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Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Without the teleprompter.
My fellow Americans in all 57 states, the time has changed for come. With our country founded more than 20 centuries ago, we have much to celebrate â from the FBIâs 100 days to the reforms that bring greater inefficiencies to our health care system .
We know that countries like Europe are willing to stand with us in our fight to halt the rise of privacy, and Israel is a strong friend of Israelâs.
And letâs face it, everybody knows that it makes no sense that you send a kid to the emergency room for a treatable illness like asthma and they end up taking up a hospital bed.
It costs, when, if you, they just gave, you gave them treatment early, and they got some treatment, and ah, a breathalyzer, or an inhalator. I mean, not a breathalyzer, ah, I donât know what the term is in Austrian for thatâ¦
My fellow Americans in all 57 states, the time has changed for come. With our country founded more than 20 centuries ago, we have much to celebrate â from the FBIâs 100 days to the reforms that bring greater inefficiencies to our health care system .
We know that countries like Europe are willing to stand with us in our fight to halt the rise of privacy, and Israel is a strong friend of Israelâs.
And letâs face it, everybody knows that it makes no sense that you send a kid to the emergency room for a treatable illness like asthma and they end up taking up a hospital bed.
It costs, when, if you, they just gave, you gave them treatment early, and they got some treatment, and ah, a breathalyzer, or an inhalator. I mean, not a breathalyzer, ah, I donât know what the term is in Austrian for thatâ¦
I was greeted today by a receptionist, middle aged, shoulder length grayish hair, I thought was a man as I approached the desk but the hair was styled like a womans, but I was more interested in stating my business than who I was dealing with.
The receptionist said " Can I help you ma'am, sir?"
I said, "The names Gaga, and I'm here for tune up".
Fortunately he sent me around the corner to see someone else because I was out of lines.
The receptionist said " Can I help you ma'am, sir?"
I said, "The names Gaga, and I'm here for tune up".
Fortunately he sent me around the corner to see someone else because I was out of lines.
How to tick people off.
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
One day a man tried to get a job at a large company.
He passed every test with flying colors.
At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Asprin". The applicant said.
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Asprin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing at this company!"
The guy says "Oh! Nooo! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for asprin while your winking".
He passed every test with flying colors.
At the final interview part, the CEO told him that his constant blinking would bother customers.
"I can fix that with some Asprin". The applicant said.
So, he reaches into his pocket and pulls condom after condom out until he finds the Asprin. He takes it and his blinking goes away.
The CEO says "We don't approve of womanizing at this company!"
The guy says "Oh! Nooo! Have you ever tried to ask a pharmacist for asprin while your winking".
Quote from nutmeg:
I said, "The names Gaga, and I'm here for tune up".
Fortunately he sent me around the corner to see someone else because I was out of lines.
Did I mention that the receptionist was wearing a pair of pants I gave to the Salvation Army last month?
Anyways I noticed my dentists personal computer, all the front keys are rotted out.
Then, I checked the diploma on a wall and it appears to be a warranty from Black & Decker.
Stay tuned..