Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Life Is Hard
For days, five-year-old Johnny kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at home. His parents had been very clear that the new baby was coming in a couple of weeks, and Johnny was really looking forward to it.
One day Johnny's mother invited him to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event. Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, âJohnny, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Johnny burst into tears: âI think Mommy ate it!â
For days, five-year-old Johnny kept telling his kindergarten teacher about the baby sister or brother that was expected at home. His parents had been very clear that the new baby was coming in a couple of weeks, and Johnny was really looking forward to it.
One day Johnny's mother invited him to feel the movements of the unborn baby. The five-year-old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Moreover, he stopped telling the teacher about the awaiting event. Finally the teacher sat the child on her lap and said, âJohnny, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Johnny burst into tears: âI think Mommy ate it!â
True Story - I had a 240Z in my younger days. Bought it for about $500 with the intention of fixing it up. As soon as I got it running, I had a habit of only buying a few gallons of gas at a time.
Well one day it gets stolen. The thief didn't get to far. Had a problem with the fuel system and the car choked and stalled. Funny thing is, apparently the guy noticed it was low on gas a filled it up a few bucks.
So in essence, he did the same thing as your 7-11 jokster.
Wish it happened today tho. Gas was about 90 cents back then...
THE PLAN
In the beginning was the Plan.
And Horror was upon the faces of the Assemblers.
And they went unto the Technicians saying
"It is a Crock of Shit, and it Stinks."
And the Technicians went unto their Supervisor saying
"It is Excrement, that none may abide the Odor thereof."
And the Supervisor went unto his Manager saying
"It is Fertilizer and is very Potent."
And the Manager went unto the Vice President saying
"It contains that which Sustains Life and is very Powerful."
And the Vice President went unto the President saying
"It is Strong and will Promote Growth."
And hearing this, the President adopted the Plan
And it became Policy.
And this is how Shit Happens.
In the beginning was the Plan.
And Horror was upon the faces of the Assemblers.
And they went unto the Technicians saying
"It is a Crock of Shit, and it Stinks."
And the Technicians went unto their Supervisor saying
"It is Excrement, that none may abide the Odor thereof."
And the Supervisor went unto his Manager saying
"It is Fertilizer and is very Potent."
And the Manager went unto the Vice President saying
"It contains that which Sustains Life and is very Powerful."
And the Vice President went unto the President saying
"It is Strong and will Promote Growth."
And hearing this, the President adopted the Plan
And it became Policy.
And this is how Shit Happens.
His Three Wishes
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie who said,â I will grant you three wishes anything you want, and then I'll be free."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, âI think I want 100 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account in my name. POOF! Done, account papers with names and numbers in his hand.
Next he wished for a fleet of brand new Ferraris in all colors. POOF! There were all these fancy cars sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, " Now, I want you to make me irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates!
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie who said,â I will grant you three wishes anything you want, and then I'll be free."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, âI think I want 100 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account in my name. POOF! Done, account papers with names and numbers in his hand.
Next he wished for a fleet of brand new Ferraris in all colors. POOF! There were all these fancy cars sitting in front of him.
He asked for his final wish, " Now, I want you to make me irresistible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates!
The next time someone asks you a dumb question, wouldn't you like to respond like this?.....
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the
wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired with little
to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting
the Purina Diet again.Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I
told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load
your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! The lady behind him was crying as
she laughed.
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the
wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I
had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired with little
to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting
the Purina Diet again.Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the
hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an
intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I
told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load
your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you
feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it
again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now
enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care
because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard! The lady behind him was crying as
she laughed.
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Hmmmm!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary c onfinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Hmmmm!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary c onfinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
I took my car in for service at the dealer. The service writer listened as I explained the funny sound coming from under the hood.
The service writer was called away from the desk for a moment and I noticed a "magic eight ball" holding down other repair orders.
I turned it upside down and read, "Fan belt."
I shook it again. "Water pump," it said.
The service writer was called away from the desk for a moment and I noticed a "magic eight ball" holding down other repair orders.
I turned it upside down and read, "Fan belt."
I shook it again. "Water pump," it said.