Jokes 2

Quote from nutmeg:

I boxed up the family Bible to mail to my sister. At the post office the guy axed me if I wanted the parcel "insured". I said "What's that mean?" (such a fn smart ass).

He said is anything breakable in the box.

I said just the ten commandmants

ahahahahahahaaaa :D
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Good one, nutmeg :)
 
Maybe A Repeat, But Still Very Funny

These 15 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos from around the country:

#15 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through"
#14 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#13 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#12 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#11 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because, that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#10 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
#9 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#8 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#7 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#6 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."
#5 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't...Sign here."

:) :) :)
 
Cruel, Very Cruel

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline for advice. The Psychic tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young female who will want to hold you and learn everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her near where I live or at a party?"
"No, no," says his Advisor, "in her biology class."

:) :) :)
 
Quote from Yannis:

Good one, nutmeg :)
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This is like when, thirty years ago, you'd see a mustard colored AMC Gremlin go down the road, and you 'd think, "now who the fuck would walk into a dealer and say, 'that one. I've got to have that one. I like it'" .

There's something for everybody.
 
My wife told me she dreamed that I gave her a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. She says to me what do you think that means?

So for Valentines Day I bought her a book "The Meaning of Dreams". Maybe she'll figure it out.
 
There was an article on MSN yesterday about the "top 10 things you should never say to a woman."

I think we should expand on that a bit and include things you should not DO.

After many years of marriage I feel I have vast knowledge on the subject, so I'll start.

My wife used to ask me if I thought a particular woman was attractive.

So one day, she is watching TV at home. I happen to have the beginnings of a boner and am making my way towards her. Coincidentally, she asks me if the chick on TV is hot (she was) and being quick on my feet, I immediately drop my pants and start wacking the TV with my dick.

While I thought it was pretty damn hilarious, the feeling was not mutual. My attempt at sex that day failed.

Looking on the bright side, she has never asked the question again...:D
 
Quote from nutmeg:

My wife told me she dreamed that I gave her a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. She says to me what do you think that means?

So for Valentines Day I bought her a book "The Meaning of Dreams". Maybe she'll figure it out.
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Nutmeg - you better give her that pearl necklace she is begging for before somebody else does...
 
Quote from Optionspoet:


So one day, she is watching TV at home. I happen to have the beginnings of a boner and am making my way towards her. Coincidentally, she asks me if the chick on TV is hot (she was) and being quick on my feet, I immediately drop my pants and start wacking the TV with my dick.

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How did your guests react????
 
Quote from flytiger:

How did your guests react????
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Haha...I could just imagine the look on her mom's face. She's one of those die-hard bible thumpers. She's hated me from day 1.

OK here's another one:

You guys all know not to answer the age-old "do you think I've gained weight" question.

Well, remaining completely silent with your eyes wide open and shifting from side to side, doesn't help either.
 
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