Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, âPick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.â
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, âLay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.â
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, multiple wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etcâ¦â¦..
I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truckâ¦â¦â¦..
Folks, weâre in trouble!
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, âLay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.â
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, multiple wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etcâ¦â¦..
I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truckâ¦â¦â¦..
Folks, weâre in trouble!
Man and woman get married and go to hotel to constipate their marrage.
He pulls his pants down and she jumps back and says, "What the hell is wrong with your nees?"
He says " I had neasles when I was a kid"
She says "you mean measles don't you"
He says "No, it's neasles, messes up your nees"
She says "ok"
He continues to undress and pulls his socks off and she jumps back
again, "What the hell is wrong with your toes?"
He says "I had tolio when I was a kid too"
She says "ok"
He pulls his underware down and she jumps back again and says "I see you had Small Coxs when you was a kid too!"
He pulls his pants down and she jumps back and says, "What the hell is wrong with your nees?"
He says " I had neasles when I was a kid"
She says "you mean measles don't you"
He says "No, it's neasles, messes up your nees"
She says "ok"
He continues to undress and pulls his socks off and she jumps back
again, "What the hell is wrong with your toes?"
He says "I had tolio when I was a kid too"
She says "ok"
He pulls his underware down and she jumps back again and says "I see you had Small Coxs when you was a kid too!"
The old native American wanted a loan for $500. The banker pulled out the loan application, "What are you going to do with the money?"
"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
"Take jewellery to city and sell it," was the response.
"What have you got for collateral?"
"Don't know collateral."
"Well that's something of value that would cover the cost of the loan.Have you got any vehicles?"
"Yes, 1949 Chevy pickup."
The banker shook his head, "How about livestock?"
"Yes, I have a horse."
"How old is it?"
"Don't know, has no teeth."
Finally the banker decided to make the $500 loan.
Several weeks later the old man was back in the bank. He pulled out a roll of bills, "Here to pay." he said. He then handed the banker the money to pay his loan off.
"What are you going to do with the rest of that money?"
"Put in tepee."
"Why don't you deposit it in my bank," he asked.
"Don't know deposit."
"You put the money in our bank and we take care of it for you. When you want to use it you can withdraw it."
The old Indian leaned across the desk, "What you got for collateral?"
He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was
so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I
gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was
pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were
alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a
low, reassuring voice close to my ear.
"Just relax."
Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused
hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my
calves, slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat.
I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was
so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I
gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was
pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.
And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled
sharply.
Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my
shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.
Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and
expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A
man not used to taking 'No' for an answer. A man who would tell me
what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . .
"Okay ma'am, you can board your flight now."
Ode To Joy - Sort Of
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