Jokes 2
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- Start date
Funny Jay Leno
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada".
And some sad news⦠the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installationâ¦
Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.
French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.
"This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after Franceâs best player got ejected for head butting. Thatâs the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years.
With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for "Running off to Canada".
And some sad news⦠the first lesbian couple to legally get married in the state of Massachusetts has split up. They cited irreconcilable similarities.
Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installationâ¦
Well, there's nothing funnier to me than the French. The French Resistance is probably the biggest mythical joke that ever existed. There were four guys in the French Resistance. They couldn't hand over the Jewish people fast enough. Oh, please, don't tell me about the French. The French have all sorts of secret deals with Saddam and everybody else for two cents a liter. It's an easy target.
French troops arrived in Afghanistan last week, and not a minute too soon. The French are acting as advisers to the Taliban, to teach them how to surrender properly.
"This is now the twelfth day of rioting in France. They have been rioting for almost two weeks. And France has still not surrendered. That's like a record.
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. ... They won after Franceâs best player got ejected for head butting. Thatâs the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years.
With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?
Don't forget Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's Third Wife Day.
Funny David Letterman
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
Do I think there is a heaven? Uhhh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Hello. I'm David Letterman and I'm not wearing any pants.
I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock.
I'm not paranoid. I'm not a dope. I'm not like a lot of these... paranoid dopes.
I'm not the kind of man that likes to blow his own horn, although if I could I would.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
Wash it. Gas it. Give me the keys.
You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.
I just love autumn in New York - watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
It's tax time once again, and the hookers in Times Square - God bless 'em - they're getting into the act. For an extra $50, they'll handle your extension.
It's the Chinese 'Year of the Pig' - I'm still writing 'Year of the Monkey' on all my checks.
Pleased to meet you...meat to please you.
That's the sound of commercials hitting the floor.
There is no 'off' position on the genius switch.
It was so hot today that Larry King was seen only wearing suspenders. Wonder what he was holding up.
Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.
Do I think there is a heaven? Uhhh, yeah I do. Like a really big gymnasium. How do I see myself there? With really bad seats.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Hello. I'm David Letterman and I'm not wearing any pants.
I wouldn't give his troubles to a monkey on a rock.
I'm not paranoid. I'm not a dope. I'm not like a lot of these... paranoid dopes.
I'm not the kind of man that likes to blow his own horn, although if I could I would.
Sometimes when you look in his eyes you get the feeling that someone else is driving.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
Wash it. Gas it. Give me the keys.
You have Kim Jong Il, and you have his brother, Menta Lee Il.
I just love autumn in New York - watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
It's tax time once again, and the hookers in Times Square - God bless 'em - they're getting into the act. For an extra $50, they'll handle your extension.
It's the Chinese 'Year of the Pig' - I'm still writing 'Year of the Monkey' on all my checks.
Pleased to meet you...meat to please you.
That's the sound of commercials hitting the floor.
There is no 'off' position on the genius switch.
It was so hot today that Larry King was seen only wearing suspenders. Wonder what he was holding up.
Elements needed for a joke
* irony
* oxymorons
* slap-stik (shtik)
* politics
* religion
* witticism
* cynacism
* mental retardation
* mental superiority
* sex
* any stimulation of the 5 senses
* anti-social anger
* dichotomy
* history
* social hiarchy
* mental stress and fortitude
* psychology
* mathmatical trickery
* irony
* oxymorons
* slap-stik (shtik)
* politics
* religion
* witticism
* cynacism
* mental retardation
* mental superiority
* sex
* any stimulation of the 5 senses
* anti-social anger
* dichotomy
* history
* social hiarchy
* mental stress and fortitude
* psychology
* mathmatical trickery
Funny Jeff Foxworthy
You might be a redneck:...
If you own a home that is mobile, and fourteen cars that aren't.
If your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.
If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
If your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
If you've been on television more than three times describing what the tornado sounded like.
If you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.
If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car.
If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
If you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
If you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
If your family tree does not fork.
If you go to the family reunion to meet women.
If you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour.
If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.
If you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
If you've ever ridden an electric floor buffer.
If you work without a shirt off... and so does your husband.
If you own a Waffle House credit card.
If you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of Kmart.
If you own a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
If you smoked during your wedding.
If your dog passes gas and you claim it.
If your daughter's Barbie Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate.
If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate".
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television.
If you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
If you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.
If you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.
If somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If the biggest city you have ever been to is Wal-Mart.
If you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.
If you've ever taken an RV to a drive-in movie.
If you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.
You might be a redneck:...
If you own a home that is mobile, and fourteen cars that aren't.
If your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.
If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.
If your underwear doubles as your bathing suit.
If you've been on television more than three times describing what the tornado sounded like.
If you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.
If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car.
If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.
If you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack" and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.
If you've ever hauled a can of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor.
If your family tree does not fork.
If you go to the family reunion to meet women.
If you think "fast food" is hitting a deer at 65 miles an hour.
If you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.
If you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.
If you've ever ridden an electric floor buffer.
If you work without a shirt off... and so does your husband.
If you own a Waffle House credit card.
If you think a quarter horse is that ride in front of Kmart.
If you own a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
If you smoked during your wedding.
If your dog passes gas and you claim it.
If your daughter's Barbie Dream House has a clothesline in the front yard.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate.
If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said "concentrate".
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television.
If you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.
If directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
If you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.
If you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.
If somebody hollers "ho-down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If the biggest city you have ever been to is Wal-Mart.
If you've ever bought lingerie at a yard sale.
If you've ever taken an RV to a drive-in movie.
If you've ever had your nipple bitten off by a beaver.
About England
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.
I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world.
In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.
Not to be English was for my family so terrible a handicap as almost to place the sufferer in the permanent invalid class.
We do not regard Englishmen as foreigners. We look on them only as rather mad Norwegians.
England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than sex.
An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.
Humour is practically the only thing about which the English are utterly serious.
In left-wing circles it is always always felt that there is something slightly disgraceful in being an Englishman and that it is a duty to snigger at every English institution, from horse racing to suet puddings. It is a strange fact, but it is unquestionably true, that almost any English intellectual would feel more ashamed of standing to attention during 'God save the King' than of stealing from a poor box.
In England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square.
You should study the Peerage.... It is the best thing in fiction the English have ever done.
On the Continent, people have good food; in England, people have good table manners.
Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot water bottles.
Many continentals think life is a game; the English think cricket is a game.
Do not be misled by memories of your youth when, on the Continent, wanting to describe someone as exceptionally dull, you remarked: 'He is the type who would discuss the weather with you.' In England this is an ever-interesting, even thrilling topic, and you must be good at discussing the weather.
The English instinctively admire any man who has no talent and is modest about it.
I like the English. They have the most rigid code of immorality in the world.
In England there are sixty different religions and only one sauce.
Not to be English was for my family so terrible a handicap as almost to place the sufferer in the permanent invalid class.
We do not regard Englishmen as foreigners. We look on them only as rather mad Norwegians.
England is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than sex.
An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.
Humour is practically the only thing about which the English are utterly serious.
In left-wing circles it is always always felt that there is something slightly disgraceful in being an Englishman and that it is a duty to snigger at every English institution, from horse racing to suet puddings. It is a strange fact, but it is unquestionably true, that almost any English intellectual would feel more ashamed of standing to attention during 'God save the King' than of stealing from a poor box.
In England, at any rate, education produces no effect whatsoever. If it did, it would prove a serious danger to the upper classes, and probably lead to acts of violence in Grosvenor Square.
You should study the Peerage.... It is the best thing in fiction the English have ever done.
On the Continent, people have good food; in England, people have good table manners.
Continental people have a sex life; the English have hot water bottles.
Many continentals think life is a game; the English think cricket is a game.
Do not be misled by memories of your youth when, on the Continent, wanting to describe someone as exceptionally dull, you remarked: 'He is the type who would discuss the weather with you.' In England this is an ever-interesting, even thrilling topic, and you must be good at discussing the weather.