Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
I had a customer, an elderly lady, who stuttered horribly. I drove down to see her, took my wife with me. We had lunch. She was so loveable, and talked and talked, and believe me, it took a lot of concentration to understand. At the end she thanked us profusely for letting her speak, paying attention to her. I was overwhelmed by her sincerity, and started thinking what it must be like.
I only hope, on Judgement day, after God sees all these jokes, he remembers my shining moment.
So lo -l-l--l-l-o-o--o-o-o-n-n-ng.
Many years ago, I llived in a town with a preppy expensive college, Hartwick College. I was dating a girl who had gone to Herkimer County Community College. I was wearing her tee shirt with HCCC on it in the town of Hartwick College whose undergrads were ellitist assholes for the most part.. I also had her pantys on, and shoved a tampon up my ass, but that 's another story.
Everybody smoozin' drinkin'. Some Hartwick College undergrad comes up, pokes his index finger in my chest. '"Wuz that HCCC stand for" he asked staggering all over. I didn't know hiim so I just said, "Ha-a-a--r-r-r--wa-wa-wa-ick C-c-c-c-c-c-o LLEGE."
How I 've lived this long, I dunno.
<b> My wife ain't no dummy</b>:
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago' , the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, 'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'
'No, I had to stop drinking years ago' , the homeless woman told me.
'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.
'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said.
'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'
'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.
'Are you NUTS !' replied the homeless woman. ' I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'
'Well,' I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'
The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'
I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'
The general tells the young soldier how to parachute: "Look it's easy, count until 3 and pull the cord." The soldier nods with the head, gets into the airplane, and jumps...
The general and the rest are watching his descent. But, he is getting closer and closer to the ground, but the parachute hasnt opened yet... The general gets nervous, and screams: Pull the damn cord.
Of course, the soldier cant hear... And then they watch him land luckily on a haystack... Everyone runs to the haystack and they hear: Ttt--Ttt-Ttt-three.
The general and the rest are watching his descent. But, he is getting closer and closer to the ground, but the parachute hasnt opened yet... The general gets nervous, and screams: Pull the damn cord.
Of course, the soldier cant hear... And then they watch him land luckily on a haystack... Everyone runs to the haystack and they hear: Ttt--Ttt-Ttt-three.
A Different Oldie
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."
A man who lived in a block of apartments thought it was raining and put his head out the window to check. As he did so, a glass eye fell into his hand. He looked up to see where it came from just in time to notice a young woman looking down.
"Is this yours?" he asked.
She said, "Yes, could you bring it up?" and the man agreed.
On his arrival she was profuse in her thanks and offered the man a drink. Because she was very attractive, he agreed.
Shortly afterward she said, "I'm about to have dinner--there's plenty. Would you like to join me?"
He readily accepted her offer and both enjoyed a lovely meal.
As the evening was drawing to a close the lady said, "I've had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?"
The man hesitated then said, "Do you act like this with every man you meet?"
"No," she replied. "Only those who catch my eye."
Talk about an oldie.
A guy goes in a whore house and tells the madam he only has 3 buck.
The madame says in that case, he'll have to have sex with "sandpaper sally" and sends him up to her room.
She seems attractive enough but when they start having sex the pain is excruciating and he begins to complain.
So Sally says that she need to go to the bathroom and when she comes back, she invites him to try again.
This time everything is great and the man finally ejaculates and after that he exclaims "Gosh that was wonderful. Just what did you do?"
To which sally replied, "I picked the scabs off".
A guy goes in a whore house and tells the madam he only has 3 buck.
The madame says in that case, he'll have to have sex with "sandpaper sally" and sends him up to her room.
She seems attractive enough but when they start having sex the pain is excruciating and he begins to complain.
So Sally says that she need to go to the bathroom and when she comes back, she invites him to try again.
This time everything is great and the man finally ejaculates and after that he exclaims "Gosh that was wonderful. Just what did you do?"
To which sally replied, "I picked the scabs off".
