Jokes 2

A recently widowed young lady was sitting on a beach towel at Fort Myers
Beach, Florida. She looked up and noticed that an attractive man her age had
walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how
are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded politely, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied somewhat quietly,
and again turned back to his book.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Plantation Bay," he answered, and then resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted. "Do you like
pussycats?"

With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore
off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, "How in the world did you
know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How in the world did you know my name was Katz?"
 
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,
"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a place to test Balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example,
Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed
a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people.

Balance in all things," God continued pointing to different countries.
"This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area
and said, "What's that one?"

"That's Washington State , the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains.
The people from Washington State are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, and they will be
known throughout the world as diplomats, carriers of peace, and producers of software!."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance."

God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots
I put there".
 
"God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots
I put there"."

Of course, then, to balance out the idiots in DC. DC created the global idiots - the UN.
 
Harry Potter rejected books.

*******************************


Harry Potter and the Sorcerer from NAMBLA

Harry Potter and the Painful Rectal Itch

Harry Potter and the Decline of Literacy

Harry Potter and the Sticky March Issue of "Hustler"

Harry Potter and the Sorceress's Sore

Harry Potter and the Curse of the Lisp

Harry Potter and the Inflatable Sheep

Harry Potter and the Unexplainable Wad of Tissue.
 
THE THREE BROTHERS

Banta Singh walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more. The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it inthe glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

Banta Singh replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London .When they lefthome, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

Banta Singh became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn. One day, though, he came in and ordered only 2 beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says," I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss."

Banta Singh looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no," he, said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive and well. The only thing is, I just quit drinking"!!!

:) :) :)
 
Three brothers just off the boat at Ellis Island are questioned by an Immigration Officer, who asks the first, "What is your name?" "Berl" he replies. The Officer says, "Beryl? You can't have a name like that in America. From now on your name is 'Buck.'" He turns to the second brother and says, "What is your name?" "Cheyl" he replies."Cheyl? You can't have a name like that in America. From now on your name will be 'Chuck!'" He then asks the third brother, "And what's your name?" "Schmerl," he replies, "And I'm going back to Poland!"
 
Newsflash

An irish family have just been found frozen dead outside a Dublin cinema , it is believed that they had been queuing for 6 weeks to see closed for the winter
 
Quote from nutmeg:

"God smiled, "There is another Washington. Wait till you see the idiots
I put there"."

Of course, then, to balance out the idiots in DC. DC created the global idiots - the UN.
More...

You know what's the problem with this country's oil supply? It's not that we're running low, it's just that we have no way of measuring our reserves.

The oil is located in California, Texas and Oklahoma, but all the dipsticks are in Washington DC.
 
Elephant and Camel:

An elephant asks a camel, "Why are your breasts on your back?"

"Well," says the camel, "I think that is a strange question from somebody whose dick is on his face."
 
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!" As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed wide open.

"Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "I said I was broke, so I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
 
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