Jokes 2

[flytiger]

Quote from Optionspoet:

Haha...I could just imagine the look on her mom's face. She's one of those die-hard bible thumpers. She's hated me from day 1.

OK here's another one:

You guys all know not to answer the age-old "do you think I've gained weight" question.

Well, remaining completely silent with your eyes wide open and shifting from side to side, doesn't help either.

"I know you think I'm putting on weight, but I'm "big boned"."

"Yup, it's that big bone in your ass making you look fat.

She's so fat..............................

 

[Optionspoet]

...she has moons gravitating around her...

 

[flytiger]

Why, she was so fat.........

When she got on the talking scale, it said....."Please, Lady. One at a time."

In summer, she has a home based business. She sells shade.

She wasn't baptized. A dignitary broke a champagne bottle over her bow.

She was a runaway as a teen. Had to take a truck route.

She boarded a bus that was full. She asked a man if he shouldn't be chivalrous, and give up his seat. He responded, "well, I'll make a contribution."

Her husband kissed her all over, all night long, and never hit the same spot twice. After an hour or so, he realized he was banging the back of her knee


Ba da bum

 

[nutmeg]

Quote from flytiger:

How did your guests react????

The dog got excited, the bird fell of the perch, then somebody got their eye poked out.

 

[flytiger]

Quote from nutmeg:

The dog got excited, the bird fell of the perch, then somebody got their eye poked out.

.........and Mama elbowed her way to the front of the crowd, bellowing......

"I got to have me summa dat'!!!!!!"

 

[trendo]

Quote from Optionspoet:

Nutmeg - you better give her that pearl necklace she is begging for before somebody else does...

nutmeg,
Alternatively, you might want to give her a gift certificate for a nice facial, redeemable at the Nutmeg Salon.

 

[Optionspoet]

Quote from trendo:

nutmeg,
Alternatively, you might want to give her a gift certificate for a nice facial, redeemable at the Nutmeg Salon.

Sometimes, the most simple acts will show how much you love her. Take a protein shake for instance.

No artificial flavors, processing, artificial colors, etc. Just pure home-made love...

 

[Optionspoet]

OK..but do you drawthe line if she asks for a golden shower?

 

[nutmeg]

A protein shake? lol. Around thanksgiving she asked me if she was getting too fat and I said no but she is like a lovable butterball. What the hell was I thinking. She must've been cooking something that smelled good. I have been walking around on my knees for months begging for foriveness.

"You want a protein shake? I'll give you protein shake, get your lazy ass moving and paint something."

 

[Optionspoet]

Quote from nutmeg:

A protein shake? lol. Around thanksgiving she asked me if she was getting too fat and I said no but she is like a lovable butterball. What the hell was I thinking. She must've been cooking something that smelled good. I have been walking around on my knees for months begging for foriveness.

"You want a protein shake? I'll give you protein shake, get your lazy ass moving and paint something."

LOL. No, no, no nutmeg...I'm referring to the protein shake that comes out of your dick...

get it, low cost..home-made...full of love...ahhh forget it...too dirty for the board. What was I thinking??

Normally, I could only get a few squirts into the blender...but put Cristina Aguilera on TV and BAM!!! gallons of home-made shakes...