bring up their arrest, and I never know what to say. Any suggestions?
âNot the Police
Nutmeg: You know, cops don't make a lot of money. You could get these folks to bribe you so your fiance won't arrest them. Just take cash, so, if he does arrest them, they can't prove they bribed you.
No need for thanks. It's my job!
Anybody else got some crisis? Put 'em here. Nutmeg will set yo bad ass straight.
http://www.slate.com/id/2189248?nav=wp
Dear Nutmeg:
My wedding is 59 days away, and I am concerned about my future mother-in-law's dress. She is a wonderful woman who makes me feel accepted as her son's choice for a wife. But with only two months left before the wedding, she had finally begun her search for a dress. Last Sunday, my mother-in-law held my bridal shower at her house. My mother told me that while she was there, she saw a photo of the dress my mother-in-law picked out. She described it as "young, low-cut, and flowing." I wanted to get to the bottom of this, as my mother-in-law had not even informed me that she had purchased anything. So, after the party, I sent her an e-mail, and she sent me a picture of the dress. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My 51-year-old mother-in-law has picked out a dress with a wispy skirt, a V-neck, and spaghetti straps. It's fit and styled for someone my ageâ25! And it's robin's egg blueâwhich doesn't even go with my champagne-colored dress, the bridesmaids' sage green, the chocolate brown tuxes, and my mother's pale pink dress. I can't swallow the fact that she would attempt such a daring wardrobe choice on a day so important to me and her son. This dress has been ordered and is not set to arrive until two weeks before our wedding! I really need advice on how to tell her that I do not feel it is appropriate to wear.
âFrustrated Bride
NUTMEG: Is she hot? Cuz if she's Milffy, it's ok. If not, give her a bad address. By the time she figures it out, it'll be over. Oh, and hire a stripper to take her place and pass her off as this broad. Everybody who knows will be to embarrassed to say anything, and it'll be good for a laugh. You owe that to your Maleguests. They hate weddings, unless they get to sleep with one of the Maids of Honor later, and that doesn't happen that often.
Dear Nutmeg:
I am about to marry a wonderful man who happens to be a police officer in the town where we live. Several times now, I have found myself in an uncomfortable situation. I recently met a neighbor who, in the middle of a pleasant conversation, said to me, "Your fiance arrested my daughter for drunk driving." Likewise, acquaintances who ask my fiance's name have proceeded to tell me my fiance has arrested them. These people don't seem particularly angry or feel they have been wronged, but it creates a very awkward situation. I can't fathom why someone would bring up their arrest, and I never know what to say. Any suggestions?
âNot the Police
Nutmeg: You know, cops don't make a lot of money. You could get these folks to bribe you so your fiance won't arrest them. Just take cash, so, if he does arrest them, they can't prove they bribed you.
No need for thanks. It's my job!
Anybody else got some crisis? Put 'em here. Nutmeg will set yo bad ass straight.
Idiot
There once were three friends who were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The first one says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" An hour passes. The first guy says "I brought lots of water to keep us hydrated and our bodies cool." The second guy says "I brought a lot of dried fruit to keep us well fed." The third guy says, "I brought an old car door so we can roll the window down when it gets hot!"
There once were three friends who were going to cross the Sahara Desert. The first one says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!" An hour passes. The first guy says "I brought lots of water to keep us hydrated and our bodies cool." The second guy says "I brought a lot of dried fruit to keep us well fed." The third guy says, "I brought an old car door so we can roll the window down when it gets hot!"
One man was preparing to cross the desert. His wife handed him a canteen of water that contained poison and would surely kill him. Later, before he left, his girlfriend surreptitiously poked a small hole in his canteen so the water would leak out so he would die of thirst. (scorned woman syndrome)
The man died. There was no water in the canteen when he went to get a drink. Is his wife guilty of attempted murder? Did the girlfriend save his life?
The man died. There was no water in the canteen when he went to get a drink. Is his wife guilty of attempted murder? Did the girlfriend save his life?
Come to think of it, my daughter came to me after school yesterday and asked me how was my trading day. I told her that I had closed three trades and put aside a net profit of a little under $950. She called her mother and told her, who, then, told me "good, because I need to buy a few new clothes tonight." Which one of my two lovely women took my money? 
My version.
Come to think of it, my daughter came to me after school yesterday and asked me how was my trading day. I told her "I don't know why I waste my time with this shit" She called her mother and told her, "I don't know why Daddy wastes his time doing this shit, he never makes any money" who, then, told me "Even your daughter wonders why you waste your time with shit"
Come to think of it, my daughter came to me after school yesterday and asked me how was my trading day. I told her "I don't know why I waste my time with this shit" She called her mother and told her, "I don't know why Daddy wastes his time doing this shit, he never makes any money" who, then, told me "Even your daughter wonders why you waste your time with shit"