Jokes 2

This guy has been sitting in a bar all night, staring at a girl
wearing the tightest pants he's ever seen.

Finally his curiosity gets the best of him, so he walks over and
asks: "How do you get into those pants?".

The young woman looks him over and replies: "Well, you could start
by buying me a drink...".
 
On the first day home after their honeymoon, the husband said, "If you
make the toast and pour the juice, breakfast will be ready."

"How thoughtful," said the wife. "What are we having?"

"Toast and juice."
 
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

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If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

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Once you're in heaven, do you wear the clothes you died in for eternity?

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What ailment did cured ham actually have before it was cured?

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How is it that we put a person on the moon before we figured out it
would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

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Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up
screaming every 90 minutes?

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Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?
 
A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right
Outside of the ladies dressing room for his Mom to come out.

While waiting the little boy gets bored and just when his Mom
comes walking out, she sees her Son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.
"Get your hand out of there!" She shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth
down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand a way and
thanks his lucky stars he Didn't get bitten. For the next ten years, this
little boy grows up Believing all women have teeth between their legs.

When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents
are Out of town, she invites him over for a little action. After an
hour of Making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You
know, you could Go a little further if you want."
"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says,
pointing to Her crotch.
"HELL NO!" he cries, "you've got teeth down here!"
"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "there's no such
thing as teeth Down there!"
"Yes there are," he says, "my Mom told me so."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that,
She pulls down her pants and gives him a little
peek. "No I'm sorry" he says. "My Mom already told me that
ALL women have Teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties,
Throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I
DON'T have any Teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing
the Condition of those gums, I'm not surprised!"
 
A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"

She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
 
One night, at the lodge of a hunting club, two new members were being introduced to other members and shown around. The man leading them around said, "See that old man asleep in the chair by the fireplace, he is our oldest member and can tell you some hunting stories that you'll never forget."

They woke the old man up and asked him to tell them a hunting story. "Well, I remember back in 1944, we went on a deer hunt in Canada. We were on foot and hunted for three days without seeing a thing. On the fourth day, I was so tired I had to rest my feet. I found a tree that had fallen, so I laid my gun down, propped my head on the tree, and I fell asleep. I don't remember how long I was asleep, but I remember the noise in the bushes that caused me to wake up. I was reaching for my gun when the biggest buck that I had ever seen jumped out of the bushes at me like this

WHOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!....... I tell you, I just shit my pants."

The young men looked astonished and one of them said, "I don't blame you, I would have shit my pants too if a huge buck jumped out at me." The old man shook his head and said, "No, no, not then, just now when I said WHOOOOOOHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
 
A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.
The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."
"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."
 
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end and put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Lady 1: Where did you get it?
Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely she is, after all, over 80 years of age, but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.

Lady 1: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
 
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