Jokes 2
- Thread starter gwb-trading
- Start date
Best joke in poor taste
- Voice 1: [Anonymous voice from crowd standing in front of building entrance] Hey, Mack. What's doin'? Why all the people here?
- Voice 2: [Anonymous voice from crowd standing in front of building entrance] What's doin'? What's the matter? You live in Canarsie or somethin'? This is the place where that model was killed.
- Voice 1: [Anonymous voice from crowd standing in front of building entrance] You don't mean it. The bathtub girl, huh? So why didn't she take showers?
Maury, an older Jewish gentleman, marries a young lady, and they're very much in love. The trouble is, being a lot older, Maury can't quite satisfy his wife in the marital bed.
This being a source of some consternation, they go to the rabbi.
“What you need to do,’ sez he, ‘is go into the street and hire a handsome young man, to wave a towel over you as you make love. That way, your wife can fantasise about the handsome young man, and all will be well.”
So they take the rabbi's suggestion, go out and find a strapping young man, and he waves a towel over them while they make love, but it's no good, Maury can't get it up and his wife is very frustrated.
So back to the rabbi they go.
“Alright,’ sez the rabbi, ‘this time Maury, you change places with the handsome young man; you wave the towel while he makes love to your wife, and maybe you'll get some inspiration.”
So they get the same handsome young man in. Maury stands there waving the towel, while the handsome young man and Maury's wife go to it with great gusto. The handsome young man knows his stuff, and within minutes, Maury's wife has a huge, screaming orgasm.
Maury looks at the handsome young man, and with a condescending look on his face declares:
“Schmuck! THAT'S how you wave a towel!”
This being a source of some consternation, they go to the rabbi.
“What you need to do,’ sez he, ‘is go into the street and hire a handsome young man, to wave a towel over you as you make love. That way, your wife can fantasise about the handsome young man, and all will be well.”
So they take the rabbi's suggestion, go out and find a strapping young man, and he waves a towel over them while they make love, but it's no good, Maury can't get it up and his wife is very frustrated.
So back to the rabbi they go.
“Alright,’ sez the rabbi, ‘this time Maury, you change places with the handsome young man; you wave the towel while he makes love to your wife, and maybe you'll get some inspiration.”
So they get the same handsome young man in. Maury stands there waving the towel, while the handsome young man and Maury's wife go to it with great gusto. The handsome young man knows his stuff, and within minutes, Maury's wife has a huge, screaming orgasm.
Maury looks at the handsome young man, and with a condescending look on his face declares:
“Schmuck! THAT'S how you wave a towel!”
Every Sunday afternoon the men-folk of the small Alabama town would meet on the porch of the hardware store to compare and brag about who caught the most fish that morning. It was a ritual they had done for years while their wives were at the 1st Baptist Church teaching Sunday school. But there was one member of the group, an old man, some might call an old redneck, that everyone knew could never be out-fished. Every Sunday he always won. Over the years he had become a legend across that remote portion of Bama.
Well the state game warden that had been just another good 'ol boy for 30 years finally retired, and in his place they hired a new kid fresh out of college with degrees in environmental studies and cultural diversity. After a few months on the job he realizes that there must be something to all this grapevine gossip about some old man and his legendary fishing exploits. He decides this needs investigated, so he loads up his all electric GM SUV and rolls into the small town the next Sunday afternoon.
He tries to break the ice and chat it up with the locals, but soon after the introductions, he lets them know what he really wants is to inspect the "legend's" catch. The locals point him out, sitting on the tailgate of his rusty old Ford crushing a fourth can of Bud. The young warden walks over and asks "Care if I take a look in your coolers?" The old man beams with pride, says "sure" and opens them up.
The warden was shocked.
"Now I may be new, but something's not right here. No way you caught these all in one morning. You're going to show me how you are doing this, or I'm going to have to write you up and give you a fine. So tomorrow, we're going fishing."
The old man's face lit up and he smiled ear to ear.
"Hell yes, now there's a plan. My wife never goes and I'd enjoy some company. What kinda beer you drink?" The warden is taken aback, but he lets it pass.
Bright and early the next morning the warden pulls up at the ramp armed with his fishing poles and a laptop. He climbs into the old aluminum flat bottom, the redneck fires up the 8 horse Evinrude, and off they go leaving a trail of blue smoke and a rainbow colored oil slick.
When they get out to the middle of the lake and the young warden starts looking around, he realizes the old man forgot his poles; but just as he is about to say something, the old man reaches into a styrofoam cooler, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it, and throws it into the lake.
"BOOM!"
When the water calms and the smoke settles, the old smiles, fires up the Evinrude, and starts scooping up the fish as they float up to the surface.
"That's a good catch!"
The new warden is absolutely speechless. He can't believe what he just saw. He tries to composes himself, but he quickly breaks down and goes into a screaming rage covering everything from State and Federal Regulations to eco-terrorism.
The old man just sits there and looks at him puzzled. At the end of the rant the old man shrugs, reaches into his cooler, pulls out a beer with one hand, and another stick of dynamite with the other. He pops open the beer, takes a big gulp and says:
"Ya know, I think you're worse than my wife." He lights the dynamite and hands it to the warden. "Now are you gonna keep talking, or are we gonna start fishin'?"
Well the state game warden that had been just another good 'ol boy for 30 years finally retired, and in his place they hired a new kid fresh out of college with degrees in environmental studies and cultural diversity. After a few months on the job he realizes that there must be something to all this grapevine gossip about some old man and his legendary fishing exploits. He decides this needs investigated, so he loads up his all electric GM SUV and rolls into the small town the next Sunday afternoon.
He tries to break the ice and chat it up with the locals, but soon after the introductions, he lets them know what he really wants is to inspect the "legend's" catch. The locals point him out, sitting on the tailgate of his rusty old Ford crushing a fourth can of Bud. The young warden walks over and asks "Care if I take a look in your coolers?" The old man beams with pride, says "sure" and opens them up.
The warden was shocked.
"Now I may be new, but something's not right here. No way you caught these all in one morning. You're going to show me how you are doing this, or I'm going to have to write you up and give you a fine. So tomorrow, we're going fishing."
The old man's face lit up and he smiled ear to ear.
"Hell yes, now there's a plan. My wife never goes and I'd enjoy some company. What kinda beer you drink?" The warden is taken aback, but he lets it pass.
Bright and early the next morning the warden pulls up at the ramp armed with his fishing poles and a laptop. He climbs into the old aluminum flat bottom, the redneck fires up the 8 horse Evinrude, and off they go leaving a trail of blue smoke and a rainbow colored oil slick.
When they get out to the middle of the lake and the young warden starts looking around, he realizes the old man forgot his poles; but just as he is about to say something, the old man reaches into a styrofoam cooler, pulls out a stick of dynamite, lights it, and throws it into the lake.
"BOOM!"
When the water calms and the smoke settles, the old smiles, fires up the Evinrude, and starts scooping up the fish as they float up to the surface.
"That's a good catch!"
The new warden is absolutely speechless. He can't believe what he just saw. He tries to composes himself, but he quickly breaks down and goes into a screaming rage covering everything from State and Federal Regulations to eco-terrorism.
The old man just sits there and looks at him puzzled. At the end of the rant the old man shrugs, reaches into his cooler, pulls out a beer with one hand, and another stick of dynamite with the other. He pops open the beer, takes a big gulp and says:
"Ya know, I think you're worse than my wife." He lights the dynamite and hands it to the warden. "Now are you gonna keep talking, or are we gonna start fishin'?"
A young man goes into the Job Centre in Sydney, and sees an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth - other side of the country."
The man says "Oh is that where the job is?"
The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now
(actual distance is 2400 Mi)
Interested, he goes to learn more.
"Can you give me some more details on this job?" he asks the clerk.
The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the women ready for the gynaecological consult. You have to help them out of their underwear, lay them down, and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the examination. There's an annual salary of $75,000, but you're going to have to go to Perth - other side of the country."
The man says "Oh is that where the job is?"
The clerk says "No sir. That's where the end of the line is right now
(actual distance is 2400 Mi)