Jokes 2

Do you know what happened this week back in 1850, in California?

California became a state.

The State had no electricity. The State had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and men didn't hold hands.
 
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Quote from nutmeg:

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More...

Great minds.............

I saw this as a card in a Barnes and Noble about five years ago Iguess. I start laughing, snot coming out of my nose, trying to contain myself. That's usually when my wife shows up to grab me by the earlobe and escort me from the store. Check this one out. It's a SA drink add, I believe a low cal concoction. BTW, never could get myself to part with the card. Don't really like anybody that much............

<img src=http://elitetrader.com/vb/attachment.php?s=&postid=1803510/>
 

Attachments

If they gave her a colonoscopy, they probably could find that TV remote she's been missin' for a few years.

Anything could be up there.

I think that's Kirstie Alley, btw. She plumped up again, lost the Jenny Craig deal, and signed with these guys..........
 
Quote from Kingofposters:

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much
as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival
Guide
for having a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING: When farting, you walk briskly around the
office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff
but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.

FLY BY: This is the act of scouting out a bathroom
before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.

Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious i f they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE: This is a fart that slips out while taking a
leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually
accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee , do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to
the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.
No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK: When forcing a poop, several farts slip out
at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a
hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until
everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH : The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the
poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught
doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME : Walking from the stall, to the sink, to
the door after you have just stunk the bathroom.
This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks
in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of
the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER : This is a colleague who poops
at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The
Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or
her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N): A group of
co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without
incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of
The Clo set Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS: A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom
somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the
odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR : This is someone who does not realize that
you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of
the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop
at work If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd
Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants
into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can
be used to cover -up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE: An Astaire i s a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt
that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire,
leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON : A watermelon is a big poop that creates a
loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET: A case of diarrhea that creates a series
of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD: An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems
to linger around forever. This per son could spend extended lengths of
time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the
crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an
inevitable part of life.
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BRAVO... not only one of the first posts here in a long time to make me laugh out loud, but it is like the author knew me personally when I use to work in an office....

I would add one more item to the Survival Guide:

FOXHOLE CROUCH: this is when you finished pooping and there are other people in the stalls nearby and you are waiting for them to finish beofre wiping and being embarassed by the sound of you pulling 40 feet of toilet paper per wipe. You will sit there in your foxhole and wait them out as long as it takes so you can wipe in peace. Sometimes it becomes a test of wills and the first to flinch loses.
 
From the files of Dr Stu Nata:

"So Nutmeg, what experiences have helped to define you as a person"


I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I

have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making

them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic

slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time

efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.



I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can

pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook

Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a

veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.



Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly

defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of

ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass banjo, I was scouted by the

Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I

build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang

gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances

free of charge.



I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening

wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan

mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.

Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force

demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me

fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.



I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly

accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield

in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that

evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the

supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA.

I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on

vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of

terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of

physics do not apply to me.



I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On

weekends,to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it

down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli

and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights

in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling

bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed

open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.


Stay tuned, for another episode of "I'm sorry I asked" by Dr Stu Nata.
 
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